Thursday, August 27, 2009

Soul Searching and total honesty

Back already to write an update! I finished writing my daily entry to my blog in my ramble fashion and I started reading other blogs. Then I got to this one. This is a post about food addiction written by the Scale Junkie. Very thought provoking. Why did it hit me so hard? I've readily admitted that I'm a food junky on more than one occasion. BUT, I have never opened myself up to full honesty. Outwardly I'm doing everything right. But I'm gaining or not losing. In reality, I was skirting on the edge of doing right....for most of the time. Sometimes I fell over the edge into 'poor eating' and at others I skip into the healthy eating realm. But never totally one way or the other. I wrote post after post lamenting my lack of progress and even my weight gains. But I wasn't being honest with myself. I had admitted that I had a food addiction, but i was still hiding it. No more. Total honesty, no matter how badly it makes me look.

Sooo I'll start this new realm off with some confessions.

1. My bike ride this morning that I mentioned in passing....I didn't even make it 30 minutes. I only did 20 minutes. No honesty.....I rode 19 minutes and 23 seconds before giving up and going back to laze mode!

2. Yesterday, while I still ate ok and managed my food and showed a loss this morning...the boredom got me at work in the afternoon. I ate a handful of pretzels, a handful of tortilla chips and 5 pieces of salt water taffy. I counted my points and monitored my eating the rest of the day, but I caved to the temptation of my addiction. (see, I glossed over that fact....yeah, I still came out on top...but I lost control of my addiction...and the only reason i stopped was because I ate a piece of taffy and didn't like the flavor)

3. My weight. I've admitted that I've gained some. I've shared that I'm losing again. But I've never talked about how much I've gained. I've glossed over the down and dirty figures. Last fall, just about a year ago, I was terribly proud because I was showing a huge weight loss. Well over a hundred pounds. I had reached the weight that my doctor thought was a good one for me, 180 pounds. I had made lifetime at weight watchers (based on my doctors recommendation...he said I could go lower, but 180 was the high end of where he thought I should be.) I felt good with my body, yeah, I would like to go lower but i was happy. And then I went on vacation. I splurged and ate. I ate some more. And then even more. I came back and i weighed close to 189 pounds. Instead of jumping right back on the plan, I continued my unhealthy habits. Sometimes. I never went totally off the plan, but I was never hard core with eating healthy. I splurged more often than I should have and worked out less often. Soon I saw 190 pounds. Then 195. Before I knew it I was back at 199 pounds facing that huge dividing line. 200. Yes, I hit 200 and kept going. Still vowing to get it under control...I was trying ya know. My attempt was just half hearted. 205 came and then 208. I started a competition with a friend when I weighed 208.8...a few short months ago. I was still only half heartedly working on this...yet trying to convince myself and the world that I had my food addiction under control. The scales said something different. Last Saturday I stepped on the scales and saw 217. Yes, that is still just about 100 pounds from where I first started...but that is also almost 40 stinkin' pounds from where I was a year ago. That is not cool but what is totally not acceptable is the fact that I've been lying to myself and skirting the truth. I messed up. I'm happy to say that in the last week I've dropped and my weight was exactly 210.0 this morning! Yes, I've done really well this week!

That is all the half truths that I can think of from my most recent entries that I can think that need to be set straight. And as hard as it has been to admit...I feel better for it.


VRaz60 said...

"We hold these truths to be self evident..." And yet we can lie to ourselves very convincingly, can't we? You're back at it the right way now, so stay the course and you'll be where you want to be in no time.

Shelley said...

Wow, Maryfran - thank you for the very honest post. I realized that you had put some weight back on, but had no idea how much. This scares the bejezus out of me - the fact that you can lose so much, and be so committed to diet and exercise like you were (loved all of your bike riding posts!) and somehow lose the focus. You have really made me think.

You do sound like you are on the right track - congrats for losing seven pounds already! I'm rooting for you to get back at 180!

bbubblyb said...

I read so much of myself in your post today. I remember at one point having food and exercise listed on my blog. Convienently I stopped posting my food. I think it was about not wanting to be judged on the foods I was eating. But maybe it was also so I didn't have to be as accountable to myself.

I stopped counting calories back in April. I told myself that was so I could be "normal" but I think it was also so I could have higher calorie days and not really have to think about it.

Thanks for posting this and making me realize that if I'm really serious I need to get honest with myself 100%.

I think you will get back to where you want to be. I think one of the biggest things in this journey is just being aware. I'll definitely be here rooting you on.

Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

It's so easy to do this to ourselves. One pound becomes two, and then five.

I'm so sorry for the gain you've experienced, because I know that was the last thing you wanted.

The great thing about this post is your honesty with yourself. It's okay to start anew and get back down to where you feel comfortable.

The other good thing? You stopped the gain before you went any further.

You can do this. You know how to lose weight.

I've maintained for a lot of years now, but I had a lot of ups and downs before I finally got down for good.

Take care!

Emmett said...

We all soul search from time to time

Sonya said...

thanks for being so honest. It's nice to hear that other woman out there are struggling as much as I am.

I think the fact you are being honest with yourself now is a step in the right direction. It's hard to keep going trust me I know...I hate 'dieting' but whatever you do, don't end up like me!!!! I gained it ALL back, plus 15 pounds more! You don't want to be me. Get your ass moving, count your points and get down to that 180 as soon as possible girlie!!! You can do it, you know how I know? Because you already have once!!!

SeaShore said...

Congratulations for 7 pounds *kaput!*

Even bigger congratulations for coming clean with yourself. It's hard to do. I find writing out the cold, hard facts makes them more real, but is also sort of freeing, you know? Like you don't have to stress about keeping a secret, or telling someone something because you've volunteered it.

I think it's really wonderful that you've continued with your blog and have shared this with us. So many of us who have a regain disappear without a word.