I am an addict. Plain and simple. My drug of choice is perfectly legal and actually even encouraged and a necessity. I chose food. I stand so strong with plans to conquer my addiction. I have plans. I have dreams. I want so much to lose my weight. But I have this addiction...this voice in my head. This overwhelming desire to shovel food into my body just to feel the high of the incredible tastes and textures exploding in my mouth. My mind knows how good food is.....yet my mind also knows that I need to control these desires, these cravings, this out of control eating frenzy that I am prone to. So if I know that I need to control it, why is it so difficult? It's difficult because of what I call my mini-me. My mini-me is fueled by my addiction. My mini-me is constantly yelling at me, telling me to eat. Telling me that it's OK to indulge in that cookie, because I deserve it. It's my mini me that comes up with these incredibly far fetched ideas....that the doughnut knot that is 3 inches in diameter would have the same calories as a small 1 inch doughnut hole" My mini-me is smart. When it's time to exercise, my Mini-me convinces me that I'm too tired, or the weather isn't right or whatever the reason of the day is. You see, my mini-me knows that if I exercise that it sparks me to eat healthy...and healthy eating does NOT fuel my mini-me. I thought that I had it licked for a while. I lost weight and I thought I had safely locked this addiction...this mini-me into a closet, never to be heard from again. I still faintly heard the mini-me voice yelling at me...but I had it under control. I was on top of the world...I had my addiction under control. But the mini-me escaped and took up residence front and center in my mind...and here I am, once again a struggling addict.
I remember the days where I was so strong. They would bring food to work and I would ignore it. No bite passed my lips. I knew that if I started, I would never stop. The analogy that refer to it as is...My mini-me needs junk food and unhealthy food in order to survive...without the junk food, the mini-me loses power and it's voice becomes week. So as soon as I start eating something that I shouldn't, that voice grows. My addiction rears it's ugly head and I need to have more and more and more. So I used to be so strong. It was actually a joke at work, that I wouldn't eat anything. But that girl has been choked out by this addiction.
Yesterday they brought doughnut knots, cookies and brownies into work. I had been determined to keep it under control all day, but I saw those doughnuts and my addiction went into overdrive. My mini-me started screaming at me. "It's been so long since you had a doughnut". So I looked it up and figured it out. I could eat one, and it wouldn't ruin my eating plan for the day. So I had one. But one became two and two became three. And then I had to sample the brownies. They were so moist and chewy, I was in heaven........so later in the day I had a second. I was a sugar shovelling fiend....and the more food I shovelled into my mouth, the more self disgust and self hatred I feel. I lose control. And yes, I know that I am the one that should ultimately be in control, and I am the only one that can take the blame...but it's like all rational thought leaves my head once I start eating.
I am making a vow, right here and now. My mini-me will be locked into a closet again, and this time, I'm not going to give it the chance to slither out!