Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Deep thoughts and a few tears

It's like I have no control over my choices. I know that sounds really lame and actually quite stupid. Because I know that I have all the control over my success, however I feel helpless and out of control right now. I think that about sums up my life right now. I feel totally out of control of EVERYTHING. It's like I'm grabbing for the reigns (in lots of aspects of my life) and they keep slipping out of my reach. I'm a control freak. I like to be planned. I make my lists and check them twice. I like to know. But some of these things are totally out of my hands. There isn't much I can do. I can't single-handedly bring back the economy and make people want to spend money on luxury things. (ie recording time at a recording studio). I can't make other problems disappear. Health issues? I can't do anything about these either. We eat right and exercise...and while that's been a huge help in our health there are other issues at play. I can only pray and have peace that all will be ok with all of these worries and stressors . Easier said than done. But I know that all of this stress and worry is having a really negative impact on my weight loss efforts. First and foremost, I just want to eat my way through the problems. Food long ago became my friend. It's the friend that cheers me up when I'm feeling blue. It's the friend that laughs with me when I'm in a funny mood. It's the friend that celebrates when things are going good. Food is the friend that I look to to enhance each and every mood that my body encounters. As the stress just mounts, I find myself looking more and more to food. I know it has to stop. But once again, easier said than done. How does one stop? How does one break that chain, that hold that food has over me? Because quite honestly, the gained weight and the repeated failures to get the weight off just add to my stress levels. It really is a vicious cycle.

And at this point, food and my fat is the thing that is protecting me from facing the truth about myself and who I am.(ok, stop crying MF, you are sitting here at work...at the drive through window waiting for a customer, you can't be crying here!). I'm afraid to face the truth...what if I don't like what I see? When I first started to lose weight I did and said, "I like myself fat, I dont' need to lose weight for any reason other than my health". But now I'm starting to wonder if that all wasn't a lie. Did I really like myself????

Ok, I really am struggling here....I can't be crying when a car pulls up to the window!!! So I'll leave that topic for a bit.

I rode my bike to work today. I was planning on going home from work and then hopping on the bike and riding (Todd will be at the studio with friends). But then I started thinking about how stupid it would be because I'd just be backtracking. So I rode in this morning. I'll work all day, and when I leave here, I'll leave my backpack with my work clothes here and head home on my bike. Why I'm leaving my backpack? Because even though it's only 2 miles home...I'll be taking the most circuitious path home. Instead of 2 miles, I'm planning on a 15 mile route home. (by way of keedysville the next town/village over if you must know). Weather.com though said mostly sunny with only 10% chance of rain. However when I got to work, a co-worker looked on a different weather site and it said 30% chance of thunderstorms. Ohhh ohhh. Oh well, I may get wet. And if it's bad, I'll bum a ride home tonight. :-)

3 comments:

fatty McButter Pants said...

I can really feel your pain. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Stress is a killer. I hope you can get on track soon.

Maybe just go back to the health aspect. Focus on what you are doing right....cause, come on, I know you are doing good things too.

Give yourself a break. I will be waiting for an update. Good luck with the bike ride home!

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

I had the same feelings about food you did, but I'm here to tell you it's a one-sided abusive relationship. The joy it brings is fleeting and the pain and misery it leaves is devastating.

There's so much in all our lives that's out of control, but THIS ISN'T ONE OF THEM. Take control of your life. Use your good sense and the support of those around you to make positive changes in your life.

It's worth it.

Losing Waist! said...

I have huge control issues. Perfectionism AND control. A deadly combination....

I must say that the extra bike riding is amazing!! I hope that you can find some peace in the chaos of not having control. You/we CAN control what goes in our mouths!! Thankfully we have at least that...

Thanks for the thoughtful comments, your relating to my issue is comforting- although there is never excitement for someone else being in pain...