Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Slowly dwindling supply

I've had a few punches in my progress the last 12 hours or so......lets just call them whammys!

The first Whammy.....(and I apologize...number one may be a bit long). It's a whammy to my heart...but also a reminder to important lesson!

Sometimes we don't realize the impact that we have on others.  In a way it is mind boggling!  I was just reminded of this in a very real way within the last 24 hours....  Let me start at the beginning...about 30 years ago...junior high and high school.   I was friendly to all and counted most people in the school as 'friends....more acquaintance friends'.  I had some that I was a little closer with.....One of those was Jennifer.   We spent every lunch together sitting on a bench on the quad.   We rode the bus together.  We had multiple classes together.  She was quiet, smart and really sweet.   She had the deepest southern accent.  We got along great.  I moved away right around graduation...and we have not seen each other since then.  However we have faithfully kept in touch via Letters, Christmas cards (even during crazy college years when I almost no one got Christmas cards from me, I would go to hallmark and buy a special one for her) and once social media hit through Facebook and other such mediums. In recent years sadly it was only random 'likes' and comments on Facebook and the yearly Christmas card.  Last night when my cell phone rang with an unknown number I almost didn't answer it.  Telemarketer or some such none sense I was sure.   But the Dade City, Florida displayed on my phone made me curious...because well I lived in Brooksville which is right near there...and of course Jennifer lives in Dade City.   I answered it expecting to shortly thereafter hang up on a sales call. (Yes I need to get myself back on the do not call list...I must have fallen off that lost!).    The voice on the other end took me right back to the years I lived in Florida.  Deep southern accent was Missy...Jennifer's sister (incidentally missy was just a year or two older so I knew her too).   She was calling to tell me that Jennifer had passed away that morning.  I was in shock.  I talked to missy for a while and found out what happened (she had cancer and had requested that it be kept as private as possible and since I'm 20 hours or so away by car I never knew).    

So a whammy to lose my friend....but also a huge reminder to myself that my actions and behaviors really affect people!!!   Here is someone that was shy and quiet ...I extended my friendship to her and 26 years after the last time we saw each other in person....and after years of not really having real contact I am on the call list that she left to notify about her death.  (can we count the FB likes and the Christmas cards as real contact...I'm going to say no!). I don't even recall sharing my cellphone number with her!!!  I either forgot or they had to search to get my number!  It tells me that my friendship had a larger impact upon her life than I may have realized.

I feel guilty....I could have been such a better friend in recent years!  The Internet opens up the world that makes it easier to stay in touch.    When I was in Florida a few years back (2014) I had thought about flying down a day earlier and visiting Jennifer but logistically and financially it would have been difficult.   But I SHOULD have!!! 

  How simple an act of kindness...the extension of friendship really is...but very far reaching in the hearts and lives of those on the receiving end!!!  

Whammy two came while I was on the phone with Missy.  I asked what type of cancer.   Colo-rectal....already spread to the liver at the time of diagnosis.   My heart stopped.   That is exactly what my father is fighting!  I heard the story of Jennifer's fight and while it started with the same diagnosis it sounds like she gave up and stopped fighting.  I'm going to cling to that and to the power of prayer when it comes to my father!!! (Dad is currently receiving radiation in Baltimore...which they indicate will be the last step before surgery....he is concerned about his cat that is home alone....with me and my cats!!!!  I sent him this picture last night.....and yes, shadow is definitely missing his daddy!!!  Just like Ethel is really missing her granddaddy!!)
Dad seems to be handling the radiation with flying colors....just like he did the first rounds of chemo!  We continue to pray!!

Whammy three?  Just the normal monthly ick.

Whammy four????   I woke up with draining sinus ick causing a sore throat and a sinus pressure headache!

You know your day isn't going to go well when you make a stop at the pharmacy and your purchases look like this...

Yes I made a few more purchases while I was there...
In fairness the sweet tarts were buy one get one for 25 cents.  And they are kind of a memory from high school (that's when I used to get them) so it seemed fitting!!

Ohhh and while Jennifer's death is just reminding me to take care of myself to try to be as healthy as possible so that I CAN live far into the future in a healthy is just a day that I needed more...

I'm not falling off the rails...but for today I'm going to mourn the loss of my friend,  lament about my failure as a friend, worry about my dad, cough and sniffle through this sinus gunk, and just ride out the monthly ick and its corresponding emotions with a slowly dwindling pile of candy on my work desk!!!!

Monday, October 17, 2016

How time flies

So I haven't been here....and I haven't been eating super healthy.  Oh and I haven't been running!

I have hiked and walked!!!  Does that count for something???  

I think my problem now is that I don't want to go back to being that extremely strict girl that literally cried when I dropped my counted out chips..causing some to crumble.  Why did I cry?  I had already eaten some....I lost some to crumbs and I didn't know how many I had left to eat.  I don't want to be so anal that the mere thought of eating a French fry makes my blood curdle.  I don't want to stop living!  And in fact living that regimented while necessary at the time (it helped by teaching me valuable lessons in diet, my body and willpower) are not healthy emotionally for a long term existence!!!  

Yet I want to lose weight!   We once again saw an older couple out hiking together.   I want that to be me when I'm old and gray (ok older and grayer!!).   I don't want to have to use a walker or be in a wheelchair or worse.  I want to have the world by the horns and enjoy life until my dying day!!!!   Yes I can enjoy life as an overweight girl....but I also know that being overweight causes health problems and will eventually lead to debilitating illnesses and issues that will decrease my quality of life.  I don't want that.  I want to do anything and everything that I can to protect that future!!! 

So where does that leave me???   Not a weight loss nazi....but still losing weight? Seems reasonable to me.

First up?

Tracking...not so much to be so regimented...but to seriously and realistically know what I'm eating...and conversely what I'm burning through these walks, hikes and runs.  

Junk food....Chips....minimalize how many chips I eat!!!   Oh and red velvet whoopie pies...moderation.    I'm not saying I won't eat some French fries...or potato chips.   I just need to cut back.  Every other meal is not acceptable!  (Ok maybe it wasn't that bad...but I know I've eaten more chips in the last months than I have for years!!)

Focus on trying to get the fruits and veggies!!!  I have been woefully lacking!   Healthy food tastes so good too!!!   

So no big plan...just a slow shift to healthier eating.  And if it's a slow loss then that's ok too.   Healthy is what matters!!

I have been happy though!!!! Utterly happy!!!!

I love that picture...It just makes me smile!!!

So it's been a while.   Last weekend we spent some time in Manassas, VA.  It was fun and relaxing!  (And a bit windy)
We also finally made it to The Elephant Emporium.   This place was so odd that it amused me....Jason said it felt like a scene out of a 'b' horror movie!

Then this weekend we went to Dumfries, VA and spent some time there....also in Fredericksburg, VA and points in between.

We actually ate a bit healthier this weekend...

But not totally healthy...

But we saw the sites and got some walking in...5.3 miles on Saturday...and we finally got to see the 1780's cemetery in Fredericksburg (we've tried before but when it's cloudy they don't open it...go figure)

 We also went to Government Island...a park in Virginia....notable because it contains the remnants of an  old quarry that was instrumental in supplying certain stones for important buildings such as the White House and the Nations Capital. (And we got in about three miles of walking)
Here is a picture of us standing up on some of the stone looking over the quarry.

It was a short hike...but the scenery was nice!

(Yes the man is part of the scenery I was referring to!!)

And then on the way home we saw a spectacular sky!!!

(The pictures are unedited...the sky was that brilliant...and the pictures were taken about 5 minutes apart)

So onward we move as I try to adopt (re-adopt) a healthier lifestyle.   One that is healthy for all aspects!!!  Not just food but emotions!!

Wednesday, October 05, 2016

The past week

This past week was a week of a ton of food!!!  

This past week was a week of no running!

This past week I managed to basically hold on to my weight by the skin of my teeth.

Ok let's start with running!  A week and a half ago I wrote a post that laid out a detailed plan to actually reach my monthly goal of 40 miles.  Uhhhh yeah....that didn't happen!   I didn't run even once!!!  It was rainy some days.   I spent four days away.  My shoes were giving me blisters.   Yeah.  It just didn't happen.  So we shall see for this month. I bought new shoes yesterday (same shoes ...but through a whole lot cheaper than the store...and no shipping cuz I'm a prime member!).  That should help matters!!!   Maybe I can sneak in 40 for October!!!

Yes we were away for four days.  We went up to New Jersey.   We spent time in Atlantic City


and Cape May

Yes we climbed the Cape May Lighthouse.  We also climbed the Absecon Lighthouse...

We hit up Ripleys Believe it or not... And walked the Boardwalk down to Ventnor Coty and beyond.  (And the Boardwalk in wildwood)

And of course we walked many miles hand in hand on the beach!

All told we walked about thirty miles in 4 days....

So the walking, lighthouse climbing and time walking in unsteady sand on the beach kinda negated the food....

Why yes..that huge bucket of fries was lunch one day.   I didn't stop to take a picture of the delicious deep fried Reece's cups we found on the Boardwalk either!!   Or the delicious pizza....subs...barbecue...caramel popcorn...taffy. and other goodness!!

So it was with fear that I stepped onto the scales today.   But I was only up by about 6/10ths of a pound!    I am so happy with that!!

Back to the grind and back to watching and being healthy!  It's time!!!

Wednesday, September 28, 2016


Somehow I held on and had loss this week. 227.0 pounds.   I know it is a combination of the ick moving onward and the fact that I ate really lightly last night.    

Yes I know for some odd reason my emotions were on edge last night.  Let's just say that falling in love and risking my heart again has been an emotional roller coaster....i am ecstatically happy but I have days where I fear him walking away and breaking my heart....I guess that's natural!  Luckily they are now few and far between...but when they come they ache!!! 

Here is the thing.    Yesterday for lunch I had a packet of belvita breakfast bars (I've been eating them for lunch) and an orange...and dinner a pb&j.   I should have been hungry....but I actually was just fine without more food.   Thank heavens for emotions and a cat weighing me down and keeping me in my chair!!!   Makes me wonder how much food we eat that we really honestly have absolutely no need for!!!

It's hard to not eat food when it's there and available....and when we are bored...stressed...or any array of emotions!  Last night my lethargy caused by emotions and my old cat Ethel in my lap disallowing me to get up without a grumpy cat in my hands helped me make this realization.   But that was one night   I wish I knew how to easily stop and get it under control....because I can say that while I had my epiphany about the pb&j being enough To really satisfy me, I know that when push comes to shove if I sit back tonight and am confronted with will probably have a different end result.  

Tuesday, September 06, 2016

Sweet Spot

Is it any shock to say that I am NOT enjoying this journey right now??   I am in a sweet spot with my weight that's a good thing.   What do I mean about a sweet spot?   Basically I am easily able to maintain my weight.   When I just throw up my hands in defeat...or when I buckle weight stays within a one to two pound range.  

So I haven't written in a here is the update....

I actually kept my eating somewhat under didn't walk quite as much...but I did run and get some walking in!

Jason and I spent that weekend (the last weekend in August) roaming around old graveyards, churches and museums.

My weight held steady.

I am proud to announce though that my 40 miles in August was completed!!!!!   Not much wiggle room but it was done!!! I ran 40.48 miles!!!    So I am aiming for 40 miles again in September!  40 was a stretch for me with my pace, work schedule and life responsibilities.  If/when it starts to become easy to get that number is the time to up it!!!

This past tracking had NOT happened!!!  Have I eaten within my budget?   Who knows?   I don't think it was crazy outside of what I normally eat....notice I said 'think'.   But I know it was more than normal!!

I have thought about it....and I know what I want and where I want to be.   And I know what I have to do to get there!!!  I just need to do it!!!!   


1.  Start using the gym that I pay for on a monthly basis. (In addition to my running)   Maybe try to hit a class or two here and there.  

2. Use the stair stepper leg thingy that I have at home....even if it is just 15 minutes a day!!

3. Upper body.....I am weak!!!   I need to fix that

4.  Resume tracking immediately!

5. Run run run....

Yes, I have noticed that most of my plans center around exercise.   And yes, I know that weight is lost in the kitchen and not the gym.  But I also know that when I'm exercising ...I may be hungrier but typically I tend to eat healthier!  Go figure!!

So this weekend Jason and went away.  The weather was gorgeous...perfect hiking weather!   However, we were feeling lazy and just wanted a low key weekend!!!  (Plus we hate crowds and I imagine the trails were wall to wall people!!). So we roamed through little towns...did some antiquing.....hit up old restaurants....watched tv.....talked and laughed together.  It was low key....and just what we both probably needed!!

I still think the straw hat should have been a purchase!!!

So back to the grind today!!   Work. Food.  Exercise!!!  

Wednesday, August 24, 2016


I drew that line in the sand last week and said it was time to clean up my eating.  I did fairly well on Wednesday night.  (My breakfast and lunch had already done me in calorie wise but the evening I did pretty good).   Thursday night I fell apart.  Sheetz.....pepperoni pretzel melt and of course I couldn't keep it at just that.  I also ordered a fried appetizer sampler.   Tater tots, fried cheese and fried macaroni and cheese bites.   And I grabbed a package of Reeces Cups.  (At least it was the small package and not the king size!).    On Friday I would like to say that it got better....but uhhh no.  I had some cheese puffs and while it was a smaller bag....that bag was still 3 servings, and I ate them ALL!   Saturday I didn't do well either......hey, we stopped at a local fair and had fair food for lunch!
On sunday I started to turn it around though!    And while I'm not being 'perfect' in my eating. I am doing really well!  (Perfection only sets one up for failure, so I'm just aiming for 'good')

I have been active!  Lots of walking...and even some hiking!

My running.....well my work schedule kept me from running on Monday and Tuesday this I am just starting to work on my weekly miles.  Not a biggie.  I ran this morning and managed 2.42 (not bad after a long mountainous hike yesterday).   That leaves me with 6.8 miles to run by the end of the month to meet my 40 mile goal.  Piece of cake!   

And I showed a nice loss!   Last week my weight was up and I wasn't expecting it...I think a lot was water weight and just what I had eaten the night before.  This morning I woke up thirsty and feared my weigh in results.  But I was down....

So on Sunday I had an epiphany.   I'm not going to go into it too deeply here. But I saw a commercial for a car.   I started to think about how my car is 12 years old and nearing 200,000 miles.  I am very blessed that it runs smoothly and well. (It's a litttle loud right now but that will be fixed when I get new tires and replace the control arm.....I'm just holding off on the tires to suck as much life out of them as possible...before winter for sure!)   It saddened me to realize that while I work full time, I struggle to get by...and I'm not really getting by.  I can't afford a new car (or a used one).  I can't afford an apartment on my own (Thank you mom and dad for the roof over my head!).   It's a struggle.     Once I went to that place in my head, I started to really delve into how my 'career' ended up here.  From teaching and what went wrong there (Yeah, I always get a little melancholy at the beginning of the school year) to various jobs that had I known what I know now I would have made my career instead of a 'job'.  To my dead end job that I currently have.   It wasn't pretty.  
At the same time, I started to think about other aspects of my life  such as marriage.  Pride that I got out of a bad situation.  My relationship wtih Jason.  Happiness and joy to experience what I am experiencing with him.   
I thought about all the dreams and hopes that I had for my future.....some of them gone forever...some of them being revived.  (Thank you Jason).
And of course my coursing and weaving through these revelations and feelings were thoughts about my weight.   How I wished I had tried to lose the weight when I was 18 so that college would have been a different experience.   How I wish I would have tired to lose weight at 25 so that such and such would have been different.   And maybe losing at 30 so that I could have had kids. (Yes, sad to have that dream die but in reality a blessing when the marriage ended).  So much time wasted....and I know that life would have been different had I lost the weight.  Maybe not because the world would have treated me differently (Although I fully believe that some opportunities did pass me by because of my weight)  but more or less because my confidence has many times been tied to my weight...the higher the weight, the lower the confidence.  
I vowed to turn my life into a different direction.  The job thing is a priority......I am waiting for one or two things to be settled before I really delve into looking. (My father will most likely be having surgery for his cancer ...and that will take place in Baltimore, an hour I will want and need to use some sick time to be there for that and to help get my mother back and forth while he is in the hospital down there.....kinda of hard to do at a new job).  The other thing?   This weight.   I'm tired of it.  I want the confident and vibrant woman that I became when I was thinner back!  I want to live!  I want to be healthy!  I want want want!
So my decisions made, I carried on with the day.   I don't know if Jason sensed my unrest or my thoughts or what but he started a long conversation about my weight and the war I have waged upon it.  (Maybe I actually mumbled my thoughts out loud instead of in my head! ha ha ha ha).  He was just curious about my highest and how I felt when I was higher and how I felt when I was thinner.  Then he laid it out there.   He personally had decided that it is time for him to clean up his eating.  He told me that he knows how much healthier he feels when he is eating correctly.  He said "I'm not expecting you to eat the same way"  but I just feel that this is something I personally need to do.   
Wow....what perfect timing!   I'm not saying that I couldn't do it without him but if he is eating healthier I know that I will tend to eat healthier.   And if he doesn't make the changes in his life?  No biggie.  I've got this!

Wednesday, August 17, 2016


Today I stepped on the scales for my weekly weigh in.   I saw the number on the scales and I immediately stepped off. I stood in front of the mirror and I actually said to myself.  'I don't know what to do anymore'.  You see....I was up.   Two to three pounds up!  And in that short moment I felt helpless and the situation seemed hopeless!  Almost immediately I grabbed hold of myself...because let's be honest, I know what do do!

I didn't let the numbers on the scale deter me.... I put on my exercise clothes and headed out.   I had run on Monday. 3.85 miles...I needed to knock out at least 3 to keep myself on track with weekly miles so that I can reach my August target of 40 miles.   (Jason is already saying that next month I need to push it to 45 miles....we shall see!!).  Out I went this morning.   And I am happy to say that I achieved 4.25 miles.    I only have 1.9 miles left this week to reach my target!  Go me!!!

So here is my stats for the last week...

I thought quite a bit while I was running.  Lots of deep thoughts!

First and foremost I thought about my weight and my efforts. 

  So my first self revelation was the thought/remembrance that I have NEVER been able to eat my earned exercise calories and lose weight well.   It's a sad but true fact.  If you look at recent weeks...I eat those exercise calories and I haven't been losing.  Plain and simple. Cut the calories that I eat and I should start losing.   This one scares me because on running and big hike days (and sometimes the day afterward) I am hungry!  But I'm going to work on it.

 Secondly....Being brutally honest....chips have crept into my diet.  I've even had French fries on a few occasions. (more than I should and let's leave it at that).  I eat way too much macaroni and cheese.....way too many carbohydrates.   I have been working to up the fruits and veggies consumption but the bad stuff is there.    It's time to clean it up.   

Last nights walk saw 5 swans gliding over the water together.   The city park swans usually only travel solo or in pairs.