Sunday, December 21, 2014

The struggles are real

Wow  I've been telling myself to write a post.  But just never got around to it. So much to say.  I have to talk about eating, running, my emotions, my cats,a scheduled race and lets not forget the rogue squirrel!!! Where to begin. I guess I will break it down into sections for ease.

Weight:

I think that this picture sums it all up. 
Sadly, everyday is a constant battle trying to convince myself that I don't like cookies, cakes and donuts.   Sadly, everyday I am losing the battle.  Control over my eating is non existent.  I've eaten to the point of being sick.  Yeah, really.  It's not a good thing.  I hate myself for it...but regardless, I struggle and fail.  I keep telling myself 'no more'  but words and actions are NOT meeting to make any sense in my life.   

I am struggling with weighing myself.  I'm not able to find a constant place to put my scales.  So I have them sitting against the wall where I can move them to weigh myself when needed.  However, every time I sit them down they weigh me differently....2 seconds apart.  So I haven't even weighed myself.  I'm kinda leaning toward figuring out the weighing issue by the beginning of the new year and take a first weight of the year  and just go from there.

I haven't contemplated giving up again.  That was a short lived thought, thankfully.  I want this....badly.  I just have to figure out the link between want and do!

Moving on:

Exercise:

I have religiously attended zumba.  It has been my salvation as it's filled up three nights of my week.  More on why that is a salvation later.  It's also been probably the only thing that has kept me from gaining a TON of weight (although my clothes feel tight and I feel icky)

Running:

What's that?  Ok, so I was on top of it and actually ran whilst I was in Florida.  I got some pretty nasty blisters, but I still managed to put the miles on while on vacation.  That was dedication!   I got home, immediately replaced my running shoes (even though the blister inducing shoes were not that old) and promptly ran one more time.  (Let me remind you, I was in Florida in mid October.  Yes, two months ago)   This week I decided to break out those brand spankin' new running shoes (ok, almost new).  I went out on Thursday.  Oh. My. Word.   Was it brutal.   I kept it short at just about a mile and a half.  This morning I went out again and made it 3 miles....and it wasn't pretty.  Not. At. All  I'd like to say it was easier, but no, it was just as brutal as the first run.   Better luck tomorrow.   Why yes, I do mean tomorrow as it's another day and I won't improve without running consistently.  I have to get myself back into some kinda of halfway ok running shape.  I'm living in Hagerstown now.   I'm right across the street from my sister in law who runs.  I am right next to my aunt, who has run.  I'm a mile or two from Paula my running bud.  (Sneaky girl that Paula is, she ran down the street the other day and didn't stop.  She said she had to see my brothers scrapwood tree in person!)   So I have easy access to running partners.  But well, my flailing around that I'm calling running at this point is NOT something I need to share with them. (Although they may need a laugh!)  So I have to get into running shape.

Scrapwood Christmas Tree?    
It actually looks cool here but is just absolutely wicked neat at night all light up!  He has pics of it lit up on his facebook page  and possibly on his website. (seriously, it's Sunday morning do you really expect me to go look?

Cooper River Bridge Run:


A few months back, my friend Sue put a post up on facebook.  It said something like this.  "I want to run the Cooper River Bridge Run  who wants to do it with me."   I immediately responded and said "I'm in."    A few minutes later I followed it up with a second comment saying "Where, when and by the way, how long of a run did I just commit myself to"   Yes, she got a laugh because only I would commit to a run without knowing how long I was going to be running.  ha ha ha  Typical, I guess.   So the nitty gritty, now that I have actually registered for it.  It's the last weekend of March.  Apparently it's a rather large run, capped at 40,000 participants.  It's in Charleston, SC.   It's a 10k.  Piece of cake (well, wait, I haven't been running and I'm struggling with just a few short miles!), I've done that distance before.  I've got this (as long as I run in the next few months).  So I am registered for this run.  I'm planning on driving down on Thursday (at least part of the way...it's about 9-10  hours).  Enjoying the area and the race expo on Friday.  The run is on Saturday.  We are planning to do the taste of the run after the race and more of the city.  Sunday I will spend the morning there and then drive home.  Back to work on Monday.  Flying trip, but sounds fun.  (I have to make sure Sue found the hotel rooms).    So running is IMPORTANT in the next few months!  (Especially since I do expect to lose some training days due to inclement weather!)

The Rogue Squirrel

I was out running this morning and happened to see a black squirrel.  Now they are not all that common around here (I think..I"m not up on my squirrel-ology so I can't be too positive).  I watched the squirrel and that squirrel watched me and then ran up a tree that overhung the sidewalk upon which I was running.  It stopped about eye level and sat there as I approached.  And I knew that this squirrel was an angry squirrel (probably from being a minority squirrel) and that it had reached it's limit and it was going to go crazy on me.   It would probably leap from that tree and land on my head.  Don't laugh.  It could happen!  I sped up as I approached, maybe if I was really fast and did a little bob and weave the squirrel would miss me when he came flying through the air toward my face!   Ok honestly, I was telling myself to calm down that squirrel attacks are NOT on the rise and that this fear was all in my head.   I faced my fears and ran right under that little black demon!   I could hear him scratching and scampering around above my head (even through the music pumping through my headphones).  I jumped a mile and picked up the pace and swore that I would never trust a black squirrel again!    

There may or may not have been some birds that freaked me out on my run too!   I'm not admitting anything, but it was a scary run!

Settling in:

The cats are doing good in our new digs (the basement of my parents home).  They love to go up and explore the main house (if only my parents cat wasn't so freaked out by my little angels!).   


Mertz has gone from a bit of a loner cat to a cat that while maybe not a total lap cat, but at least a more sociable cat.  She however is a traitor.  Many times she won't come out when I get home.  However, as soon as my niece and nephews arrive that cat is out!   Traitor!!!   OK, I'm actually happy to see her love them!    And they do come visit the cats while I'm at work and for that I'm utterly grateful!                 Here is Mertz laying beside the scratching post, so proud of herself because the scratching post was only a few hours old and she had already ripped the red ball from the post.  And we won't even talk about the RED drink that Mertz just knocked over onto her grandma's cream colored carpet.  Oops (I think I got it squared way)
Ethel is being Ethel.  She plays and is extremely talkative, but still sleeps a lot. (she is 14 afterall) 

 Lucy is my worry.   Just a few days after moving I noticed a large lump on the side of her face.  I took her to the vet and we did a biopsy.  The results came back with more cancer.   They also said that the cancer that was removed last year has a very low prognosis (as in she is lucky that she made it more than a year).  Because of her history and her age, surgery to remove the cancer is not really an option.  I am giving her a steroid to try to slow down the speed at which this tumor is growing.  Where it is at, it will probably at some point begin to affect her ability to eat and drink.  So I know that I am nearing the end of my time with my baby girl.  She is deaf now and 17 years old and lived a good life, so I feel selfish for crying over her (and yes, she has been my baby since she was a wee little kitten).   But she is my baby.   I've already given up so much in the last few months that I don't want to lose my eldest cat too and it breaks my heart.
Lucy is the calico on the left and Ethel is the cat on the right.  They love each other and I worry about Ethel when she loses her big sister and closest companion.    Meanwhile, they rule they roost (Lucy especially) and even when I want to wrap up in my soft red blanket, if the cats are using it I find something else or shiver  The same goes for the chair.  The other night when my niece and nephews were here I sat on the floor rather that interrupt their sleep (healing sleep maybe???  ok, that's wishful thinking) 

Emotions and the divorce thing


This is hard.  So very hard.  I have not once questioned or second guessed my decision.  I know that I made the right decision.  My soon to be ex's actions and apparent lack of emotions about it all reinforce it.  Maybe I should be happy that he has painted the house since I left, and cleaned the siding, and added carpet over/replacing the carpet that his old cat ruined years ago before she died. And who knows what else.  I want him to move on, but he seems to be doing it without a backward glance and that hurts a bit.  So it's a half glad half upset thing)

So why is it hard?  

I'm changing everything about my life.  My life has changed almost totally and it's left me sitting in a weird position of being a bit lost.

 It's a LOT of alone time. The loneliness is KILLING ME!!!  At least when I was with him, I had hope of having some conversation.  I had hope of some companionship whenever he decided to engage in the relationship.  We actually did have fun at times......even up to the end.  Now I'm just looking at a blank horizon.  My family has been wonderful as have some local friends.  Zumba filled up three nights each week.  We are in a hiatus now and Zumba won't restart until January 12th.....gotta figure out how to fill those evenings!

I've thought some about the dating websites.  I have a handful of friends and acquaintances  that have been through this and overwhelmingly they have all told me to get back out there and date.  I've heard reasons that vary but they all do make sense.  They say do it to reaffirm that my husband was wrong and that I'm worth a guy being interested.  They also say if nothing else it's good for a laugh if you just get duds.  But the main thing, it will help fill the time and ease the utter loneliness  

I think that about sums it up. 






,.l;/

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

And then.....

Lets get the divorce/separation stuff over first since it really does affect my quest for health.   I'm settling in and getting used to living with my parents.  It's going to be an adjustment for everyone.  I am plagued by tears.  I am utterly thankful and grateful for parents that have opened their house to me (and my brother and his wife that also have told me many times that I'm welcome there).   However, part of me misses my husband and the life we did have together.  Yes, it may have been crappy, but we did have good times.  It is also what I've known for the last so many years.  I also still feel like an utter failure. Nothing I've done in life has turned out decently it feels.  And here I am 41 years old and I'm living with my parents again.  (We won't even talk about the fact that I will have to up that to 42 very soon.)  I just feel like a big fat failure.  

Fat....oh yes, now we get to the weight loss stuff.    Why am I even trying to lose weight?   I admittedly lost weight the first time in an effort to make my husband desire/want/love me in the way that I need to be loved.  Yeah yeah yeah, don't be a hater.  I know that was a totally stupid reason.....and that the weight wasn't the issue between us.   But our minds play stupid tricks on us and make us believe all sorts of things.  And just for the record, I may or may not have grasped at other crazy ideas to try to save the relationship.  I will neither confirm nor deny!!!! (ha)   So today I was sitting at work and thinking about this weight loss thing.  I was thinking about the weight and I decided that I could totally accept myself as a fat woman.  What would I do different?  I would start buying clothes in my size versus trying to make do with what I have because I don't want to waste my money on this size.  Basically I would accept myself as exactly what I am....an overweight woman.  No more stressing about eating a piece of cake.  No more thinking about how that straight up butter (my  mother wouldn't be caught dead with anything other than full fledged butter in this house) is so choke full of calories and fat.   No more obsessing and thinking about what I'm eating versus the calories I'm expending.  Just accept it as the way I am, pleasingly plump.

I literally nodded my head when I reached that decision.  I was ok with it.  I'm me no matter what size I am. (Well, I guess I'm me....I don't really know who I am anymore....but maybe I can figure that out sooner or later.)

And then......

Thoughts started floating through my head at warp speed.

Wow, my knees have been hurting a lot lately.  They didn't hurt when I had lost the weight.  If I don't try to lose weight I'm consigning myself to knee pain for evermore.

Its a heck of a lot more fun shopping for clothes. The buyers for fat women's stores and departments are obviously retarded (so sorry that is not politically correct but heck this is MY blog so if I say they are retarded, they are!) and can't buy anything that is even somewhat trendy and fashionable...and seriously, lay off the polyester!  So shopping ... yeah, I'd have to give that up....

Running.  Zumba.  I kinda like these things.  Hmmm.  I guess I could just be a fat girl running and zumba'ing.    I do those things better when I'm at a lower weight though.

Oh heck, I just had more energy when I was thin.

So guess what, I guess I'm not quitting.  I guess I will continue.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get back into the habit of tracking.  It's difficult.....but I need to do it.  I've been off he rails lately.   I'm having some difficulty reigning it in.  It's more difficult than I imagined it would be.

I have gone to zumba three nights this week.  (ok, two nights but I'm heading to night three in just a few hours).  I hope to recommence with running here soon (dang knees) and well....I'm just going to have to focus.....somehow.  (and then I went and ate two oreos.....really???)


Saturday, November 29, 2014

The next stage has begun

Well, I am officially moved.  The next step in my personal journey has begun.  I'm honestly scared senseless.  I'm uprooting my life and changing so much.  My plan is to start focusing on my weight again now that life should be settling into a more 'normal'.    It will be a rough transition as my parents don't eat exactly healthy and on top of that my mother bakes.....a LOT.  (Ok so she sells a lot of what she makes, but it is still in the house for me to have to resist).   In essence, I am starting a new life and I want to make it a life of health.

Running.   On Thanksgiving I was registered to run the local Turkey Trot.  I passed on it.  My heart said to save my energy for my move.  Yes, I completed my move on Thanksgiving day. (I still have some stuff to grab to go into storage....and my piano, but for the most part I am moved.)   I do not regret my decision at all.  However, I do feel bad that I missed my running buddy, Paula's wonderful run, where she set a personal record!!!  Go Paula!  

I had grand plans to start running this weekend.  I am delaying that a bit though.  You see, the move has been rough on my body.  My back is so tender and 'sore' from moving (I guess).  My right knee, the most arthritic ridden knee is really giving me some grief.  (Steps are rough on bad knees and all of my storage stuff went into a second story storage place and I moved into a basement....so steps all around!)    Maybe tomorrow I will run!  I at least know with the knee that I'm not doing any more damage to it...  :-)

So I'm still here.  I'm still emotional.  I have not wavered on my feelings about what needs to be done in terms of my marriage, but it is so difficult to face the 'failure' of my marriage.  It is also incredibly difficult to stop 'worrying' about my husband.  I have spent the last 16 years since we have been together taking care of him...it's just part of who I've become and it's difficult to stop those tendencies.  So I found myself finding something online that he needed to see and I had to fight the urge to text him to take care of it for him.  He's a big boy and he needs to stand on his own two feet.

Meanwhile, my cats are doing very well.





Lucy, my old girl (she is my calico and is my 17 year old cancer survivor) immediately left her cage when I arrived, walked around and found a safe corner and she promptly fell asleep!   She is sleeping and has discovered that she loves sleeping on an afghan of my mothers (my mom was going to take it upstairs, but I think it's staying down here now) that is sitting on the ottoman.




Ethel spent some time sleeping the first day.  She is 14 years old and like Lucy has been through some moves before so she handled it with grace and style....ok she slept the first day away too.  But now she is up around and investigating everything and meowing at the door to get to the main part of the house (until my girls are acclimated with my parents cat, there will have to be a separation of cats).   She woke me up in the middle of the night a few times last night to meow and 'talk to me' loudly.  When I tried to go back to sleep she would paw my face to get my attention.  She had a lot to say!

Mertz is the amazing transformation.  The first day my skittish little girl (she's 5 years old) went off into the laundry room and hid.  I saw her once as she ventured out, covered with cobwebs.  I petted her and she ran back to her hidey hole.  That was ok .  That is what she needed to do for her personal adjustment, she was safe and that's all I cared about.  However, when she was ready to venture out, my lone ranger cat who is anything BUT a lap cat....a cat that prefers to be alone and not lay with you or be petted has been by my side constantly.  She has laid with me, slept with me and if I try to pet Lucy or Ethel she gallops over in order to get some of the attention.   Night and day different!!!!  It's the most amazing thing to see!  Luckily for me, (and my niece and nephews who want to see her play) she is still playing the piano!  She has serenaded my parents and myself many times!

So my small 'family' is adjusting.  Lets see where this new life takes us.  Thinner and healthier if I have anything to say about it!





Monday, November 17, 2014

Limbo....but not the flexible game!! Post from 11-12

I was gung ho to start that challenge.  It was so simple.  It was so spot on.  It was something that even in my messed up life/world that I felt that I could manage.  And then I read the 'update' to the challenge.  Basically the organizer decided to add a bit to the challenge.   Now don't get me wrong.  I actually LOVE the things that they added.  I think all of the points are awesome.   But right now in my life it adds too many layers and complicates things too much.  I need simple right now.  I can't worry about all of the things to challenge myself with .  Yes, I know I could still the simple things, but I know me.  I would feel like a failure for not doing those things that I ignore.  It's not worth it to me.  So I remain challenge-less.

I have hit up zumba each night this week.  I have also run twice within the last couple days.   My eating....lets not talk about that.  However, I will say this......I do know that I have to dial that in!!!!!!

The last two days have been reality let tearless so hopefully things are shifting.  :-).  I just want this 'being in limbo' to end....and get on with my life.....reinvent myself.   Figure out who I am and what I want.  I need to find me again.  (Oh heavens help us because the real me may be a fruit loop of a nut case!!!!)   Either way I am chomping at the bit to get past this stage.   


Packing

I'm still around.   I'm not putting any effort into my weight loss at this point.   I've got so much going on that I feel as if my head may explode.

Packing, packing and more packing.  How can one person have this much stuff??? Really, I'm not joking!  It's heart wrenching packing.  It's decision laden packing.  I have to decide who 'owns' each and every item I pick up.  Is it mine or his.  If it is ours who gets to keep it.    If it is an item deemed as mine I then have to decide where it goes....storage or into the limited space that I will be calling 'mine' for the future.   It's a horrible process.   Seriously what do you do with this???


Why yes that's my wedding cake top.  

What about this???

My wedding bouquet?

Or better yet...


Every rose he ever gave me was dried and saved.  Yes I'm a sentimental fool!!!

I chucked the flowers (he pulled them out of the trash and put them in the compost pile...whatever.).  The bouquet and cake topper I threw in with his stuff.  Let him deal with that!!!   Ok that is probably mean, but I didn't want to deal with it.

So my house is stacks of boxes that I am continually moving to strafe...bringing in empty and filling them and moving them.


Last week I hit up Zumba three times...and ran twice.   So I'm not totally off the rails.

However I'm at the top end of that 5 pound weight fluctuation.  Grrrrrr

Monday, November 10, 2014

New toys

OI didn't want to, but I got myself up and out of the bed this morning.  Why?   I wanted to get out and run.  I contemplated. I seriously contemplated because I am going to zumba tonight.  So a run is a double dip into the exercise arena.  But you know what.  An extra bout of exercise is not going to kill me.  



I ran for the second time with my new headphones.  What can I say....LOVE LOVE LOVE them.  Why in the world did I drag my feet for so long before going with wireless headphones?   Liberating freedom.  No wires snaked through my clothes.  No wires flapping in the wind.   Nothing.  Freedom!   And even better?   I have long had a hate relationship with ear buds.  They just do not work well with my ear.   They just don't stay in my ears.  (Maybe I've got big ears....or maybe small ears....I don't know but they do NOT work for me).  I have compensated for this by buying buds that have an arm that loops around my ear.  You can see the ear piece hanging down in this picture. 



 But when it boils down, it is STILL an ear bud that doesn't fit in my ear.    The little arm loopy thing that goes over my ear helps but it is still a struggle.  Seriously.  When pictures are taken of me at races or whatnot, I usually have at least one picture that has me adjusting my headphone earpiece.  See......


These new headphones stay firm and snug on my head!   No earpiece to fuss with.  I have been able to run a few miles each time I've used them and I haven't had to adjust them AT ALL!   YAY!!!!  Well worth the money!!!!!


I also purchased a new heart rate monitor.  I went with a blue tooth monitor that I could link up with various apps on my phone.  Thus far I have only used the actual polar app.  My next step is to play with it within the mapmyfitness app (which is what I typically use) and the strava app (which I've heard is a superior app....so I want to play around with it).  This isn't as fun of a new purchase, but it gives me valuable feedback (I know that this morning I could have pushed it a bit harder just based upon my heart rate.)

I am holding on....by the tips of my fingers.  I am trying to get myself packed up.  Much of my stuff is going into storage, that is what I'm focusing on at this time.  Packing up that stuff.  My emotions are still fluctuating like mad. Some days are better than others.   Today, for example I didn't cry my whole run...that's an improvement right?    I just want this to be over and to be happy, if happiness is even an option in life for me.

Thursday, November 06, 2014

Focus forward

I was perusing blog posts today and stumbled across some talk of a 50 day challenge.  Now let me be honest. I've joined some challenges and they have been awesome, but more often than not the challenges turn into a eat this food product, follow this diet plan or buy this exercise program and commit to it for the set time.  I don't want that.  I'm not saying that the said methods don't work.....for that person.  However, the same thing doesn't work for everyone and it may work for the first half of a challenge and then need adjusting.  So I prefer a little more 'leeway'.   So it was with some skepticm that I began to read about this challenge.  The first item up for conversation was water consumption.  Hmmm, I do try to drink a fair amount of water.   I read onward.  Wow, they weren't even saying to cut out other forms of drinks.  The focus is just to drink water.  If you get your water in and continue to drink other stuff....great.  I can do that!

I read on.  The next thing was to eat thoughtfully.  Well yeah, that's important too!  And simple!   I can do this one!  Next up was to chose your holiday celebrations.  Once again not saying you can't celebrate just saying chose your celebrations carefully.  Hmmmm

Item number 4 was to move regularly.  200 minutes a week....really?  I already do 180 minutes just with my 3 zumba classes.  Easy peasy!

The last challenge item was to track and reflect daily!   Ok, so I haven't been tracking lately, but you know what?  I'm ok with doing it again.  Might be good for me.

 I'm in!   This is a basic plan that focuses on healthy HABITS and not the actual method of completing those habits.   

I'm in a stage of my life where things are going to be changing at a rapid pace.  I'll be moving.  I am saying goodbye to a life and lifestyle that have become comfortable (maybe not what I want...but comfortable).   I am saying goodbye to a man that I do love, but that I know is not what I need.   I need to have that daily reminder and challenge to help me set up my 'new life' with these habits first and foremost.    And well....yes, I'm going to be turning 42 right about the time that I move back into my parents house.  (yes, I'm moving in with my mommy and daddy.....but it's the best move for me as I can recoup emotionally and yes financially).  The problem with moving in with my parents?    My mom bakes CONSTANTLY.  True, she sells most of her product at a local farmers market but there are always delicious baked goods in the house.   But I will navigate that landmine and in doing it I will become stronger in this journey of weight loss.

There are good factors about moving in with my parents, beyond the obvious.  And the plethera of baked good is NOT a positive, as much as my mind and taste buds say it is positive.  My friend Paula is super excited because I will be living within a mile or two of her and that means it will be SOOO much easier to run together. (we are about 30 minutes apart now).  My sister in law has asked me (before any of this started to go down) to join a fitness center with her.  Yeah, I probably will. My sister in law (who incidentally lives across the street from my parents) also runs.  My aunt (who lives next door) has run also (don't know if she is right now due to a knee injury).   So I will have an outlet and support.   (which is good because darn if cakes and pastries are not my downfall!).  And well, I'm going to be in the finished basement with my kitty cats so I will once again have STEPS!  (Yesterday's post explains it all)

I can navigate these changes.  I can, I have to.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

No longer hiding

This is probably the hardest blog post I have ever had to write.  Brutal actually.  And really what does it have to do with weight loss?   Nothing.   Everything.

I've alluded to the fact that I'm utterly sad and depressed.   I've not really come out and said what's going on but suffice it to say it's been no fun.   So it is with a heavy, heartbroken heart that I write that my marriage is over.  Oh it's not over on paper and on a technical viewpoint, we've got a ways to go until everything is finalized, signed sealed and delivered.  But it's 'over'.  


I have no interest in rehashing the details of what brought about the demise of my marriage.  This is not the time or place for that.  

I have struggled greatly over this upcoming 'event'.  I grew up in an environment where Divorce was a bad bad word. It was ingrained in my mind that divorce was a bad thing and looked down upon.  I resisted this for so long.  If I pray for my marriage it will work, right?  Nope.   That didn't work....nothing I tried worked. (and I tried and tried and tried)  So I will join the ranks of people that have a 'failed marriage' in the life.  Great, another failure! Just what I wanted, as if I haven't failed in enough of my ventures.



I am petrified.  I am scared.   I am heartbroken.

I know that these issues have held me back in my weight loss efforts the last year. The stress alone probably is enough to drop me in my tracks and keep me from success.  Beyond that,  I haven't been able to focus on anything other than these issues and how I'm feeling.   I hope that as these issues are eradicated from my life that the weight drops.  I sure hope so!


So I end this post hopeful for the future.