Friday, February 20, 2015

Checking in





Well, here I am again.  I feel fat bloated and just miserable.  Why oh why do I do it to myself?   My parents eat so differently from what I am used to....just getting meatless food sometimes is difficult.  It's not stubborness, it's just not thinking, 'cooking the spaghetti sauce in the pan that you browned the meatballs is just as bad as adding beef to the sauce because of all the little itty bits of beef left in the sauce!'   I feel bad because my parents are nice enough to feed their wayward daughter so I eat it.  grrrr.  But that is more of a personal preference.  The issue that I'm REALLY struggling with is the sweets.  My mom bakes so there is always stuff here.  No one forces me to eat this stuff.  I'm doing it to myself!  Yet I seem to lack any kind of will power to resist!  

That said, I am doing just a tad bit better.  A tad.  The leftover chocolate icing still gets me every time.  :-)  But hey, at least I'm eating the homemade chocolate (delicious) icing on a banana and on strawberries!

The diet soda thing.....well.......it's still an ongoing issue as evidenced in the picture.  Buying a super sized fountain drink wasn't enough, I had to have a spare can handy!  This has gotta change too.  Today I bought a britta water bottle.  Maybe this will help me with the water consumption!  (Plus it had the ounce marks and I loved that on one of my old water bottles!)

Maybe this water bottle will do the trick!

I keep wondering if weight watchers



Running....uhhhhhh I'm paying the price for not running consistently after I ran the 10k back in October. Yeah, I was so sore after my previous runs. And it's SOOOO freakin' cold to be out there running my sluggish and oh so gorgeous training runs where I can barely make it two miles!


Why yes, I actually ran  in 17 degree weather (it was actually colder, I was done running by that time!  I was actually not freezing cold until the last 1/4 mile and then my stomach felt like it was a block of ice that if I got an ice pick I could chip off.  It was tempting but I was pretty sure that was not the best way to lose weight!


Meanwhile, I'm playing the piano and  lovin' on my kitties.  Trying to keep the errant and crazy emotions at bay.  (don't think that's working too well!)


Monday, February 09, 2015

And we are off!!!

I'm not going to say it.  I refuse to say it!  Seriously!   If I say that life seems to be settling down, something will happen.  A cat, a dad, another cat, a marriage, a job.  SOMETHING.   So I'm just not going to say it.  Infer away....I'm just not going to say it.

I actually had a somewhat active weekend.  Lots of walking.  Lots of activity.  Lots of movement.  I didn't eat 'too' horribly, but I knew that I needed to buckle down.  So as of this morning, I am back to tracking. I've got three hundred calories for dinner...so  bit slim pickings for dinner. (however, I haven't eaten my apple and I am stuffed so I may be able to add 65 calories back into my food.  That said, I ran this morning. (more on that later) and I plan on doing zumba tonight.  So just my morning run netted me some calories that I can consume and not kill my 'budget'.   SO I'm back.  Working it.....or rather going to try. 

The cakes, pies, pastries, oreos, chocolate icing and just BAD (but oh so yummy) foods that are plentiful at my parents house are a thing of the past.  I can resist.  I WILL resist.   I've got this!



Running.  I ran the 10k back in October and I was proud of myself for completing it.  I vowed to work on speed....and then promptly fell apart (coincidentally right in step with when my marriage fell apart.....ironic isn't it?).   Earlier last year I had agreed to run a 10k with a friend.   In late November she texted me to let me know that the price was going up on Dec. 15th and that if I wanted to do it to jump on it.  I got the particulars that I needed to register and I was ready.  I made plans to start running....at least 3-4 miles each week so that when it was time to really dive into training that I would be ready.   Oh yes, I made that plan.     The last time I ran?   January 1, 2015.    Why yes, I seem to have skipped a full month.  And lets be honest, December was spotty at best.  November was non-existent as I moved and the latter part of October was shot as I struggled with my decisions.  So here I am....beginning of February and I haven't run.  Not to worry, not to worry.  Plenty of time before my 10k!    On Friday it hit me.  This 10k is CLOSE  as in about 8 weeks.   Or so I thought.  In reality, 7 weeks.  Uhhhhhh  yeah, this is NOT going to be pretty.   I did a fair amount of walking on Saturday and I planned to be out on the canal a bit in the morning on Sunday.  Perfect!   Walking to limber me up and then while I was out on the canal I could just swap out shoes, throw on the headphones and take a wee little jog. This would be perfect as I usually do a ''benchmark" weekly jog on the canal to assess my progress....flat, no traffic, no stops and in the summer mostly shaded.   PERFECT!  I would get my first jog in and give myself a starting point....a benchmark so to speak.

I had no grand illusions.  I knew that it was not going to be a brutal run. Oh yeah, I knew it.  My goal was 2 miles.  I HOPED to make it two miles.  I was going to be happy with whatever.  We have to start somewhere.   I am proud to say I made it the two miles that I set out to do.  It actually wasn't that bad.  I'm not going to say it was easy.  I"m not going to say it was fast.   But I did it and it didn't kill me.  Slow....but I completed it.

Riding high on my success, and with this end of march 10k looming, I made plans to run this morning.  2 miles.  that's all I wanted to complete. I laid out my workout clothes last night!!!   Running clothes and warm stuff for my jog and exercise clothes for Zumba.  Notice I didn't lay out clothes for work...did I just let everyone see what's important to me???



  My friend Paula joined me.  It was a bit cool......




Ok, it was cold.   And it was a bit rainy.   And oh my word, my body is SORE.  I walked a fair amount of my run today.  It just wasn't happening.  But I was out there and I was moving and I'm on my way!



So here we go again!

Monday, February 02, 2015

Wow....what a week

I made my last post.  I was on top of it.  I was changing my habits little by little and things were looking up.  And then.  Seriously, isn't there always a 'but then.."

I knew that my father had been having headaches and that his condition was worsening.  I knew that on Thursday (the day of my post) that he had a doctors appointment.   I figured that he was having migraines again (he had them when I was younger) or that it was something else (he had shingles once and had horrible headaches from that).  So I wasn't concerned.  My worry ratcheted up a notch when my mom let me know that they were taking him for an immediate Cat scan.   My worry exploded into absolute fear when my mom called shortly after the Cat scan to tell me that the doctor had sent the immediately to the ER.  Dad had a subdural hematoma....most likely resulting from a fall on some ice back in November (yes, November....my dad is a very lucky blessed man) The pressure of the accumulated blood was causing the headaches and creating the disorientation and other symptoms.   We all met at the hospital and waited.  Surgery can correct the problem (remove/drain the excess blood thereby relieving the pressure) .  There was a glitch...dad has been on blood thinners ever since he had a stent put in for his heart issues.  BIG issue.    To do surgery while someone is on blood thinners is inviting more bleeding...the very thing we were trying to correct.  Decisions decisions (for the doctors...we were at their mercy).  Dad was admitted to the hospital where they watched him closely and gave him meds to help with the swelling and the pain and meds to avoid badness from happening (anti seizure meds).   It was a waiting game.  It was riskier to do the surgery versus wait under the blood thinners had worked out of his system.  Dad was a bit disoriented and loopy at times (pressure on the brain does that) ..and while it was HORRIBLE to see, it was funny.  We passed the week mark and the doctors decided the risks had been significantly lowered and decided to operate.    The surgery went well and we all breathed a sigh of relief.  He is now home and while he looks like he was in a horrible fight (and lost) because of his swollen head and the black and blue eyes and cheek, he is on the mend.   We are continuing to pray as there is a chance of further bleeding and that could necessitate another surgery (without the long wait this time as he is off his blood thinners....minimally they like to wait a week....optimally two weeks).

Sooooooo  lets just say that MaryFran's eating was....well.......off the hook!   Fast food, donuts, late night eating, coming home exhausted late at night and having a dinner of oreos!   Why yes, I did say oreos.  (my mom's wonderful chocolate icing was a really good dinner and snack also!)   Today was the first day that I drank water. The rest of the time it was pepsi, or dr. pepper.   Hey, at least it was Diet drinks!

I'm reigning it back in. I didn't go to zumba tonight.  I ended up falling ill on Sunday. Ok, not really falling ill that was so melodramatic and I couldn't resist.  The exhaustion from the week and a half in the hospital was not the cause of my headaches and eventual sore throat.  My sinus' were draining and really did a number on my head and I just kinda crashed.  I was still sluggish this morning and decided to not go.....figuring that not over extending myself was a wise choice for today.

Soooooo, my world has YET to settle down.   My life has YET to be calm.   My life is still falling apart....and I'm starting to wonder if I should put a sign around my neck that says "come near me at your own risk!"

Meanwhile, the cats are doing ok.    Holding their own.  :-)


Thursday, January 22, 2015

One foot in front of the other

Why is this so difficult?  I kept vowing to try and start and work on this weight I'm all over this I kept telling myself.  And every day I would eat candy or french fries or something that would throw me for a loop and make me say "tomorrow" is the day.   Starting was proving to be the killer.

Toward the end of last week I made a vow to myself.  I was going to track my food....no matter what. I didn't matter what I chose to eat, all that matter was that I tracked EACH AND EVERY BITE!   Who cares if I was eating 40000 calories, my only responsibility was to track.  Now before you gasp and think, "what in the world, she just gave herself permission to eat anything".....I know that when I see the calories being consumed that I will freak and it will automatically pull me into control.

It worked....until yesterday.

Yesterday morning was bad.  I felt like one hot emotional wreck.  Just full of tears over everything.  I pulled myself together to go make breakfast and pack my lunch and proceeded to slice my hand open pretty badly (bad enough that half of my hand aches today....and it hurts to type!).  By the time I got that to stop bleeding and get myself ready for work it was time to go and I hadn't eaten breakfast yet.  So I did what anyone would do.  I stopped on the way.

I told myself just a breakfast sandwich and a small drink.  But you know what happened.  "Would you like to make that a meal"    And of course I answered yes and with no hesitation when she asked "super sized" I said yes also.   And that just set me up for a day of food debauchery.   (bad start to eating and roaring emotions...yup, failure)

All was not lost.....I still had zumba to help me burn off some calories.   But the snow.....


Emotions?  Why you ask.  Well of course I still have 'Cancer Kitty"  Who I watch (with a nervous twitch) every day...wondering if today is the day that she will no longer be able to eat or swallow past the growth on her neck.


Now I also have "Parapalegic Kitty"   Yes, another cat has joined the hospice care for cats center that I am apparently running.  Ethel on Saturday began to have horrible difficulties walking. I rushed her to the vet and he was skeptical but gave her some shots and pills (potions and lotions....literally) and sent her home.  She has recovered enough to get herself to he liter and the food....but it's rough.   Worse, she now just lays and most of the time she has a vacant stare in her eyes that just breaks my heart.  I can no longer get her to purr and she used to 'talk to me' all the time.....she doesn't do that any more.  My cat is not well and I know it.


Mertz, thankfully right now is doing well......so I will add a picture of Mertz.



Meanwhile....I'm just trying to smile.......












Thursday, January 08, 2015

Progress

Water water water.   I am doing much better with the water consumption.  The morning water is fabulous and so fresh tasting.....once the 'city water' ice cubes start to melt into my water it becomes less appetizing to me as I can taste the chlorine.  Seriously, whoever thought that drinking water could be this complicated?    But it's working.....or rather starting to work.  I made it until Tuesday night before the caffeine headache invaded my life.  I caved.  I admit it, I totally caved and got a diet soda to guzzle down.  Hey, those headaches are the pits!   I also did order and drink diet soda with my dinner last night (girls night out)....hey, it's better than drinking alcohol right????      And it's SOOO much better than drinking ONLY diet pepsi each and every day.  Progress.

Food.   Well, it's not totally under control.  However, the good news is that it's not out of control either!   That's a good thing.  Even better?   I have dropped about 2 pounds (ha ha ha, lets be fair....it's probably water retention coming and going due to the natural fluctuations in my monthly cycle, but I'm taking it as a loss and that's that!)  Either way, not being spiraling out of control is a REALLY good step.  Progress.

Exercise......what is that?   I'm looking forward to zumba restarting for the year.  December 17th was the last class and it has seemed like a long stretch of no classes.  Classes are resuming January 12th.   I'm SOOO happy. I miss the camaraderie and yes, the exercise.  I feel sluggish without it. I did run some of the no zumba days. However, rain most of last weekend followed by snow on Tuesday which is now ice in spots makes me hesitant to go out running. That's the last thing I want to do is slip on ice and break my noggin.  (course I'm rather hard headed so my head would probably just bounce). 

So I'm just trying to tighten up the reins and loosen the pants (ha ha ha).   One step at a time.

 

Sunday, January 04, 2015

Issues with my new life

Eating is killing me.  Drinking my water is killing me.   I'm struggling with finding a routine and a plan that works for me.

Lets start with water.  I'm not drinking.  I fill up my water jug everyday.  I swear I do it.  But then on the way to work with only one or two sips out of my water jug I decide that I need to get a diet soda and I stop and pick up a large drink.  I have pondered this.  Why is this so difficult?   What is wrong with me?  I like water!  I really do!   I finally figured it out the other day when I filled up a glass of water to drink at dinner.  I took a big gulp of water and it was just NASTY!   I have been drinking sweet well water for so many years and to switch to highly chlorinated city water was a shock that was throwing me for a loop.  I had been putting real lemon juice into my water, but that flavors my water and I just don't like flavored water.  So all of a sudden the light bulb went off in my head.  I"m struggling to drink my water because it doesn't taste right!   So how to fix...........

My solution....I just went out and picked up a bunch of gallons of spring water.  I will be starting this plan tomorrow!

Eating.  My parents eat 'weird' and not healthy at all.  The other night we sat down to dinner I looked at the table and said to myself, "wow, I can eat some corn"   I found myself eating corn, crackers, cheese and rounding it out with a few spoonfuls of cake icing from the fridge.  Yup.  Not exactly healthy!   This is happening to me more times than I can count.  I'm not eating healthy.  I don't have foods for me to eat when the options are not there.

I have a few solutions.  The first thing I'm doing.  I stocked up on fruits and veggies and I plan on eating healthy for my lunches this upcoming week.  Focus on that this week.  To make sure I have food, I picked up some boxes of mac-n-cheese and some frozen pizzas.  Not exactly healthy, but healthier than crackers and cake icing.


I am going to do this!   I have to!  I want to be thin!!!!!  I want to be healthy!

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Wash, Rinse, DO NOT REPEAT!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

There have been a few times in the last few days that I've told myself that I need to sit down and think about 2014 and 2015 and create goals and a plan.

However, I've just struggled with the concept.  Lets just say I don't want to think about 2014.  I didn't lose the weight I had planned on losing.  It was a bummer of a year emotionally.   Yeah, lets not repeat this one anytime soon (EVER).   

So what are my goals for 2015.  Well.....It's pretty easy to write....my goal is just to have a better year than 2014.  That simple.  I want happiness and weight loss. (yes, I  would very much like to be at my goal weight by the end of the year)  That is not too much to ask right?

So how will I be doing it?

1. I will be tracking my food again on myfitnesspal.  Religiously!  I know that if I'm tracking that I will be eating correctly. That's the way it usually works for me.  :)

2.  Running   I will be running. I'm scheduled to run that 10k at the end of March.  But I will be looking at my schedule once the changes go into affect at work (and thus I know what weekend I will be working.)   Consistency is the key for my running this year.

3.  Water Water Water  I need to be drinking it!   :-)

4.  As for happiness...let time heal....let it happen...and for goodness sake....just stay busy!

Pretty simple.  I'm not making any elaborate equations, (two pounds a week times 52 weeks divided by 3 weeks of vacation and multipled by 7 holidays and then subtracting my age and taking it to the fourth power for the four sick days i'm allotting myself).  I'm just going to commit myself to doing what is RIGHT and healthy!