Sunday, December 16, 2007

My weight was down to 183.4 this morning. I have tried to be careful what I've eaten today. I did exercise this morning. However, just a bit ago, I saw a chocolate chovered marshmallow santa that I was given on Friday at our party...and I ate it! I thought about it...and almost went to the kitchen to chuck it into the garbage before even opening it. But then I opened it...smelled it and promised myself one little bite. Yeah right...the whole thing went down the hatch! What's wrong with me?????

My manager at work is a tiny little thing. She has utterly no concept of what I'm going through to get my weight under control. She was so tickled to see me eating bad stuff. In a way it is funny....but Janet put it the best way. Janet made this comment to me, she said, "We should all be ashamed, because we encouraged you to do something that we knew was something that was utterly wrong for you". I honestly think that my manager honestly doesn't get it.....she eats junk food like it's going out of style and doesn't gain a pound! And it just hit me...all except for the other part timer...the others either struggle or have struggled with weight them, watching me take a fall made them feel better about themselves....because they eat poorly every day. Someone even made the comment on the party day about my eating that "You are human". Just becuase I chose to eat healthy...I'm not human???? Like I said, only one person really truly seemed to understand. And that was only after the fact. ( it's also my favorite co-worker). I"m not saying that these people made me eat. I'm the only one that can make me eat. However, they encouraged and egged me on. Is it because for me to succeed makes them feel more of a failure?

The day was one big ball of reminders of how miserable I was as a 'big' girl. I felt yucky physically, emotionally, mentally...the whole nine yards. When I was big, I had a problem with my stomach hanging over my pants and rubbing on the button. It caused a sore....and often I had to wear a big band-aid over my stomach to keep this from happening.....and once it did happen to keep it from a) bleeding everywhere and b.) from hurting from the continual rubbing. This was so husband made light of it and it didn't bother him...but I was so ashamed, I didn't tell many people. Even writing it now hurts and causes tears. Well.....thankfully this 'phenomenon' disappeared as I lost weight....probably about 50 pounds ago or so. Well, I was wearing a pair of pants that fitted nicely on Friday...and whadya know...I came home and when I was taking off my pants realized that I had developed one of these sores! Now come on......I didn't gain that much weight? But...I can't deny it....I have the sore to prove it. So one more 'reminder' of how my current lifestyle and my previous lifestyle have really changed!

You know, one of the major things that I marvel about. When I was big...I invested in 'bath sheets' These are humongous double or triple the size of a regular bath towel. Almost every day when I shower I stand in awe when I realize that I can wrap a 'normal' bath towel around myself. You my highest, even the bath sheets didn't fit around me. Yes, I still love to use the bath sheets.....but they wrap almost double around me!

I need to focus on my goals! I know that staying focused after falling off the wagon is so difficult for a week or so......I've got to double up my efforts to help me get past that difficult period! And somehow do it during the Christmas holiday! I'll be needing to do a heap of praying!!!!

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