First things first. This morning forgot to weigh myself ...until i was ready to walk out the door. Kicked my shoes off but didn't have time to strip down to completely au natural (which is how I normally weigh myself). January turned out to be exactly a 10 pound month (well, actually probably a bit more than 10 pounds as I was wearing clothes!)
I don't know where yesterdays post came from. Maybe just finally wording it. I'm not in any dire straights. I'm sad.....a lot. I don't know how to get myselsf extracted from some situations. (hello I need a new job..that would solve it...but there isn't much hiring that would fit my needs/qualifications/etc) and some situations I really have no control over. I just have learned to take care of myself.
That said...it's WEDNESDAY! And it's my half day wednesday. And it's gorgeous outside! Hoepfully I can get in a walk outside between getting off work at noon and the dentist appointment at 1:50. :-) (just a cleaning). And hopefully zumba this evening.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
It's time to come out and admit what is obvious
You know...reading between the lines someone that has been reading my blog for a while can tell. But I've never come out and said it. I don't know why. I guess maybe I just didn't want to admit it. To admit it...admits that I'm not perfect. I know I'm not perfect...but this is a major flaw....and embarrassing. I like to be in control, and this is so not in control.
You see....I battle depression. I've never been diagnosed as clinically depressed. I know that my depression is situational. It happens when backed in a corner where I feel there is no easy way out....that's when it rears it's ugly head. It's almost like I can't figure out a way to dispel the gloom that wells up inside me. It starts small and just progressively gets worse until I'm ready to explode.
This scares me for two very clear reasons. Both happened years ago. I didn't really recognize what was happening to me. Both times I knew I was sad. I knew I was stressed. I knew I felt horrible.
The first time I was really oblivious to how bad I was....I was in college...and luckily I had some GREAT friends. These friends really recognized where I was at and knowing it was a situational problem, they gathered around me. I was rarely alone. I had a private room....but when my alarm would go off, within minutes one of them would appear in my room to coax me into getting up and facing the day. Someone was by my side almost constantly. I will forever be thankful to these gals ....who stood by me and gave me the courage to face each and every day until the situation righted itself. I hadn't realized how badly I had sunk, until years later when during a conversation with one of those friends she told me how utterly scared they were for me.
The second time was the scariest for me. I was in a horrible situation. I was living in Laurel, MD and teaching in PG county. If you are local to the DC area, that should tell you everything you want to know....but if you are not..I wrote about it some back, the good the bad and the ugly. It wasn't a pretty scene. Every day pushed me further into the state of being an emotional wreck. As I wrote, I was in the ER, with breathing problems.... I cried constantly...and the feeling of not wanting to face the day was back. I had Todd who wasn't at my side (he was still in Western Maryland) and my parents and my friend Julie..who was the only one that lived nearby. (God love em all). But I was still alone. And I kept sinking further. I still didn't realize how bad it could get. Until one day when I was riding down the road and saw a large dump truck and a thought flitted through my head. It's a thought that should never flit through anybodies mind. And if that's not bad enough....I started to act upon that thought. YOu see, that thought was that 'if I pull in front of that truck I wouldn't have to live with this pain any longer". Yes, I steered my car in that direction....and thankfully I came to my senses before any decision was irrevocable as it was only a quick jerk of the steering wheel. I would never have thought that I was suicidal...and still don't say so. ...it's not a valid way to face a problem. I can't do it to my friends and family. Not an option. But for that split second it seemed so clear. As a side note...I walked away from teaching....the very next day. It was luckily a situational issue that I was able to extract myself from easily. Yes of course walking had it's own ramifications...but I was able to walk away....ALIVE.
.
I have some many issues where I feel powerless and it bubbles inside me...and fills me with this gloom that I can't dispel. It's not easy to change some of these things. I guess a way to sum it up...right now...I feel like my life is meaningless.....in so many aspects of my life. So yes, the depression is there....it threatens to bubble over some days. I keep a close eye on my emotions......and sometimes just check out of life to 'decompress' ....to cry....to rejuvenate. I NEVER want that thought to flit through my head again.
I have no clue why I'm writing this today.....it's just what was on my heart today (and yes, I took a 'mental health' day from work...so I guess that's why I'm writing it). I don't know how to go about fixing any of the issues in my life. I don't know how to go about finding meaning in my life.....making my life have a purpose.
Mental health does play into the weight loss.......
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
That said, January is just about over......I will weigh tomorrow to see where I'm at....but as of Sunday I can claim a 7 pound loss for this month. I'll take it....because I struggled !!!!
You see....I battle depression. I've never been diagnosed as clinically depressed. I know that my depression is situational. It happens when backed in a corner where I feel there is no easy way out....that's when it rears it's ugly head. It's almost like I can't figure out a way to dispel the gloom that wells up inside me. It starts small and just progressively gets worse until I'm ready to explode.
This scares me for two very clear reasons. Both happened years ago. I didn't really recognize what was happening to me. Both times I knew I was sad. I knew I was stressed. I knew I felt horrible.
The first time I was really oblivious to how bad I was....I was in college...and luckily I had some GREAT friends. These friends really recognized where I was at and knowing it was a situational problem, they gathered around me. I was rarely alone. I had a private room....but when my alarm would go off, within minutes one of them would appear in my room to coax me into getting up and facing the day. Someone was by my side almost constantly. I will forever be thankful to these gals ....who stood by me and gave me the courage to face each and every day until the situation righted itself. I hadn't realized how badly I had sunk, until years later when during a conversation with one of those friends she told me how utterly scared they were for me.
The second time was the scariest for me. I was in a horrible situation. I was living in Laurel, MD and teaching in PG county. If you are local to the DC area, that should tell you everything you want to know....but if you are not..I wrote about it some back, the good the bad and the ugly. It wasn't a pretty scene. Every day pushed me further into the state of being an emotional wreck. As I wrote, I was in the ER, with breathing problems.... I cried constantly...and the feeling of not wanting to face the day was back. I had Todd who wasn't at my side (he was still in Western Maryland) and my parents and my friend Julie..who was the only one that lived nearby. (God love em all). But I was still alone. And I kept sinking further. I still didn't realize how bad it could get. Until one day when I was riding down the road and saw a large dump truck and a thought flitted through my head. It's a thought that should never flit through anybodies mind. And if that's not bad enough....I started to act upon that thought. YOu see, that thought was that 'if I pull in front of that truck I wouldn't have to live with this pain any longer". Yes, I steered my car in that direction....and thankfully I came to my senses before any decision was irrevocable as it was only a quick jerk of the steering wheel. I would never have thought that I was suicidal...and still don't say so. ...it's not a valid way to face a problem. I can't do it to my friends and family. Not an option. But for that split second it seemed so clear. As a side note...I walked away from teaching....the very next day. It was luckily a situational issue that I was able to extract myself from easily. Yes of course walking had it's own ramifications...but I was able to walk away....ALIVE.
.
I have some many issues where I feel powerless and it bubbles inside me...and fills me with this gloom that I can't dispel. It's not easy to change some of these things. I guess a way to sum it up...right now...I feel like my life is meaningless.....in so many aspects of my life. So yes, the depression is there....it threatens to bubble over some days. I keep a close eye on my emotions......and sometimes just check out of life to 'decompress' ....to cry....to rejuvenate. I NEVER want that thought to flit through my head again.
I have no clue why I'm writing this today.....it's just what was on my heart today (and yes, I took a 'mental health' day from work...so I guess that's why I'm writing it). I don't know how to go about fixing any of the issues in my life. I don't know how to go about finding meaning in my life.....making my life have a purpose.
Mental health does play into the weight loss.......
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
That said, January is just about over......I will weigh tomorrow to see where I'm at....but as of Sunday I can claim a 7 pound loss for this month. I'll take it....because I struggled !!!!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I'm still around....
The weekend was rough. Lets get that out of the way right away. ROUGH ROUGH ROUGH! I was alone. I was lonely. I was feeling really rejected. I ate. I have put everything into my journal. I never really TOTALLY blew it. But I was over my calorie count each and every day. (why do I sayI didn't totally blow it!?....because I aim for 1300 calories.....that is well below what I need to maintain.......I never went ABOVE what I need to maintain!). The worst part? I didn't exercise. Well, I take that back. Friday was GREAT. I got off work, headed out to do my errands, came home and ripped through the house, moving furniture, vacuuming floors, steam cleaning carpets, scouring tubs and toilets. You name it. AND I found time to ride the exercise bike for 45 minutes. Friday was SPECTACULAR. Saturday and Sunday are where I fell.
Monday we went into DC for the day. My pedometer showed that we walked 6.5 miles. Ok....I ATE for dinner. I splurged. But I just put my food in (VERY honest accounting) and you know what? I was STILL under my 'maintain' caloric goal. (when I added in a few hours of walking....calculating a strolling pace too...like I said, I was VERY honest.....in fact I could have doubled the walking time, but I didn't want to overdo).
Yesterday, Tuesday a customer brought in a tin full of homemade candy.....uhhh yeah, I wish I could say that I didn't know how it tasted....but I don't lie. It was scrumptious!
Sooooo I haven't stepped onto the scales in about a week. I did so this morning. My weight stayed exactly the same. I'm ok with that. I held it steady at least during my 'bad week'. I didn't gain! That's the important thing from this past weekend.
So today I'm DYING to go out to eat. Todd and I are both off at noon today. Typically that would be cause for going out to eat. But I know that if we go, first of all it's money out of our pocket...we are trying to save! But secondly, where I want to go is super high in calories. :-) SOOOO this morning before I left, I whipped together as soup and I have it in the crockpot this morning. :-) Lunch eat out temptation averted.
SO I'm still around....haven't fallen off the face of the earth......just hanging on!
Monday we went into DC for the day. My pedometer showed that we walked 6.5 miles. Ok....I ATE for dinner. I splurged. But I just put my food in (VERY honest accounting) and you know what? I was STILL under my 'maintain' caloric goal. (when I added in a few hours of walking....calculating a strolling pace too...like I said, I was VERY honest.....in fact I could have doubled the walking time, but I didn't want to overdo).
Yesterday, Tuesday a customer brought in a tin full of homemade candy.....uhhh yeah, I wish I could say that I didn't know how it tasted....but I don't lie. It was scrumptious!
Sooooo I haven't stepped onto the scales in about a week. I did so this morning. My weight stayed exactly the same. I'm ok with that. I held it steady at least during my 'bad week'. I didn't gain! That's the important thing from this past weekend.
So today I'm DYING to go out to eat. Todd and I are both off at noon today. Typically that would be cause for going out to eat. But I know that if we go, first of all it's money out of our pocket...we are trying to save! But secondly, where I want to go is super high in calories. :-) SOOOO this morning before I left, I whipped together as soup and I have it in the crockpot this morning. :-) Lunch eat out temptation averted.
SO I'm still around....haven't fallen off the face of the earth......just hanging on!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Miles and a new day
So putting my bad day behind me. I tried to hold it together yesterday and didn't TOTALLY blow it. But today is a new day. And I'm on target and feeling strong!
I"m at work, it's my early day, meaning I get off work at 2. I also will probably hit up the grocery store and target this afternoon after work. But I'm determined to exercise today. No ifs ands or buts. It may be when I get back from town, but it's gonna happen.
We have a recumbent style exercise bike in our bedroom. It's in a cramped space and honestly we don't have a 'better place for it". It tends to get piled up with stuff....but today my mission is to clear it off and ride it! I need to start putting more miles on! I have a mileage goal that I would love to make. I know that the miles will add up much faster when i'm out on my bike this summer.....and honestly they will add up much faster on my exercise bike. :-) The walking should be a consitent 2 miles a few mornings a week....as Todd has figured out that walking helps his digestion! (He actually went out and walked this morning on his own!!! WOW, has he finally gotten it??? Has he finally gotten that he can control many of his digestion issues????)
The only thing, I don't want to lose focus on my health in a crazy attempt to get miles. Zumba days are just that...zumba days. I'm not counting that toward my mileage (although I probably do enough steps that I could call it a few miles! LOL). I have other forms of exercise that I plan on doing. But I'm not counting those. The mileage is above and beyond those things!
I"m at work, it's my early day, meaning I get off work at 2. I also will probably hit up the grocery store and target this afternoon after work. But I'm determined to exercise today. No ifs ands or buts. It may be when I get back from town, but it's gonna happen.
We have a recumbent style exercise bike in our bedroom. It's in a cramped space and honestly we don't have a 'better place for it". It tends to get piled up with stuff....but today my mission is to clear it off and ride it! I need to start putting more miles on! I have a mileage goal that I would love to make. I know that the miles will add up much faster when i'm out on my bike this summer.....and honestly they will add up much faster on my exercise bike. :-) The walking should be a consitent 2 miles a few mornings a week....as Todd has figured out that walking helps his digestion! (He actually went out and walked this morning on his own!!! WOW, has he finally gotten it??? Has he finally gotten that he can control many of his digestion issues????)
The only thing, I don't want to lose focus on my health in a crazy attempt to get miles. Zumba days are just that...zumba days. I'm not counting that toward my mileage (although I probably do enough steps that I could call it a few miles! LOL). I have other forms of exercise that I plan on doing. But I'm not counting those. The mileage is above and beyond those things!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
stress didn't get me...mindless eating did
Conquered last night.....baked and everything. BUT, what I baked...well I dont know, my mind wasn't there and I just wasn't happy with it. So this morning I made a batch of zucchini muffins. I had one. It was in my budget for the day....and I don't know what happened but I estimate that six went down the hatch!!! Yes, I ate 6 cookies before I realized what I was doing. ARRGGHHH I know exactly what was going through my head. The taste sent me into that feeling of rapture...that HIGH. And I wanted to keep that high going. So I kept eating. Yup, I've been doing good facing the stress eating, but the high got me anyway. I've looked at my food budget for the day. Not sure how I can recover from 6 (estimate because I certainly wasn't counting) cookies. I had already packed mostly fruits and veggies for lunch which left me about 400-500 calories for dinner. It's hard to pare down my lunch any further as I was already pared down becuase we had a nice breakfast. ARRRGGHHHH
I'm not going to stress it. Because that just perpetuates the vicious cycle. I'm going to eat wisely the rest of the day and move on. I did it, nothing I can do to take it back.....so moving onward.
I'm not going to stress it. Because that just perpetuates the vicious cycle. I'm going to eat wisely the rest of the day and move on. I did it, nothing I can do to take it back.....so moving onward.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Food = Love
Wednesday Evening January 11, 2012
I had too much time to think at work today. My job is mind numbingly boring. I feel like I'm going insane there from the utter inactivity and lack of mental challenges. But with everything happening in my life, sometimes it gives me too much time to think about everything and that is not good at times. This day was one of those days.
It was a pouring rain as I drove home. I had made a grave error, I had not planned my eating correctly and I was ravenous! AND I had to do some baking for my co-workers birthday. Those things coupled with the sadness that pressed inward upon me was just weighing heavily upon me. It was a short ride but my mind was in a whirl thinking about all the foods that I could eat when I got home. I didn't want to cave and eat, but I KNEW that I was going to binge. I mentally tried to talk myself out of it. I didn't want to binge but I was buried with a feeling of utter hopelessness, becuase I KNEW that there was no hope of me NOT binging. And I started crying. I don't want to have an addiction. I don't want to turn to food for comfort, for that feeling. It is the most helpless feeling. It is not anything that I want nor like.
I pulled into the driveway and just sat there for a few minutes as this hopeless spirit washed over me. I started to think about my addiction. I didn't have a horrible childhood that made me turn to food. I come from a family of foodies. (maybe they have/had an addiction, that's not for me to know or judge). My family likes food. We like it for that tastes, the textures the flavors. My addiction came from the love of those flavors. The high that I get when I taste excelllent foods. BUT, My family feeds people out of love. And that is when I had my AHA moment. Food is equal to love. So what started as a simple love of food turned into an addiction and it is just natural that when I don't feel loved that I turn to food becauase food equals love. So it's a one two punch.
SOOO I finally wiped my eyes and walked into the house. I was still convinced that I was going to binge but my mind was in a whirl as to what I could do to my food budget plan to accomodate a little snacking and maybe even a few bits of cookie dough. I knew I was ravenous. So to ease the impulse to eat, I jumped right to my evening snack. I knew I had planned about 100 calories....so I grabbed a box of the Special K Chips. I ate about 15 chips (if that...which later turned out to be a half of serving) to curb that "I'm going to gnaw on the pantry doors i'm so hungry" feeling. I thought about what I could ditch out of my planned dinner to gain some extra calories for the baking. Then I prepared and ate the main part of my meal...I ditched all the little extras. And then had a few bites of cookie dough while I was baking. Right now I'm tempted to go eat the rest of that serving of chips...but I'm holding tight. and I just put my food into my calorie counter.....I'm only 89 calories over for the day! Did I binge? Some may say yes. But somehow, somewhere, I found the courage to hold it at bay.
This stuff is SOOO difficult!!!
I had too much time to think at work today. My job is mind numbingly boring. I feel like I'm going insane there from the utter inactivity and lack of mental challenges. But with everything happening in my life, sometimes it gives me too much time to think about everything and that is not good at times. This day was one of those days.
It was a pouring rain as I drove home. I had made a grave error, I had not planned my eating correctly and I was ravenous! AND I had to do some baking for my co-workers birthday. Those things coupled with the sadness that pressed inward upon me was just weighing heavily upon me. It was a short ride but my mind was in a whirl thinking about all the foods that I could eat when I got home. I didn't want to cave and eat, but I KNEW that I was going to binge. I mentally tried to talk myself out of it. I didn't want to binge but I was buried with a feeling of utter hopelessness, becuase I KNEW that there was no hope of me NOT binging. And I started crying. I don't want to have an addiction. I don't want to turn to food for comfort, for that feeling. It is the most helpless feeling. It is not anything that I want nor like.
I pulled into the driveway and just sat there for a few minutes as this hopeless spirit washed over me. I started to think about my addiction. I didn't have a horrible childhood that made me turn to food. I come from a family of foodies. (maybe they have/had an addiction, that's not for me to know or judge). My family likes food. We like it for that tastes, the textures the flavors. My addiction came from the love of those flavors. The high that I get when I taste excelllent foods. BUT, My family feeds people out of love. And that is when I had my AHA moment. Food is equal to love. So what started as a simple love of food turned into an addiction and it is just natural that when I don't feel loved that I turn to food becauase food equals love. So it's a one two punch.
SOOO I finally wiped my eyes and walked into the house. I was still convinced that I was going to binge but my mind was in a whirl as to what I could do to my food budget plan to accomodate a little snacking and maybe even a few bits of cookie dough. I knew I was ravenous. So to ease the impulse to eat, I jumped right to my evening snack. I knew I had planned about 100 calories....so I grabbed a box of the Special K Chips. I ate about 15 chips (if that...which later turned out to be a half of serving) to curb that "I'm going to gnaw on the pantry doors i'm so hungry" feeling. I thought about what I could ditch out of my planned dinner to gain some extra calories for the baking. Then I prepared and ate the main part of my meal...I ditched all the little extras. And then had a few bites of cookie dough while I was baking. Right now I'm tempted to go eat the rest of that serving of chips...but I'm holding tight. and I just put my food into my calorie counter.....I'm only 89 calories over for the day! Did I binge? Some may say yes. But somehow, somewhere, I found the courage to hold it at bay.
This stuff is SOOO difficult!!!
My weight held steady at the higher weight again. Not too overly surprised...I exercised late, ate dinner later, ate a very high sodium meal (tried to drink a lot of water to compensate...well over 100 ounces) but still woke up thirsty. So not too surprised. There is no reason and I'm not going to let it get to me. You see, I've eaten well within my caloric range. (I'm set to eat 1300 calories. I've been right at 1300 calories each day......usually 50-100 calories over....which is GREAT!) So I know that the pounds will start to drop.
Walked this morning on the canal for an hour. I'll do zumba tonight. My knee is really aching today. But I"m plodding onward, you see...I KNOW that the arthritis pain will dissapate as my weight drops. :-) So 'm just working through the pain. My knee brace is my best friend right now! :-)
Walked this morning on the canal for an hour. I'll do zumba tonight. My knee is really aching today. But I"m plodding onward, you see...I KNOW that the arthritis pain will dissapate as my weight drops. :-) So 'm just working through the pain. My knee brace is my best friend right now! :-)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Water consumption
The weight was a bit up today. I knew it was going to be. I knew it as soon as I came to a semi conscious state. Why? I was SOOO thirsty. Mornings when I wake up thirsty, my weight is up.
Water consumption is a tricky thing. I've read and been told by people 'in the know' that if you wait until you are thirsty to drink....then it's too late....you are already dehydrated. I learned this the hard way years ago when I was biking regularly. I had a couple really scary bike rides. I wasn't thirsty so I didn't drink. And I ended up laying prone on the edge of the path with my bike laying beside me. I wasn't drinking...I wasn't thirsty. And in times of exercise the problem comes in that once you get to that point it's near impossible to 'catch up' on your water consumption while you are still exercising. I'm very careful now. But it makes sense and it also really makes sense as to why I'm retaining water/my weight is up on morning when I wake up just totally parched. It's EVERY time. (and isn't that crazy that we retain water when we are becoming dehydrated).
Sooo yes, my weight was up this morning. I did NOTHING that would cause it to be up. I ate within my calories, I exercised (walk in the morning, zumba in the evening...so two hours of exercise). No reason. Well, I did eat late (zumba doesn't get over until 7:45). So I'm not concerned. I'm drinking my water today....my meals are all planned out. I've got zumba tonight again for exercise. And I'm just going to keep on keeping on and ignore that pesky number today!
Water consumption is a tricky thing. I've read and been told by people 'in the know' that if you wait until you are thirsty to drink....then it's too late....you are already dehydrated. I learned this the hard way years ago when I was biking regularly. I had a couple really scary bike rides. I wasn't thirsty so I didn't drink. And I ended up laying prone on the edge of the path with my bike laying beside me. I wasn't drinking...I wasn't thirsty. And in times of exercise the problem comes in that once you get to that point it's near impossible to 'catch up' on your water consumption while you are still exercising. I'm very careful now. But it makes sense and it also really makes sense as to why I'm retaining water/my weight is up on morning when I wake up just totally parched. It's EVERY time. (and isn't that crazy that we retain water when we are becoming dehydrated).
Sooo yes, my weight was up this morning. I did NOTHING that would cause it to be up. I ate within my calories, I exercised (walk in the morning, zumba in the evening...so two hours of exercise). No reason. Well, I did eat late (zumba doesn't get over until 7:45). So I'm not concerned. I'm drinking my water today....my meals are all planned out. I've got zumba tonight again for exercise. And I'm just going to keep on keeping on and ignore that pesky number today!
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