Thursday, August 28, 2014

hocus-pocus make me a runner

I have long ago realized that this weight loss journey is truly one that encompasses all aspects of my life.  I lost all the weight before did it with a single minded focus on just fixing the weight.  I didn't look at what made me overweight in the first place.  I didn't focus on fixing the triggers that prompted me to turn to food.  I didn't look at my life as a whole.  I only focused on the food.

Now, I totally realize that I can never take all of the triggers that prompt me to turn to food away.  I like food.  I am admittedly a picky eater but I still love the tastes and textures of different foods.  I know that realistically for me to deny myself certain foods is not an option.  It’s not a plan that is sustainable.  I am looking for a plan that is valid for longevity.  

I’m not really doing all that great with my eating.  I’m doing better with indiscriminate eating.  My eating is still contained to mealtimes. That’s good, but not good enough.

Today luckily was the first day since Sunday that I rolled out of bed and didn't feel pain in my back.  I didn't realize it until I was in the shower this morning that I had experienced no pain.   I've been pretty much pain free all day today.  YAY.  That means that I’ll be ready to kick exercise back into gear!!!! 

And I will be kicking exercise into high gear VERY soon.  Earlier this year (way back in January or February actually) I sat down and looked at possible runs. I had been toying with running a half marathon this year.  I did back down to saying I was going to be realistic and make my goal a 10k for this year.  Well, I've been so lax about everything that I ran the Donut Alley Rally with little prep. I ran it on heart and soul.   I swore I was going to start running regularly but it just never happened.  I kind of ignored the fact that I had this 10k goal in my mind.  I admittedly looked at the calendar and thought about the fact that the 10K I had chosen (For wounded warriors again…same as Donut Alley Rally) was fast approaching.  I just figured ‘out of sight, out of mind’.   That worked until today when my good friend Paula posted on facebook that she’s going to run a 10k.  Yeah, I’m a glutton for punishment and promptly liked it and asked which one and with whom.  Her response was “the one you said you were doing and with you of course.”    So I’m going to be registering for a 10K in the next day or two.   I have 38 days to prepare myself.  HA  Paula and I are just crazy enough to pull this off!

I WILL drop this weight!!!

I've been talking a bit about my thoughts.  I've mentioned that my job pays peanuts (ok, maybe not even that much).  I've mentioned that I’m bored there (but spoiled with the lack of work that I actually do).   I've mentioned that I've been thinking about and pushing toward some of my thoughts and possible goals.   I've been having some major doubts about what I’m doing the last few days.  I talked to Todd and another friend and they both said the same thing.  “If you enjoy what you are doing, do it……and if something comes out of it great.  If nothing happens then be satisfied with the enjoyment that you received in the process.”

So I've beaten around the bush at what I’m actually working on.  So here it is.  I like to write.  I always have.  I've kept a journal religiously since I was about 12 and I've kept my journal AND this blog going for the last 7 years.  I've written and kept my memoirs updated since shortly after college.  What are my memoirs?  My memoirs are  written out account of events and happenings in my life.  They have been a source of joy to write and as I go back and read stuff that I wrote 20 years ago I just laugh and laugh as the memories wash over me.    Over the years I have also written various fiction pieces.  I have file folders full of writing. 

  As a young kid I used to always create plot lines in my head.  It’s how I put myself to sleep.  I created these plots and I planned out stories in my head, in detail.  My stories were in VIVID detail.  I thought everyone did this.  (in fact I still find it odd to believe that it’s not the norm…go figure) .  I would get stuck on one story for a few weeks or a month and then when that plot line had played itself out, I would move on to the next story line.  As I got older, these plots got stuck in my head and replayed over and over at warp speed.  Relief came when I put these stories down on paper.  It was only temporary relief because these plots just crowd my mind and multiply at a rapid pace.  I like to write.    In my journals from my teenage years I mentioned once or twice that I was toying with journalism or something that would utilize that love.  I obviously didn't and I've actually wondered if maybe that wasn't my life calling (versus teaching).    But that’s water under the bridge.

I have a few things in the works. 

*I have a children’s book that is written and I finally have it in the hands of someone that I hope will illustrate it for me.   It’s a book that combines history and whimsy.

* I actually have a series of just articles about weight loss and lessons that I have learned along the way.  I started them for me and I've pondered putting them together into a book form someday.

* I have had an idea for a story in my head for YEARS.  I have actually started to work on it.  It is based upon certain beliefs that our society puts forth…ideas that are WRONG.  I want to write a book that sets things right.  Let me start at the beginning.  I have picked up various books about overweight girls over the years.  Let’s face it, they intrigue me.  I can identify plain and simple.  I read them, and for the most part, they are a really decent read.  My problem is that these books have the same general plot line.  Fat girl lives a miserable existence.  Her life is royally messed up and sad.  She works to lose weight. (That part is awesome because it’s giving hope!)   When she loses her weight she lands the perfect job.  She finds the perfect man. She has the perfect family.  Life just turns perfect.  Her self worth is validated by sudden perfect existence.   As I read I say “YAY main character that is awesome.”  But inside I am seething. We are placing value on life as a thin person.  That character had value as a fat person too, but she never learns that of course.  We are placing the balance of everything on the fact that this girl has lost weight. (for the most part, I know that there are people and probably books out there that don't foster this attitude)   This is wrong.  The girl (or guy…I don’t mean to leave guys out…it just so happens that my main character is a girl…haha) is perfect as a person before hand and just needs to find their self worth as a PERSON instead of looking to find it in the number on a scale.   I want to push the concept that thin is just simply a number on the scale and a number that is printed on a tag sewn into clothes.   So the whole premise of my book is that success in life, love and happiness come from within and has NOTHING to do with weight.  Pretty deep stuff eh?  

So there you have it.  I’m still toying with some of the other ideas for crafty things.  But right now my focus is on writing.  And my word…if you like to edit let me know…I hate that process, (as evidenced from my posts that often times are unedited and just put up to get the thoughts and ideas out of my head!) I may be looking for someone that will edit it for content and grammar at some point!   Remember, I’m poor and can’t pay!


Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Choppers, food and more of the same

My day......what can I even say?

Lets start with eating.  No, lets save that for later or rather maybe intersperse it through my post.  

Today I only worked until noon.  Todd and I had dental appointments today at 1.  So I got off work, hit home at about 12:15 and headed directly to the dentists office.  Have I mentioned that the dentists office isn't my favorite place.  Ok, it's not that bad.  My dentist office is pretty darn good and the employees are great.  I end up gagging during the x-rays.  Go figure.  Who knows.  I think I just over think it.  I'm not sure, because I wouldn't say that I have this over active gag reflex.   That is the major dread about the appointment.  So once that was over I settled into the chair and relaxed.  I'm happy to say that the dentist, amidst his jokes and laughter reassured me that my teeth were indeed still securely attached to my head and that they were not in danger of falling out.  Ha ha ha.  Ok, he actually told me that my teeth were looking good and that I was cavity free.

We were hungry when we left the dentist, so we hit up our post dentist restaurant.  Yeah, I know...clean teeth, what a shame to dirty them up.  But hey, we hadn't eaten lunch yet so why not!   We usually eat at The Green Turtle twice a year......why yes we get our teeth cleaned twice a year.  We splurged and got some wings.  We haven't had their wings, so we ended up not getting the hottest ones because wings are so subjective.  one persons hot is another persons weak.  Yeah, we could have pumped it up to the highest level.  Live and learn.  I also got the Raspberry Turkey Flatbread sandwich.  Pretty good.  Not as good as they used to be...don't know what they changed, but they changed something.

After lunch we ran some errands.  A few things for the pond project (never ending....or so it seems), cat food and some things at Sam's club.  We stopped for gas on the way home and then the fun started here.  Laundry and some light cleaning and light house chores.  Weee

I decided to not go to zumba tonight.  On Sunday I had been moving stones for the pond project and tweaked my back.  GRRRRRRR   Yes this back issue is not new.  I've had this problem more than once before.  so I'm just taking it easy.     Exercise has GOT to get back on track.....but right now I have to make sure that I'm healthy!!!!!
I had picked up a take and bake pizza from Sam's club, so dinner was an easy fix.  Now I'm thinking of hitting up the hot tub and then coming in to just relax the rest of the night.

So my eating.  Not of the rails...simple/normal meals.  But not exactly full of healthy items.  I'm going to consider that a victory.  I've not snacked between meals in a few days.  That is a major accomplishment!  That's the first step!

So the headache thing? I've been pounding the water and the headache does seem to have eased up. So I'm hoping that's it.  

So how does one go about finding the direction in life.  I am doing things I enjoy but I can't help but wonder what I should be doing. I can't help but wonder that I'm focusing on things that will only waste my time.  I know that something in my life needs to change.  My job is a job...and for that I'm thankful.  But my pay is barely minimal and my job bores me to death.  So minimal that if I didn't have a husband and his income, I wouldn't be able to afford to live...and we have no mortgage or rent.......and I still couldn't live on what I make.  I find this unacceptable.  This is NOT what I envisioned for myself years ago when I was in college.   

I have some ideas for my future, but I wonder if they are a long shot.  Is it worth my time?   But i'm going to stop myself and say that it's my fears of failure that keep me from it!   So onward I work.  

So on the same note, the other day I met a lady that has her own business doing craft things.  I was at her booth and saw her variety and I told her that I sensed a kindred spirit. She seemed to dabble in a lot of different crafts.  I told her that and she promptly looked at me and matter of factly asked me where my booth was. She flat out told me that she had worked in a bank (ha) and was miserable and bored and decided to branch out and do what she wanted and she was living her dream and making it work.  (I suspect hefty alimony and/or child support from her ex husband since she mentioned a divorce and a passel of children).    It made me think.  Should I be pursuing the things that I enjoy doing?  Should I be putting my time into some of these crafts that I like?   Food for thought.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

I've got soul.....or do I?

OK, I have faced up to my weight.  It's not pretty.  Ok, so it's not that it's ugly.  But I've been sitting in a holding pattern for the last umpteen months.  When I say holding pattern I mean that I've been staying within the same 5 pound radius for the last SOOOOO many months.

I should be happy with that.  I mean seriously, I've pretty much maintained my weight for the last 6 months (more?).  But dammit, I don't want to maintain!

 I can admit that I've not been totally on board with losing.  Ohh, I want it, but wanting it isn't enough.  Getting it involves making the choices necessary to GET it.    So I can admit that.  

So how do I shake myself loose?  I have tried a monetary challenge with Sherry.  Heck, we totally messed up the first challenge so we reset it and started it again.  Uhhhhh  I'm about two weeks in and i'm up further.  (still within the 5 pound range thank heavens..but up!)  So obviously the challenge thing an the threat of paying out money didn't work.  Just saying 'do it'  didn't work either.  

I did manage today to not be tempted by the snacks that pervade my work!   When I first started this job I was totally rigid and didn't snack on anything at work.  And let me tell you, if I think we have a lot of food now, it used to be 75% worse!  I just didn't do it.  It was a taboo thing and I didn't do it.  I need to get back to that!  (and yes, I still had my treats and such, I just did it carefully and with control).

Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life.  Yes, I'm 41 years old and feel as if I have yet to figure out what to do when I grow up.  I thought I knew years ago......I was wrong (or rather it just didn't work out).  So I'm soul searching....and not getting anywhere...maybe I'm just soul-less!

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Duh!

I had an aha moment this morning.....but first let me backtrack to the last few weeks.

I've been struggling with two different issues.

The first one is quite worrisome.  I've had some  headaches.  My normal 'yearly migraine' wasn't too surprising?   But the headaches have lingered around.  Is it sinus pressure?  Just a kickback from the migraine a few weeks ago?  What could it be????     I know that there has been one or two moments where I've wondered if my blood pressure isn't spiking. (which it has been known to do...and no,I'm NOT on medication for blood pressure).  I haven't really thought too much about it...but on occasion it does make me wonder.

The second issue is weird leg cramps.  They aren't all that bad, just random cramps.  NOt really worrisome, but just odd.  It's not normal for me.

I've also been really tired and just not energetic........but that's not really even concerning to me.

So I was having a random conversation this morning with a friend.  The friend mentioned a rough night of sleep, and cited leg cramps due to dehydration.   Immediately it all became clear.  I think I may have literally slapped my forehead with my palm!

Dehydration!

I have been drinking....not much!   And when I have been drinking it's diet soda.  DUH!  I'm dehydrated!!!    That got me thinking about the headaches...could they be caused by the serious lack of water????

So water water water......that's my first goal!

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Defining Moment

There are certain aspects about us that define who we are.  I'm a natural goofball.  It's just who I am.  That defines me.  MaryFran is a goofball.    I'm a loyal friend.   Sometimes that's to my detriment as I get taken advantage of.  But that defines me.   So much in our lives define us.  But it hit me today while talking to a friend that there is one thing that should never define me.  I should NEVER be defined by my weight. 

And I better include a goofball pic!!!  I had to trick my oldest nephew into getting in the picture and while my tongue is out being a goofball I'm not quite sure why my youngest nephew is licking my head!



Oh yes, my weight affects who I am.  It can't help but affect who I am.  However, my weight should NEVER define me.   Fat or thin I am me....and you know what......for better or worse, I like me.

If I never lose another pound, I like me.  I would like to lose weight and I am sure I will continue to obsess over it, but you know what.  If it doesn't happen it's not the end of the world.  It wouldn't change who I am, it would simply only change what size clothes I wear.  (and seriously, I don't have many clothes at this size and I'm TIRED of the clothes that I have....I need to lose or buy more clothes asap!)

All that said, I am more motivated than ever to lose the weight.  Not because I NEED to. .....because I want to!

We went to Lancaster yesterday.  I hit up the Green Dragon (farmers market) and as we walked through I scanned the produce stands and on the way back to the car I gathered up produce at some great prices. I spent something like 12 bucks and in my kitchen I have spinach, bib lettuce, grapes, two cucumbers, , some carrots, pineapple, two cantaloupe, 5 kiwi, 8 pears, and a dozen ears of corn.  I have NO EXCUSE to not eat healthy this upcoming week!

And a picture if me in a school house attraction that had been closed for years but is now reopened as the new owner tries to save the historic building.

Lovely wax figure....


The mantra "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"  is a good one...I'm changing it though..


Nothing tastes as good as.................    and I'm filling in the blank with my own dreams and hopes that I have for a thinner life.  (and I've learned my lesson....my hopes and dreams for a thinner life are NOT based on 'my life will be fixed and there will be no more sorrow' when I'm thin.  They are VALID goals this time around!!)

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Sunday, August 17, 2014

That's my Story and I'm sticking to it!

I too much food this weekend.  I was in Virginia for the weekend with a friend.  Yeah, I just kind of cut loose and ate what I wanted.  Not exactly what I should have been doing.  But hey, I don't get to spend a weekend with my friend to often, so that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I had grand plans to exercise this weekend.  I had exercise clothes.  I had the opportunity!   I was SOOOO going to do it.  I however spent my 'down time' writing and working on some personal projects.  On Sunday morning when I woke up, it was super foggy. Way too foggy for a good run through unfamiliar territory.   Yep, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

I won't know what my weight will be tomorrow morning.   I fear the effects of my weekend of food debauchery.  The monthly ick is around the corner, so the weight should be popping with that....regardless of the food that I ate and the exercise that I didn't do.   So yes, I do believe that any weight gain will be due to the monthly ick.  Yes, that's my story and i'm sticking to it!!!!!

Ok, all joking aside.  I know that I am responsible. I can blame it on the fog and the ick and the excitement of my fun weekend, but it is an untruth.   I totally made my choices.  Me and all me.

I was in my car today.  I had grand ideas of what I wanted to write about. But now that it's time to write I just don't know......so I'll just briefly touch on some of them.

 I thought about writing how we all hide secrets deep inside.  We put on shows for other people.  We hide behind laughter.  We hide behind jokes.  But inside who are we.....really?   I think this thought process has been in my mind since I heard the news about Robin Williams.  Yes, he was open about his depression...but it is totally at odds with the face that he put on for the world to see.  How many people are hiding behind the jokes.  I know I have always found it easier to laugh at myself to hide my insecurities.  Just makes me think and really wonder what is going on in the head of those around me.

I also spent some time thinking about my journals that I have stacked up from years gone by.  For years I struggled with accepting who I was.  I don't mean weight wise.  I don't mean simply accepting the physical side of things.  Those things are important for this journey, but I mean who we are emotionally and mentally.     I struggled with certain aspects of my personal psyche.  I felt totally at odds about certain things....and yes, some intensely personal things.  In recent years I've looked deeply and said "Hey, this is me"  I've accepted versus fight.    I think part of this journey that I'm on is accept exactly who I am...the good, the bad and the ugly.  And lets be honest....who is to say that anything really is 'good, bad, and ugly'.  What is ugly to some may be good to another.  The important thing is to accept ourselves and live in such a way that is harmonious with who we really are.  (well.....and legal...ha ha ha).

So that said, I will be exercising tomorrow.  I will be eating right tomorrow.  (Although I haven't yet really decided what I'm eating at all....but it will be healthy!!)