Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Self-hatred

I've pulled up blogger for the last few days.  And the empty screen sits and stares at me. I write nothing and at the end of the day I 'X" out of it...not a word written.

How do you say I've failed miserably.  How does one say that I have allowed myself to slide back further than I ever thought possible.  How does one say that this addiction that I struggle with has gripped me and made me forget everything that I have worked for. 

I have never totally stopped trying or caring.  But caring for 3 days or 4 days or even five days out of the week doesn't cut it.  Caring from the time i wake up until 6PM..only to follow up with an evening of food extragavanza doesn't cut it.  I have been the same weight for roughly the last 6 months or so.  I lose 4-5 pounds...then gain 4-5 pounds.  I'm on a teeter-totter.....and I HATE it.  I look at myself and feel hatred for allowing myself to regain 50 pounds.  Yes, 50 pounds.  I want to cry.  I want to wail.  I want to gnash my teeth.  I want to scream.  I'm in utter anguish.  Yet I try and try and try again and again....just to fail.  The lure of food.  My addiction in a nutshell. 

I know that it's possible to pull myself out of this.  To lose the weight again.  And I also know that it's possible to keep the weight off.  I need to dig deep within myself.  Focus on myself.  Do this for all the right reasons.   And this time, when I say I will never again be in the two hundreds...I will actually take care to make sure that never happens.  I will NOT have a repeat of this.  It is debilitating.....and I know that physical issues aside...I NEVER want to feel the emotional stress of this again!

So what is my plan?    I'm taking it one day at a time.  Focusing on eating right for ONE day.  Not looking at the big picture of how much I have to lose.  Focusing on doing the right thing simply for that one day.  Tomorrow is a new day...and I'll worry about eating right when that day comes.  I'm going to focus on my old system.....a sticker a day in my calender for each day on target....an extra sticker for each day of exercise.  And a sticker at the end of the week for my weekly challenge met.  I did this about 3-4 years ago and it was encouraging to see the rows of stickers indicating daily success.  It was also sobering and eye opening to see a few days go by with no stickers.  

This week is admittedly rough....todd is having all sorts of tests that require fasting....liquid diets...whatnot.  So whenever he has a window where he can eat....we go....and of course I eat with him!  Not good. 

I'm still doing Zumba twice a week.  I may actually go for broke tonight (I missed a session last week) and do a make up session before my normal session...so 2 hours of zumba.  I can do it!  I did 4 hours (or more) back in July....OUTSIDE under the sun and in the heat!  I need to do something else though...2 days of workouts is NOT enough each week.  I need to push it up a notch.  

My weekly goal for this week...exercise THREE times.  And no...as much as I want to cheat and count my double workout tonight as two times...NOPE...counting it as ONE.

18 comments:

Dr. Fat To Fit said...

I know how you must feel. I felt that way when I gained back 26 pounds I'd lost. It makes you wonder why you should try again. BUT, on the bright side. You KNOW you can lose 50 pounds. You've done it before. All you have to do is do it. Don't make it harder than it is. One day at a time. You can do this.

spunkysuzi said...

One day at a time is totally do-able!! I know you can do it.

bbubblyb said...

I think you have a good plan MaryFran just go with it. I know I've suggested it before but I'm going to again, maybe give therapy a try. My original reason for going was that my mother had Cancer, my son was struggling and my 17 yr old cat was very ill. It was a lot of little things all on top of me and I felt overwhelmed. It sounds like you might be going through that now.

As for exercise, maybe just get outside and take some walks. I know for me they are very theraupic plus the weather is just beautiful right now.

Hugs

Hallie said...

I'm right there with you, like right now! I got down to 201, but then got back up to 229 before finally, just a few days ago, giving up on the special food treats and giving myself back totally to a weight-loss plan. I'm back pretty much where I was a year ago. But I'm not terribly concerned, actually, with self-loathing, although it was getting to a point where if I kept going on that path I would be. I say congrats on finally writing the blog and fessing up. And good luck with the plan, sounds good. Keep us posted.

F. McButter Pants said...

You've got a good plan. You know how to do this. One day at a day....one minute at a time.

Good to hear from you!

Karen said...

Ah - I call it a roller coaster and am all too familiar with the ups and downs. I also sit at the screen and can't type sometimes, not wanting to once again write about my struggling. I wish I knew why sometimes I am motivated and sometimes not. But, like you, I am taking it one day at a time right now. And each day of clean eating builds momentum and is easier than the last and makes me feel better:) You are not alone.

Debbie said...

Hi, I picked up your blog off of Dr. Fat to Fit and Just shake it off and take it off again. You did it once you can do it again. Look on the bright side you just picked up another follower...

Tami said...

I too came to your blog via Dr Fatty!

I have been right there in your shoes more than once in my adult life. I use to be a career dieter!

I can tell you that you just have to get that first day of good eating and exercising under your belt and build on it. It starts with a first step.

Accept where you are, stop the could have, would have, should have thinking and just move on from here.

You can do it!

first steps said...

I, too found you via Dr. Fatty. One day at a time...yes, you can do this!

Jane said...

I found your blog through Dr. F., and I'm glad I did. I too have been a "teeter totter" dieter, and I have even gone so far as to delete my blog once. But something pulled me back into it, and I am doing much better now. Don't say that you have failed, because this isn't a test. There's lots of oopportunity to get the weight off. Keep the faith...you can do it!

Shelley said...

Doing it just for today works on so many levels, and makes this whole process seem much more manageable. I love your stickers idea - a very visible cue as to how you are doing. Hope the stress of your husband's medical testing doesn't throw you off track...I try to remember in times of stress that eating won't change the results - it works for me most of the time. Hang in there - I'm rooting for you!

Lanie Painie said...

I agree that therapy is helpful. I started mine this week because I could feel myself wanting to eat uncontrollably again and have learned enough reading other people's blogs to know that therapy is a necessity in this journey. Finding positive, healthy ways to experience emotions instead of stuffing them down with Reese's is my goal.

I know you can do this! Hang in there!

Anita said...

Judging by my weight, I should be from 5'7" to 5'10".But I'm not. I'm 5'2.5 " . For the first time in about 20 years, I am losing weight. What's my method? I am eating less. One meal, one snack at a time. I've given up thinking "one day at a time"; too discouraging: I never made it past Day Three.
1. If it's not good for me or if I know I can't leave it alone or I'll eat the whole package, I don't buy it. It's not in the house.
2. I eat less than I want. Sometimes I measure, sometimes I just don't have a second helping nor pile my plate full.
3. I thank God for every lighter weigh-in.
4. I try to walk daily. When I can't, I don't beat myself up.
5. Tomorrow's another day, Scarlett.

Michelle said...

I have so been exactly where you are now and it was only a month or so ago. I regained all 69 pounds that I lost on WW 6 years ago plus 6 extra for good measure.
One day a time, completely.

Honib1 said...

Found you through Dr. Fatty.. and your post is how I like things honest.. and you know .. well you know.. you can do this.. you know what it takes. and you know once you get there.. you have to be diligent.. you can do it.. I am going to keep up with your blog so I know how you are doing.. lot of support here dear.. and my best to you..

Sandy said...

Hi MaryFran. I'm here from Dr. F. I feel your pain girl. I've done this so many times in the past. I'd be making good progress and then I'd get complacent. Or lazy. Or stop caring. I finally said enough is enough after my mom died a couple of years ago and I finally had my life back.
It hasn't been easy and I haven't been without my setbacks, but I'm making progress. And so can you.
Please try not to beat yourself up. You've got some great ideas of what to do. Just take one day at a time. Plan the night before what you are going to eat, what your workout is going to be.
You will lose those 50 pounds again. You will be happier and healthier.
If I can do it, so can you!

Sandy said...

Hi MaryFran. I'm here from Dr. F. I feel your pain girl. I've done this so many times in the past. I'd be making good progress and then I'd get complacent. Or lazy. Or stop caring. I finally said enough is enough after my mom died a couple of years ago and I finally had my life back.
It hasn't been easy and I haven't been without my setbacks, but I'm making progress. And so can you.
Please try not to beat yourself up. You've got some great ideas of what to do. Just take one day at a time. Plan the night before what you are going to eat, what your workout is going to be.
You will lose those 50 pounds again. You will be happier and healthier.
If I can do it, so can you!

Leah said...

I've stopped by after visiting Dr. Fat To Fit and I've been in your place before.

I'm at a point where things are getting a bit easier at times, but I still have to concentrate on taking it one day at a time.

Hang in there and please know you're not alone in your struggle or situation. Take care!