Saturday, January 24, 2009

self loathing

Well, I'm torn between laughter and utter despair. I just can't seem to get it together. I do think that last night was a bit of stress eating. I'm stressed about some things right now. (One of the major issues....we are having a problem with water at the studio....as in it's not working. Uhhh this is NOT good.) But then I also had the issue of I had the idea of some foods in my head, and I just didn't relax until I had eaten those foods!

Let me explain. On the way home from work last night I was running through in my head what I could eat for dinner. I thought of a few things..they all sounded soooo good. But I eventually chose one! (but still lusted after the unpicked options). I ate, and settled down for the evening. My husband called from the studio and we talked a bit about the water issue. I ate a WW chocolate chip cookie. (1 point) He called again. I ate three wedges of laughing cow cheese and some low fat wheat thins. (5 points) He called again and we decided to run to town to grab a part that we thought would fix the problem. While I was waiting for him to pick me up I had two bowls of cold cereal. Notice I didn't say I had one serving...or two servings. I had two BOWLS of cereal! (who knows how many points!) Now here is the part of the issue....these foods were all on the list of options for me to eat for dinner that I had discarded when I made my choice. But they weren't really discarded from my head! Plus I do believe some of it was stress.

So after I ate, I sat in the car filled with self loathing and disgust because I KNOW better! Later I actually started laughing (for a hot second) because for a binge, at least I didn't go straight for the donuts, or the regular cookies, or ice cream. I still ate somewhat healthy.

8 comments:

spunkysuzi said...

That's exactly right, you did choose somewhat healthy, whereas before you would have gone to town on anything :) It's these small actions that will add up in the end!

Deborah said...

If you're gonna binge, binging on healthy stuff is soooo much better than all those things you used to binge on in your other life. Sometimes we can't help it when stress rules our lives.

But...today is a new start. You know what you did yesterday that disgusted you so don't do it today! You are such an inspiration to me on all that you have accomplished. You CAN do this, and get back on track.

Donna B said...

It aggravates me as well when I binge even on healthy foods, but I noticed I have different feelings than when I use to binge on sweets and white carbs. I don't feel the sugar high, and the "fullness" tends to go away alot quicker. Stress is a heard thing to deal with, but it sounds like you are still making good decisions. You could have eaten that half gallon of ice cream!

Losing Waist! said...

That was refreshing to see another cereal fan... what is it about cereal? I can get the most bran loaded, tasteless stuff and still want to put it down!

Your pictures are so remarkable! It is nice to hear about the reality of struggles even after losing! Thanks for the encouragement!

Sabs said...

Binging on healthy food is definitely a step in the right direction! Why did you binge though? Boredom?

JC said...

Well, what can I say. I feel your pain. Really I do. The last time I binged it was on rice krispies, ff milk and dried cherries. It is a fact of life that stuff happens. When we automatically go to food it is sooo hard not to. I don't care how many books I've read or how much self reflection I've done I still do it. I so appreciate that you share your struggles because it lets me know that even when the weight is off it must be managed. Thanks for being transparent. Hope all is fixed at the studio soon. BTW, what kind of studio? Have a great Sunday.

justjuliebean said...

I'm glad you laughed about the food on your binge. Self loathing will just make you feel bad, set you up to expect failure. At least for me, it makes it much harder to get back on track. When I was learning not to torment myself with this stuff, I binged on carrots and popcorn and fruit, that made me feel not so bad, more likely to eat better and exercise the next day, and that built on itself.

Teresa said...

Girl, I do know where you are coming from. I call that my snacking mood, but in all honesty, it is binging isn't it. Don't give up, if we stick together, we can win this battle. Look at how far you've come, not at all the mistakes you made along the way. Big smile coming your way. Funny, my post is similar to this. Head high.