Friday, October 03, 2008

pumpkin cookies


pumpkin cookies, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Why oh why did I make pumpkin cookies today. I woke up and hopped onto the scales. I was a few ounces up but I wasn't concerned....(I woke up thirsty, a sign that I was somewhat dehydrated). I decided to make the cookies. After all, I would have leftover pumpkin after making the pumpkin pancakes for breakfast. I was going to remain strong though. I thought about how proud I would be when I was able to stand back and say, "I managed that well!" I didn't try any of the cookie dough, which is a HUGE victory in itself. I didn't eat any of the cookies when they were warm and hot from the oven. HOWEVER, when I iced the cookies the trouble began. I hadn't made these cookies in about 3 year...maybe 4. So I just wanted to try one. That was actually my plan. I was going to have one cookie this evening. I caved and had my 'one' cookie this morning. BAD BAD BAD. Because I had seven and a half other cookies staring me flat in the eye! I don't know how many I ate. I know it wasn't pretty. I know my stomach hurts. I know physically I'm miserable! I'm also mad at myself.

Self sabotaging.......my weight just started to drop and here I do this to myself. Is this self sabotaging? Or is it simply the fact that once I start with something bad I just lose control.....trying to keep the euphoric feeling that I get when I eat something . I do believe that it wasn't a self sabotage (I had to throw that into the thought process though). I really think it was the food addiction. I caved, I had my first taste and just like someone who has that first hit of a drug or that first swig of alcohol I just couldn't stop!

I've said over and over and over again, that if I can just STAY AWAY from the bad stuff I'm OK. It's when I start.....arrgghhh I just can't stop!

Now I'm not trying to downplay the terribleness of a drug or alcohol addiction. It is terrible. No ifs ands or buts about it. However, sometimes I think that to be addicted to something like that and to kick that kind of habit would be so much easier. You see; in those cases,you can remove yourself from situations where you are confronted by your vice. Me, I'm addicted to food. I have to learn to confront my addiction day in and day out. I can not remove myself from my vice. I need food to live. I need food to sustain my body and my mind. There is NO WAY that I can live without it. I have to confront and conquer this addiction literally hundreds of times in the course of a day, a week, a month. And not only do I have to confront it...I have to partake of the very thing that I'm addicted to.

Meanwhile, I'm hoping to squeeze in another workout tonight, to try to compensate for those umpteen cookies that I ate. I really just didn't feel like lunch.....but I did bring along a Clementine and apple for a HEALTHY snack (so I'm not tempted to break into more of those cookies......I brought some to my co-workers). I am on my own for dinner tonight (Todd will be in town doing stuff for this benefit...he's actually eating dinner with mom and dad) so I'll be able to have zero or low points foods for dinner...veggie city here I come!

Tomorrow should be pretty easy for me to stay focused and on plan. I'll be eating my meals on my own...so mostly fruits and veggies for me. Plus, I'll exercise first thing in the morning......and I'm planning on mowing mom and dad's properties (that is 45 minutes with a push mower). So all is not lost. And if I gained a pound or so....it will come off!