Friday, January 23, 2009

I'm sitting here with a blank screen in front of me, wondering what to write about today. Most days when I log on to write, I have in my head something to write about...something that is just crying to get out of my head. Today, I've got a whole bunch just swirling around. Lots of fragments but nothing to really put down into one cohesive paragraph.

I guess I can start by saying that looking at my frustration objectively, it's a good thing. If I binged and didn't care it would mean that I am not at all bothered by the end result and reaching my goals any longer. So I guess my frustration and disgust in myself is a good thing because it shows me that deep down, I really do want to continue on and persevere to reach my goal.

A friend (thanks Lynn) recently bought and read the book DietGirl. She sent it to me. I started reading it this morning. I'm very early into my reading and there are aspects that I can not identify with at all such as, her mother and others contributing to her negative self image at a very young age. A self image that the author perpetuated into real life. BUT, the emotions and experiences of being a very large girl. The feelings as she started to lose weight. The guarded optimism. Those I readily identify with. Maybe this book will be good for me, if only to really remind me from whence I have come!

Sitting this morning eating breakfast with my husband, I got to thinking about something. I made pancakes, turkey bacon and we had strawberries with it. I actually made LESS pancake batter (thus pancakes) then I normally have in the past. My husband usually gets halfway or 3/4 of the way through and pushes his plate away...."I'm stuff" he says. Me, I lick my plate clean. So I got to thinking while eating this morning. I made less food...would he still push away his plate and claim that he was 'full'. I already cut the portion size down. In comparison to what he normally eats, the reduced portion should have been perfect (if not a bit small). Sure enough, with pancake still left on his plate he was done! Now this is not a once in a blue moon occurance. He almost always leaves something on his plate. Not always ...but almost always. Is he doing this as a way of mastering his desires to overeat. Basically by leaving food is he mocking his overeating tendencies???? Or does he really feel full and stop??

Me, they say that in time you will be able to listen to your body and it will tell you when you are full. I've listened. I've listened now for YEARS and I can't hear! I've done some research and there are researchers/doctors out there that say that some people are lacking the genes, and thereby the propor hormones that tell the mind/body when it is full. Reading about this, I do fit in the category! I've looked into this idea, about a year ago. I wrote about it here and here.

Today a friend sent me a link to a article. This also fits me to a tee! I see food and I respond. It could be that I just ate and I'm cleaning up from dinner.....I see the bread and I want it!

Which is it??? Do they all go hand in hand? Knowing isn't going to solve my problems...but mabye undersanding would make it easier!