Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The mountain to Happiness

A month or so I wrote about how i was so utterly depressed and just overwhelmingly sad.  I wrote on here how I was trying to dig my way out of this pit of despair.  It was slow but I feel as if I was really making progress.  I was standing up for me.  I was taking time to do things for me.  I was starting to feel better.  Yeah, life was still really getting me down, but I was trying to focus on the good things.  Trying to not allow things to get to me...to not dwell on everything that seems to have dumped on me in recent months.

However yesterday all my progree came to a crashing halting stop.  Let me back up.  A good friend of mine....someone that I hang out with a few times a week and text everyday....numerous and constantly has been depressed and down.  I was with him on Thursday and was sufficiently worried about something that was going to occur in his life on Saturday that I sent him a text on Saturday telling him to keep his head up.  He did text me back and say "Don't worry about me, i'm not going to kill myself yet"  I responded back but didn't hear anything else.  I sent more texts on Sunday.....and Monday...and Tuesday.  By Tuesday I knew something was seriously wrong.  On Tuesday afternoon, I received a phone call with the horrible news.  He committed suicide this past weekend.

I lost a good friend.  Honestly, although he knew nothing of my problems and woes (or very little....by my choice, I didn't want him to have to worry about me in the midst of everything going on with his life) he was my anchor as I worked to rebuild the fragile pieces of my emotions.   He filled the void as my husband and I work opposite schedules....so I always had someone to talk to those long nights at home alone....or someone to go out with when Todd wasn't available.  I'm crushed and devastated at the loss of my friend.

I can't wrap my head around it. And I can't stop crying.  I think about the good times with him.....and feel better for a few minutes....and then I think about my issues and I just can't deal with them....so I cry.    I am NOT suicidal....because I would never do something to knowingly cause pain to my friends and family....but I can see and totally understand where he was at.  You sometimes feel like the mountain to happiness is tooo high.

6 comments:

F. McButter Pants said...

I don't have any words but I am so sorry for your loss. Cry your heart out. I hope that your depression doesn't come crashing down on you too. You might want to see someone. Don't stay away too long. Update soon or I will be worried about you.

hugs

spunkysuzi said...

That's how i found out about my cousin who i talked to at least twice a week and i could talk to him about anything.
I tried to phone him for a week nearly every day and then found out he had been murdered! One of the worst days i've ever had.
"hugs" sometimes life is so hard!!

Tanya said...

MaryFran...I'm glad that you're writing this down and getting this out there. Sometimes writing and getting feedback from others that care about you can be so therapeutic. I'm here for you. If you ever need to talk or even just cry you have my number.

Hugs my friend. Stay strong!!

Tammy said...

I am soooo sorry!!!!:( I can't even imagine what you are feeling and going thru. Know that people are out here who care about you and will be praying for you. I understand where he was at too...but I always keep in mind how devastating that would be to my family and friends and how selfish that would be of me. So I keep hanging on.

Darcy said...

I'm so sorry, MF. My prayers are with you and if you need anything...you know where to find me.

carleewandowski said...

You are in my thoughts, MF. I am so sorry for your loss. Love to you.