Saturday, February 28, 2009
I've been happy with my eating both on Thursday and Friday. And the scales are showing progress on that front.
Not too much new to report today. Life is trucking along in grand fashion...I'm determined to make it through this weekend...weekends are difficult. But I made it through last weekend, so I can do it again. :-)
Friday, February 27, 2009
I'm also feeling quite optimistic. I guess going and facing it gave me renewed hope and energy to do it!
WHAT THE 'H' 'E' DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS WAS I THINKING?????? Was it just yesterday that i was saying that I can see improvement in my biking??? This morning I awoke before the alarm that was set to wake Todd up (I didn't have to go to work until later). I laid there and was disappointed to realize that my headache was still there. Not as pronounced as it was yesterday and the day before...but it was still floating around in my head. I walked to the kitchen and noticed the outside temp. WOOO HOOOOO FIFTY ONE DEGREES! How utterly exciting. I know that the temps are supposed to drop back to the low thirties (as a high) so this is my opportunity to get my 'big minimum' bike ride of 10 miles in for this weeks training. (Basically my training plan is to ride as much as possible throughout the week...but each week I have a goal for my 'long' ride...with each week getting to be a longer and longer ride until I'm doing 25 miles) Soooooooo I downed a handful of Advil, ate breakfast and went to the bedroom to dress for my bike excursion. I knew it would be somewhat chilly out there. SO I slipped on a pair of cuddle dud's (silky satiny long john underwear type thingy) and then put on my sweatpants over that. I put on a long sleeve tee shirt, then a short sleeve tee shirt and then a sweatshirt. (layers ya know...that wind can hit against a person...and that can get cold!) I put on a hat to protect my head and ears (bike helmets don't protect against cold), and slipped on an old pull over jacket. I put on some gloves...and I was almost ready. I grabbed my IPOD (is it against the law to listen to your IPOD while biking on the roads???) DANG...the battery was just about dead. Ohhhh well....no music on my ride...I'll toughen it out and go completely natural....just the wind and my thoughts. I grabbed my cell phone and my keys and walked across the kitchen. Ooops...the cell phone slipped from my fingers. It hit the floor and bounced. It bounced INTO the cat water dish. ohhh yeah. I quickly pulled it out (before the splash was even done splashing) and handed it to Todd so he could work on it. (We are crossing our fingers that it will dry out and still work...if not, I'm heading out to buy a cell phone this weekend). Should I have stopped at that point? Probably. But I went out back, got my bike and off I went. (I did grab todd's cell so I would have something in case I needed help). I started down the road. My thoughts went wild...and this is my ride by mile markers and the corresponding thoughts.
0.82 "Oh my, the wind is whipping much more than I thought it was. Boy...it's terribly windy. maybe I should turn around. NO NO NO I did not just ruin my cell phone to ride less than 1 mile and then turn back." This became my mantra for the next mile as I pushed onward. "I did not kill my cell phone for a measly ride"
2.0 "I'm getting close to town...what should I do. Should I wimp out and turn around, and go home...that would be a 5 mile ride. Or....I could ride around town and then go home. But then again, I can ride a mile out to the battlefield entrance and ride some over there...garnering me some more miles. Ohhh wait, I can turn right up here when i get to town, swing down to the canal and ride home on the canal. That would be a nice idea." And those thought went in a circle...round and round and round.
2.5 "Oh boy...I'm at the stop sign. I made it to town. Which way which way which way". I decided to turn right and go over to the battlefield.
3.5 "Oh wow..there is someone walking on the side of the road. I better pick up the pace on this hill so that it doesn't look like I'm biking in slow motion."
3.6 "Ahhh on the battlefield. What...I don't remember that hill going up to the observation tower! I better get a drink of water."
4.0 "The observation tower and Bloody lane. I've gone Bloody far enough! It's time to turn this bike around and return from whence I came."
4.5 "I could have sworn I went up a hill at this point going the other way...but here I am going up another hill"
5.5 "Decisions decisions decisions. I could go home the same way I came out....2.5 miles of not so gently (to a biker) rolling hills. Or I could go down to the canal and go home via the canal. The canal would be 1 mile of a fun downhill road, then 5 miles of the canal (relatively flat) and then one mile of uphill to get to my house. Hmmmm.....long but less hills or short but hilly." In my immense logic, I chose the canal...a longer route.
6.0 "weeee, I love going downhill"
7.0 "I better start praying for strength to train...this stuff is difficult"
8.8 "Mileage wise, I would have been home if I had taken the other option...what I fool I am"
9.0 "Why didn't I put on my padded shorts this morning? Ohhh I was so brilliant and thought that the extra layer of clothing would be sufficient. Well you know what...your brilliant mind failed you....My butt HURTS"
9.5 "Can I quit????? Oh my word. I can't. I'm on the canal.....secluded. I have to keep going. I can't quit. I don't want to quit..but I oh my word...even if I wanted to quit I can't because I don't' have my cell phone...I don't have the emergency number for the canal for them to get someone to help me. And I'd be too embarrassed anyway to call up a park ranger to come get me because I'm 'tooo tired'. I have only one option. Onward ho"
10.0 "Ohh my, I can see the road. I'm almost to the end of my travels on the canal."
10.5 "HILL....ohhh stinkin' hill up to my house. Ohhh wow.....I didn't know anyone could bike this slow. 3.8 mph Ohh lookey...now I'm up to 4.5 mph. Ohh this is pitiful!"
10.8 "was that a rain drop? Ohhh no...no rain, please no rain!"
11.0 "IF I can just make it to the next mailbox, I'll be good."
11.01 "oohhh blessed mailbox. Now I need to make it to that tree....."
11.1 "Ohh look another mailbox to strive for. And look, my speed is up to 6.8"
11.15 "I can see our property. Hmmm...I wonder how lame it would be to cut off the road as soon as I reach my property instead of waiting for the driveway. Oh shucks, there's a limb down, I can't cut in through there anyway...I guess I better wait for the driveway."
11.21 Ohhhh blessed driveway!
I got my bike and myself inside and literally less than 10 minutes later it was pouring down rain! I squeaked that ride out! But my goal for this week was a 10 mile ride. I did it! (I wish I would have done a 12 miler though...because that is next weeks goal...and that would have been awesome to be a week ahead)
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I was tickled yesterday. I've been riding my exercise bike at home. It's an old one.....and it doesn't keep track of my speed or mileage. So I just ride like the dickens for my set time and that's that. Well, I went to the gym yesterday and rode the random hill program on their bikes for 60 minutes. That's what I usually do if I ride the exercise bike at the gym. The last time I did that at the gym (about a month ago) I did about 11 miles in 60 minutes....and I struggled to keep my RPMS (rotations per minute) above 75. Yesterday I did my 60 minutes and did 21 miles and kept my RPMs closer to 100 for most of the hour. So I can see improvement. Now the problem is that exercise bike riding and road riding are a TOTALLY different ball game. Yeah, the exercise bike riding will help me. But road riding is SOOO much more difficult! The friction and wind and all that combine to make it soo much harder. (I can PROMISE you that I can't do 21 mph on my bike on the road! In fact, I'd be lucky to be able to keep up 10 mph on the road). But regardless...I can see improvement! SO I'm happy!
Other than that...I'm battling a terrible sinus headache and the monthly ick and all that entails. lucky me! BUT, even though these are wonderful excuses....I'm STILL going to go to a weight watcher meeting tonight!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
There is a balance to be found in all of this. I may not be happy with my weight. As my friend put it...she knows she is happier with herself and just feels better when she is at a lower weight. BUT she was still happy with her eating. Being happy with your eating is saying that here is what I ate today.....and I'm ok with my choices. There is a heck of a lot of play in that. And it may not be conducive to losing weight. Some days when you are happy with your eating, it is a direct correlation to eating healthy and wisely in order to maintain and lose weight. But other days it may mean that you did indulge a bit, but you are ok with that indulgence. So at that point, what it boils down to is 'how badly do you want to lose weight." If losing weight is an overwhelming desire , then you will consider your healthy eating days your 'good' days.
So it takes the focus off the actual scales. SOOOOOOOO....I will be weighing every day, but I may not focus on the results of the scales here on my blog. Ohh yeah, when I have something to celebrate...I will be talking about it. But my daily weigh ins.....I'm going to try to not focus on them. (We'll see how long that lasts. haa haa haa)
Monday, February 23, 2009
Bowl of cold cereal (measured)
FF milk (basically enough to wet my cereal...as I am not a milk fan)
Turkey sandwich (with lots of lettuce, onions and tomatoes)
Diet coke (yeah, I splurged...this is a splurge for me now)
green beans (a staple in my life)
cottage cheese with a dollop of homemade apple butter on top
Scoop of fat free frozen yogurt
roughly 60-64 ounces (My water jug was not quite empty)
So I feel as if I did really well. The kicker....I was all excited yesterday because my weight was 201.2 on Saturday and yesterday it was back to 200.8......well today it's back to 201.2. Go figure.
I wish it would have gone down...but I'm not upset. I did exactly what I wanted to do this weekend. I managed my eating. I didn't go hog wild. ANd consequentially, I'm not starting my 'week' at the same place that i started the beginning of last week. Even at my 'higher weight' today, I'm still down more than 2 pounds from last week! So all in all it's a success! Now to keep adding to that success!
I'm planning on going to a weight watcher meeting tonight. Planning. I've got to check to make sure that they haven't cancelled that meeting or moved the time. (it happens). I'm kinda dreading it...becuase that means that I have to face the truth and show ANOTHER gain! Yes, even though I've done good in the last week, I haven't been to a meeting since early to mid January. And I'll have to show a gain at tonights meeting. The only good thing......I'll show a gain tonight and then I can work to not show a gain again! But as much as I dread it...I know that I just need to do it!
*****Update- glad I checked, they moved the Monday night meeting time. Not by much but enough that it would still work, but would just be more iffy for me to get there from week to week. SOOOOO my new plan. Thursday evening....and if that doesn't work with my schedule, then I can also make a Friday morning meeting. Each of those meetings are led by the same leader...which also happens to be the leader that I actually was under when I originally reached my goal. :-)
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I thought I did really good with my eating yesterday. HOWEVER, we did have Taco's for dinner...which is a bit high in sodium, not to mention a meal that I can easily lose control when we eat. I had a big plate of lettuce and onions...topped with a bit of taco meat, two crumbled shells, some fat free cheese and taco sauce. I was satisfied...I felt like I had tacos..because I had the taste. :-)
On the scales...well, I didn't recoup my whole weird jump from yesterday (remember on Thursday I was 202.4, Friday I was 200.0 and Saturday I was back up to 201.2) But I did weigh in at 200.8. Which is almost 1 1/2 pound down! So I recouped MOST of that gain! I"m tickled...and on a weekend!
Today may be difficult...we are thinking about going out for Spanish for lunch. I've planned a nice seafood meal for dinner...which may sound crazy to some .....but I don't eat Seafood...so while my husband eats his seafood, I'll be eating the veggies! So that will help manage my food intake for the day!
Friday, February 20, 2009
I was really shocked at my weight this morning. I woke up thirsty....which is not a good sign for my weight. AND, at the risk of giving too much information, my plumbing was not up to it's normal routine this morning.....so that can skew my weight. But, I faced the scales regardless. Yesterday I was 202. TODAY I was 200! WHAT???? Two pounds in one day....followed by my 1 1/2 pounds the day before. I've literally lost 3.5 pounds in two days???? What in the world. All I can say is that I must have been retaining some MAD MAD water!
Todd and I had our 'main meal' of the day this morning, as our schedules are totally opposing today. I've brought a healthy lunch. That will leave me roughly 8 points for dinner. As long as I can eat wisely tonight and not go on some wild 'gobble every morsel of food I see' rampage, I'll be OK.
I didn't exercise last night. I left here and I was so utterly cold. I just couldn't get warm and I was just achy and tired. SO I laid on the couch and did nothing but read a book. (Yeah, I should have swept and mopped the kitchen...but oh well...there is always tonight). I'm determined that tonight I exercise. No skipping more than 1 day of exercise! Thus far I'm not feeling that achy, icky cold to the bones feel...so hopefully I'll be able to!
My foot still hurts, but not even enough to cause a limp...just more of an achy feel. That's good. But I'm still trying to take it easy....low impact. (what a co-inky-dink...I just happen to have a bike ride that I need to be training for......low impact!)
I'm gearing up to head into the weekend. A weekend of opportunity. Opportunity for me to continue on this healthy path that i have started (again) this week. An opportunity to feel the immense pride and satisfaction of making wise healthy choices. The opportunity to beat my addictions, knowing that every time I beat my addictions it empowers me to win the next round also. Success truly does build upon itself! (Plus, being on the cusp of being back in the 100's is a REALLY big deal! I would so love to get there!!! And on a weekend...how great would that be???)
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Had a bit of a panic yesterday. Todd and I got outside and walked in the snow (not deep snow...snow in the air) for about an hour. Then we went home and played Dance Dance Revolution. I was 'dancing', (I prefer to think of it more as hopping...because a dancer I am not) and came down on my foot wrong. I heard a pop and felt pain as I fell to the sofa that was nearby. I don't know what popped.....the pain did ease a bit....and stubborn girl that I am, I played DDR for another 20 minutes or so. (only because the pain eased almost all the way). BUT, today my foot hurts. Hmmm...not cool. Wonder what that popping noise was. OH well...I'll have to continue to ponder that...I'm not going to the doctor since the pain isn't that bad...it's more annoying! (no health insurance.....I don't go unless it's a last resort!) And yep, I still managed to get some time on the exercise bike into my day yesterday!
Which brings me to my thought of the day. Why in the world is it so hard to regain control after you've lost it. I mean I lost it back in OCTOBER! And I haven't really gotten a good grasp. I've had a few days here and there where I think I've got it under control again..but then BOOM...it slips from my grasp! I can do this though. I've DONE it...so I know that I can do it again!
Well, it's official. I am registered for my bike ride! Now to train for it! Have I said that I don't like exercise......so I'm kinda dreading training...but really excited about it at the same time...does that make sense? Could this be the exercise loving breakthrough for me???
Thinking about trying a spinning class at the gym. I've always been intrigued with them...but I've never tried one. This would be perfect with my training and stuff. My 'excuse' right now....we are planning on giving up our gym membership this summer when our contract at this gym is up (we switched gyms last summer....it was a one year contract). My excuse is "what if I love it and then have to give it up when we leave the gym" . Yeah, flimsy excuse....I'm almost ashamed to write it out...but hey, it is what it is!
I woke up this morning and looked at the thermometer...I was tickled 42 degrees. Woo hooo....with temps like that, it would be a wonderful day to ride (I get off of work at 3PM today). By the time I left for work (1 hour after my first glance at the thermometer) it had dropped to 40 degrees. It has dropped some more...it's spitting snow (ohhh wow...it was spitting snow now..icky). I know that a die hard biker would be out in it...but I'm just not to that stage (haa haa haa...I don't know if I'll ever be to that stage). Oh well...exercise bike here I come....or maybe the gym!
Spring where are you?????
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I'm getting ready to swing into full gear training for my 25 mile bike ride which is in mid April. I called my brother last night and talked to him. He back in the mid to late eighties got into bike riding and has been an avid rider since then. He's done some racing and lots of long distance events. I'll share a little story from back in the 80's...a MaryFran bicycles story! My brother was riding long distances in preparation for a long distance ride that he was planning on doing. I was at that point packing on the pounds without a care in the world. BUT, one day he convinced me to head out on a bike ride with him. I had a somewhat new bike, that I had barely used...so this was a wonderful opportunity. Off we went. We were living in Florida at the time, and we left our little subdivision (Rolling Acres) and headed across the highway to Hill-n-dale another subdivision. We rolled up and down those roads, enjoying the breeze and the wonderful feeling of biking. Well, he enjoyed those things. I was getting tired! We kept going. On and one. Up and down those stupid roads. He was just whizzing along while I lagged behind. He rolled his way up a street with an incline (I'll admit it was not a very big incline) and I just had had enough. I was still trying to pedal and propel that stupid bike up that road, but it's just really hard to stay upright when you are going so slow. I wiped out! (My brother was at the top of the hill waiting for me and he looked back and said that I even fell in slow motion.) Mangled my elbow and knees up something fierce. The injury gave me some kind of adrenaline rush to get myself home (I actually booked it...I was ahead of him). And that was the last time I rode a bike until 2001!
So when I talked to my brother and got advice, he was very helpful but he couldn't resist making a comment when i told him that for my first ride out that my average speed was only 8 miles an hour......he of course said, "how did you stay upright?"
Anyway.....his words of advice:
When I told him that I was riding a 25 mile event and asked for his advice his first two things he said were 'get out there each week and ride, adding more each week to your rides' and 'About two weeks before the ride you want to be used to at least 18 miles'
As we talked longer we had a large discussion about the actual muscle that propels your bike. He said that you can propel your bike by one of two muscles. The heart, or your actual leg muscles. He said to propel your bike with your heart is to spin at a higher RPM...get used to pushing the pedal around more times per minute. You are still propelling your bike, but you are exerting yourself through cardio and not straight up muscles in your legs. This propels your bike via cardio. The other muscle is your actual leg muscles. This is the muscle that propels you up a hill....and or that you use when you push a higher gear, your legs are not going around as many times, but you are having to exert more force via your muscles.
He said it's most efficient to use the higher RPM or your cardio/heart to propel your bike most of the time...because then when you hit a hill you can then use your muscles which are not already worn out for that burst to get you up the hill. The other effect use that come into play is that when you are biking with via the cardio/high RPM route when you feel that you need a breather, you can pop into a higher gear and use those leg muscles to propel you. When you pop into a higher gear, your leg muscles have to push more...but they don't have to complete as many rpm's per minute, thus your heart is getting a bit of a break while your legs do the work. But then when your heart has it's break switch back to a lower gear in order to save those leg muscles and use your heart (which is a much stronger muscle) He said it's a game between the two muscles....choosing the best one to propel you at all times. Does that make sense?????? He did say that learning the difference and actually being able to use it takes time to learn (he's been doing this for years.....he was talking about one of his 200 mile rides that he does each year.....he started in '91 and has done it every year since....along with other rides). He also said that for our 25 mile ride, that this won't come into as much play...it's only if we continue to train for longer rides (which I plan to do).
OK...other nuggets of information that he passed along.
1. Bicycling distance is all mental. He said that to bike distance you have to get in the frame of mind that 'yes, it's going to hurt sometimes' but that you are just going to push through it to come out on the other side and know that the elation on the other side is pretty amazing! You push through the pain. (My mantra during exercise when I think about how I'm feeling is that "pain is only temporary"
2. Don't worry about speed so much for this 25 mile ride. He states that for my first year of serious riding that I will probably average about 10-12 miles per hour and that would be good for me.
3. So therefore, for longer distances the speed is more of a long term comfort thing.
4. He advised me that we should not worry about staying with the 'group leader' for this ride. We can start out with them, but take our cue sheets and be prepared to take this ride at our own pace and not worry about the others. :-)
5. Miles, miles, miles. The more miles we have on our legs, the better prepared we will be. I plan on doing longer rides, that is when I need to focus on getting my speed to a higher level. Not because it can't be done, but if you are doing a straight 100 mile ride (not metric...because that is only 60-some miles) if you are only going 10-12 miles an hour average, you will be on that bike for 9-10 hours.
6. No matter what I feel.....KEEP GOING! Stopping will only make it worse when I get back on the bike. Keep my feet on the pedal!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Ohhh so yummy! :-)
Not too much to write about. Just a relaxing weekend. I indulged a bit on Valentines day. But no worries.
I'm floored. I don't eat at fast food much. But back in December we stopped (to use the bathroom) at a Burger King. I ordered a medium drink while there (diet drink of course) and they mentioned that it was the new sizing. Yeah, it was pretty big. I pushed it out of my mind....today we stopped at Wendy's to pick up a drink for Todd. I went ahead and got a medium diet for me. Ohhh my word...they upped their sizes also (I'm not surprised, if one has upped their size it's reasonably positive that they all have). I drank about 1/2 of it . Before I threw the cup away, I decided to see how many ounces......32 ounces in a MEDIUM! How the heck big is the large...not to mention the supersize/king size/biggie????? That is mind boggling!! Add that to the fact that most people do NOT fill their cups with ice tea or diet sodas. And we wonder why america is obese and growing larger each day?????????
When we sat down to eat dinner, I still had about 1/2 of my diet soda left. I started my meal with that as my drink. I realized that it totally altered how my food tasted. I didn't like it. Yeah, I used to ONLY drink soda with my meals. BUt I've actually grown to prefer water...it enhances the meal experience...because it forces one to focus on the taste of the meal instead of muddying the waters with the taste of soda. (Yeah, there are still meals out there that I feel NEEDS to have a soda or other drink...but they are becoming more rare). This is amazing to me..the girl that used to hate water!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Actually I'm better than good. I'm surprised! Yesterday at work I continued to resist that red velvet cake. Ohhh it smelled sooo darn good. And let me tell you, I smelled it ALL freakin' day. My co0workers at cake for breakfast....and cake for lunch! I didn't have any! But that is why I'm not surprised that my weight was good. Last night we went out with some friends to a spanish restaurant. Ohhh my word. I got the loma saltado (yeah yeah yeah...I don't eat much beef...and this is a beef meal...but ohhhh was it ever good..with lots of veggies)...which is served with black beans and rice. For an appetizer we got some Papusa....extra yummy. This is a Spanish restaurant...but they do have some tex mex stuff on the menu. So of course they put the chips and salsa dip stuff on the table at the onset of the meal. I won't lie...I had a few chips. Probably no more than 5. (huge huge victory). Our friends are regulars at the restaurant...so the waitress brought out a piece of milk infused cake for us to split as a comp. I ate ONE bite and that was it! Everyone else got drinks....I stuck with water. I think I did pretty good.
I'm excited....I'm going to be swinging into training for my bike event and I'm determined that I'm doing to drop these icky pounds while doing it!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Mizfit, wrote a great post. Really hit home as I've recently realized that I needed to stop allowing situations in my life dictate how I live. Check it out...I couldn't have said it better!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
And I stood there and calmly ate my fresh pinepple chunks that I had packed for my lunch. I know this sounds weird, but I instinctively knew that I had to look that cake 'in the eye' and I had to smell that cake and I had to come up close and personal to that cake...and I had to win.
There is a sense of pride...empowerment if you will in what I accomplished today.
ON the same note...my husband and I went out on the canal and walked for an hour this afternoon. At least 3 or 4 times while we were hiking he asked me if we were going to stop at Nutters (our local ice cream shop) on the way home. What do you think I answered??????
Nope, we did not stop.
Here I am at work today and one of our customers brought in a valentines day treat for us. Red velvet cake. It looks soooo good. I know the customer (from my childhood actually) so I can't talk myslef out of the it because I don't know how clean this lady is. She is quite clean...and her food is excellent.
I'm not going to do it!
If I can make it through today, I should be ok...I only want it when it's really fresh. When the cake is moist. Once it's been cut, it starts to dry out...I'm no longer tempted. Make it through today...make it through today....make it through today!
Ohhh the scales were NOT at all kind to me this morning.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Redoubling my effforts today. Drink drink drink! I got up and rode the exercise bike this morning before coming to work. Actually i was a busy beaver this morning. I folded some laundry....did a load of laundry and hung it up. (I'm trying to hang as much of my laundry up as possible to save money...electric bill was sky high since they just doubled what it costs!). I did the dishes, made the bed, straightened the house, packed my lunch and my husbands lunch, showered, stopped by the post office and I was STILL at work by 9:30 AM.
Hopefully tonight when I go home I will have some new exercise equipment at our house. That would make me really excited! :-)
Monday, February 09, 2009
February 8, 2009 (161 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotleI
Saturday, February 07, 2009
The scales this morning........ (yesterday was actually 202.2...not 202.6 as I reported.....) 200.6!!!!! Wooo hoooo!! I know a lot of that was water...but i'll take it! I want to be back in onederland soooo badly!
Friday, February 06, 2009
Late last week it came to me that those scenarios actually were played out in real life this past summer. I was happy with the real life results...but I lost my visualizing technique. I mean, it doesn't spur you onward to resist temptation or to exercise harder to visualize yourself in a situation once it has already played out! I mean, it may work once or twice, but after that....well it just doesn't cut it.
Soooo...I have my new visualizing scenario to think about. Next year will be my 20 year high school reunion. Yep, I graduated from high school in 1990. AND since I took a year off between high school and college (it was a great year of being a bum....OK, I wasn't a total bum, I worked as a nanny) I graduated from college in 1995...which puts next year at my 15 year for college. Well...I haven't seen any of my friends from high school since graduation. I talk to some via email...but the last time they saw me I was a size 20.....pushing 22. Hmmmmm. Isn't it also ironic that I've set a reward of a trip to the place of my choice for my big goal...the biggie...the "I'm the lowest I want to be...I've reached it....in my head that's 150...but the doctor said that 160 would probably be my lowest...so whichever). I was thinking about the Caribbean...but then I switched it to a week at Disney World, because I hadn't been there since we lived in FL.....19 years ago. Sooooo wow, I can combine my reward trip with a reunion....and I can visualize seeing people from high school looking hot and svelte! (or as near as I can get with this body that I abused for so long). (the college reunion will be in Indiana...so if I go to that it will be a visit with my brother and his family).
Meanwhile.......I got brave and stepped onto the scales this morning. I was quite nervous. I mean, I ate horribly over the weekend! The last time I weighed I was already over the 200 pound mark (201.6) so I was just sure that it was going to be horrid! I gained one pound. I'm now 202.6. I'm disgusted by that....but yet elated that the damage was not worse. To be honest, I was thinking that I was going to see 208 or 210.
So far so good today. I have resisted ordering subs with my co-workers. One gal brought in some kind of apple turnover/tart thingy. They look scrumptious! I have resisted! I'm visualizing!
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Intrinsically I know that it is not helpless. I've done this. I've been through the wonderful months and years of losing. I know what needs to be done. I know how to do it! But it's like my brain knowing and my body doing are two different things. Sitting at the dinner table last night, I finished up my dinner and I was already thinking...."woah, I've had a little too much to eat today....this is the end. Nothing more tonight." But even as I was thinking that, different words poured out of my mouth. The words that I actually emitted? "Dessert?" And I proceeded to concoct a little dessert for Todd and I. 5 extra points on top of a less than stellar eating day. It's like there are two different people warring for control within in me.
I've had the months (actually years) of eating healthy and feeling on top of the world....king of the mountain...like nothing could knock me from where I stood. I was strong and I was going to beat this fat at it's own game. And I was doing a fair job of it.
But now...years into this healthy lifestyle and I've hit some kind of wall. The ends are not matching. I want so badly to finish this journey and reach my ultimate goal. (not the goal that I first set for myself......I already reached that...but the 'real' weight goal that the BMI index sets for us). Yet I feel helpless.
I'm not giving up. I just feel helpless. But, even helpless...I've got my plan for the day set up and I'll do my best to adhere to that plan (staying within my allotment of points). In my mind I'm determined to maintain that plan and hold strong. Maybe today will be the day that I'm not helpless to beat that 'naughty eating' side of me!
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
This morning I awoke and saw about an inch of fresh snow. I made todd's coffee and made us a healthy breakfast and off we went. We walked on the battlefield for about an hour and fifteen minutes. Nice activity....especially since I was planning today off from formal exercise!
Why am I taking a day off? Well, at first I thought that the pain in my arm was due to my expending and using muscles harder than I usually do. But I'm starting to wonder now. The other arm is no longer sore while my left arm seems to be getting worse! It's up near my shoulder....it aches just sitting here at my desk at work, not to mention moving it! It hurts if I lay on my left side, with that arm under me. So I'm thinking this is not a sore muscle thing. But, without health insurance...well I'll be praying for it to heal!
Bad foods in the house???? Gone! They have been thrown away, dumped down the drain and eradicated!
Now it's just back to healthy eating and trying to get myself back on track and losing!
Nope, I haven't been brave enough to face the scales!
Monday, February 02, 2009
Saturday...I spent the day in the kitchen getting food ready for Sunday. We were having a work party (painting, cleaning, repairs, moving some stuff...etc etc tec) on Sunday at the studio (friends, interns and people that have bartered their manual labor for studio time)....I was feeding this army of workers.....I cooked and baked all day on Saturday.....testing and tasting each creation. I was literally sick by the end of the Saturday.
Sunday rolls around. Yes, I worked hard all day.....I ate not 'too bad' at the work party. If you don't count the cookies and chips...AND the regular soda that I was downing!!!! Of course then the work party ended, I went home, cleaned up and we segued into the superbowl festivities! More food! I did at least switch to diet soda at that point.
I don't even want to know what I weigh right now! I'm gathering the reigns though and I'm determined to not let my weekend antics slide into a weeklong spiral out of control. I'm back in control today. I'm sitting here at work and I've already decided that the rest of the regular soda (non-diet) that is in the fridge is going down the drain. I also have a fair amount of macaroni salad left. I love macaroni salad.....Todd doesn't. (he has potato salad left over). Tonight for dinner macaroni salad will be my side dish........and the rest is going into the garbage. I don't need that temptation. Late last night Todd did have the foresight to crunch up the chips and throw them away...so they are gone. Now it's just the other stuff....and I vow that by the time I go to bed tonight....it will all be gone. (most will be gone shortly after I get home from work). I did pack a healthy lunch. Last night I had dished up some of that macaroni salad into a small container for lunch. When I was actually packing my lunch, I left that container in the fridge....and only brought the healthy fruits and veggies!
I can do this!