Tuesday, January 31, 2012

It's time to come out and admit what is obvious

You know...reading between the lines someone that has been reading my blog for a while can tell.  But I've never come out and said it.  I don't know why.  I guess maybe I just didn't want to admit it.  To admit it...admits that I'm not perfect.  I know I'm not perfect...but this is a major flaw....and embarrassing.  I like to be in control, and this is so not in control.

You see....I battle depression.  I've never been diagnosed as clinically depressed.  I know that my depression is situational.  It happens when backed in a corner where I feel there is no easy way out....that's when it rears it's ugly head.  It's almost like I can't figure out a way to dispel the gloom that wells up inside me.   It starts small and just progressively gets worse until I'm ready to explode.

This scares me for two very clear reasons.  Both happened years ago.  I didn't really recognize what was happening to me. Both times  I knew I was sad.  I knew I was stressed.  I knew I felt horrible.

The first time I was really oblivious to how bad I was....I was in college...and luckily I had some GREAT friends. These friends really recognized where I was at and knowing it was a situational problem, they gathered around me.  I was rarely alone.  I had a private room....but when my alarm would go off, within minutes one of them would appear in my room to coax me into getting up and facing the day.  Someone was by my side almost constantly. I will forever be thankful to these gals ....who stood by me and gave me the courage to face each and every day until the situation righted itself.  I hadn't realized how badly I had sunk, until years later when during a conversation with one of those friends  she told me how utterly scared they were for me.

The second time was the scariest for me.  I was in a horrible situation.  I was living in Laurel, MD and teaching in PG county. If you are local to the DC area, that should tell you everything you want to know....but if you are not..I wrote about it some back, the good the bad and the ugly.  It wasn't a pretty scene.  Every day pushed me further into the state of being an emotional wreck.  As I wrote, I was in the ER, with breathing problems.... I cried constantly...and the feeling of not wanting to face the day was back.  I had Todd who wasn't at my side (he was still in Western Maryland) and my parents and my friend Julie..who was the only one that lived nearby. (God love em all).  But I was still alone.  And I kept sinking further.  I still didn't realize how bad it could get.  Until one day when I was riding down the road and saw a large dump truck and a thought flitted through my head.  It's a thought that should never flit through anybodies mind.  And if that's not bad enough....I started to act upon that thought.  YOu see, that thought was that 'if I pull in front of that truck I wouldn't have to live with this pain any longer".   Yes, I steered my car in that direction....and thankfully I came to my senses before any decision was irrevocable as it was only a quick jerk of the steering wheel.  I would never have thought that I was suicidal...and still don't say so. ...it's not a valid way to face a problem.  I can't do it to my friends and family.  Not an option.  But for that split second it seemed so clear.  As a side note...I walked away from teaching....the very next day.  It was luckily a situational issue that I was able to extract myself from easily.  Yes of course walking had it's own ramifications...but I was able to walk away....ALIVE.
I have some many issues where I feel powerless and it bubbles inside me...and fills me with this gloom that I can't dispel.  It's not easy to change some of these things.  I guess a way to sum it up...right now...I feel like my life is meaningless.....in so many aspects of my life.  So yes, the depression is there....it threatens to bubble over some days.  I keep a close eye on my emotions......and sometimes just check out of life to 'decompress' ....to cry....to rejuvenate.  I NEVER want that thought to flit through my head again.

I have no clue why I'm writing this today.....it's just what was on my heart today (and yes, I took a 'mental health' day from work...so I guess that's why I'm writing it).   I don't know how to go about fixing any of the issues in my life.  I don't know how to go about finding meaning in my life.....making my life have a purpose.

Mental health does play into the weight loss.......


That said, January is just about over......I will weigh tomorrow to see where I'm at....but as of Sunday I can claim a 7 pound loss for this month.  I'll take it....because I struggled !!!!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I'm still around....

The weekend was rough.  Lets get that out of the way right away.  ROUGH ROUGH ROUGH!  I was alone.  I was lonely. I was feeling really rejected.  I ate.  I have put everything into my journal.  I never really TOTALLY blew it.   But I was over my calorie count each and every day. (why do I sayI didn't totally blow it!?....because I aim for 1300 calories.....that is well below what I need to maintain.......I never went ABOVE what I need to maintain!).  The worst part?   I didn't exercise.  Well, I take that back.  Friday was GREAT.  I got off work, headed out to do my errands, came home and ripped through the house, moving furniture, vacuuming floors, steam cleaning carpets, scouring tubs and toilets.  You name it.  AND I found time to ride the exercise bike for 45 minutes.  Friday was SPECTACULAR.  Saturday and Sunday are where I fell.   

Monday we went into DC for the day.  My pedometer showed that we walked 6.5 miles.  Ok....I ATE for dinner.  I splurged.  But I just put my food in (VERY honest accounting) and you know what?  I was STILL under my 'maintain' caloric goal. (when I added in a few hours of walking....calculating a strolling pace too...like I said, I was VERY honest.....in fact I could have doubled the walking time, but I didn't want to overdo). 

Yesterday, Tuesday a customer brought in a tin full of homemade candy.....uhhh yeah, I wish I could say that I didn't know how it tasted....but I don't lie.  It was scrumptious!

Sooooo  I haven't stepped onto the scales in about a week.  I did so this morning.  My weight stayed exactly the same.  I'm ok with that.  I held it steady at least during my 'bad week'.  I didn't gain!  That's the important thing from this past weekend.

So today I'm DYING to go out to eat.  Todd and I are both off at noon today.  Typically that would be cause for going out to eat.  But I know that if we go, first of all it's money out of our pocket...we are trying to save!  But secondly, where I want to go is super high in calories.  :-)   SOOOO  this morning before I left, I whipped together as soup and I have it in the crockpot this morning.  :-)  Lunch eat out temptation averted.  

SO I'm still around....haven't fallen off the face of the earth......just hanging on!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Miles and a new day

So putting my bad day behind me.  I tried to hold it together yesterday and didn't TOTALLY blow it.  But today is a new day.  And I'm on target and feeling strong!

I"m at work, it's my early day, meaning I get off work at 2.  I also will probably hit up the grocery store and target this afternoon after work.  But I'm determined to exercise today.  No ifs ands or buts. It may be when I get back from town, but it's gonna happen. 

We have a recumbent style exercise bike in our bedroom.  It's in a cramped space and honestly we don't have a 'better place for it".  It tends to get piled up with stuff....but today my mission is to clear it off and ride it!  I need to start putting more miles on!  I have a mileage goal that I would love to make.  I know that the miles will add up much faster when i'm out on my bike this summer.....and honestly they will add up much faster on my exercise bike.  :-)  The walking should be a consitent 2 miles a few mornings a week....as Todd has figured out that walking helps his digestion!  (He actually went out and walked this morning on his own!!!  WOW, has he finally gotten it???  Has he finally gotten that he can control many of his digestion issues????)

The only thing, I don't want to lose focus on my health in a crazy attempt to get miles.  Zumba days are just that...zumba days.  I'm not counting that toward my mileage (although I probably do enough steps that I could call it a few miles!  LOL).  I have other forms of exercise that I plan on doing.  But I'm not counting those.  The mileage is above and beyond those things!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

stress didn't get me...mindless eating did

Conquered last night.....baked and everything.  BUT, what I baked...well I dont know, my mind wasn't there and I just wasn't happy with it.  So this morning I made a batch of zucchini muffins.  I had one.  It was in my budget for the day....and I don't know what happened but I estimate that six went down the hatch!!!   Yes, I ate 6 cookies before I realized what I was doing.  ARRGGHHH   I know exactly what was going through my head.  The taste sent me into that feeling of rapture...that HIGH.  And I wanted to keep that high going.  So I kept eating.  Yup, I've been doing good facing the stress eating, but the high got me anyway.  I've looked at my food budget for the day.  Not sure how I can recover from 6 (estimate because I certainly wasn't counting) cookies.  I had already packed mostly fruits and veggies for lunch which left me about 400-500 calories for dinner.  It's hard to pare down my lunch any further as I was already pared down becuase we had a nice breakfast.  ARRRGGHHHH  

I'm not going to stress it.  Because that just perpetuates the vicious cycle.  I'm going to eat wisely the rest of the day and move on.  I did it, nothing I can do to take it back.....so moving onward.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Food = Love

Wednesday Evening January 11, 2012

I had too much time to think at work today.  My job is mind numbingly boring.  I feel like I'm going insane there from the utter inactivity and lack of mental challenges.  But with everything happening in my life, sometimes it gives me too much time to think about everything and that is not good at times.  This day was one of those days.

It was a pouring rain as I drove home.  I had made a grave error, I had not planned my eating correctly and I was ravenous! AND I had to do some baking for my co-workers birthday.  Those things coupled with the sadness that pressed inward upon me was just weighing heavily upon me.   It was a short ride but my mind was in a whirl thinking about all the foods that I could eat when I got home. I didn't want to cave and eat, but I KNEW that I was going to binge.  I mentally tried to talk myself out of it. I didn't want to binge but I was buried with a feeling of utter hopelessness, becuase I KNEW that there was no hope of me NOT binging.   And I started crying.  I don't want to have an addiction.  I don't want to turn to food for comfort, for that feeling.  It is the most helpless feeling.  It is not anything that I want nor like. 

I pulled into the driveway and just sat there for a few minutes as this hopeless spirit washed over me.  I started to think about my addiction.  I didn't have a horrible childhood that made me turn to food.  I come from a family of foodies.  (maybe they have/had an addiction, that's not for me to know or judge).  My family likes food.  We like it for that tastes, the textures the flavors.  My addiction came from the love of those flavors. The high that I get when I taste excelllent foods.   BUT,   My family feeds people out of love.  And that is when I had my AHA moment.  Food is equal to love.  So what started as a simple love of food turned into an addiction and it is just natural that when I don't feel loved that I turn to food becauase food equals love.  So it's a one two punch.

SOOO I finally wiped my eyes and walked into the house.  I was still convinced that I was going to binge but my mind was in a whirl as to what I could do to my food budget plan to accomodate a little snacking and maybe even a few bits of cookie dough.  I knew I was ravenous.  So to ease the impulse to eat, I jumped right to my evening snack.  I knew I had planned about 100 calories....so I grabbed a box of the Special K Chips.  I ate about 15 chips (if that...which later turned out to be a half of serving) to curb that "I'm going to gnaw on the pantry doors i'm so hungry" feeling.  I thought about what I could ditch out of my planned dinner to gain some extra calories for the baking.   Then I prepared and ate the main part of my meal...I ditched all the little extras.  And then had a few bites of cookie dough while I was baking.   Right now I'm tempted to go eat the rest of that serving of chips...but I'm holding tight.  and I just put my food into my calorie counter.....I'm only 89 calories over for the day!    Did I binge?  Some may say yes.  But somehow, somewhere, I found the courage to hold it at bay.

This stuff is SOOO difficult!!!
My weight held steady at the higher weight again.  Not too overly surprised...I exercised late, ate dinner later, ate a very high sodium meal (tried to drink a lot of water to compensate...well over 100 ounces) but still woke up thirsty. So not too surprised.   There is no reason and I'm not going to let it get to me.  You see, I've eaten well within my caloric range. (I'm set to eat 1300 calories.  I've been right at 1300 calories each day......usually 50-100 calories over....which is GREAT!)    So I know that the pounds will start to drop.

Walked this morning on the canal for an hour.  I'll do zumba tonight.  My knee is really aching today.  But I"m plodding onward, you see...I KNOW that the arthritis pain will dissapate as my weight drops.  :-)  So 'm just working through the pain.  My knee brace is my best friend right now!  :-)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Water consumption

The weight was a bit up today.  I knew it was going to be.  I knew it as soon as I came to a semi conscious state.  Why?   I was SOOO thirsty.  Mornings when I wake up thirsty, my weight is up.

Water consumption is a tricky thing.  I've read and been told by people 'in the know' that if you wait until you are thirsty to drink....then it's too late....you are already dehydrated.    I learned this the hard way years ago when I was biking regularly.  I had a couple really scary bike rides.  I wasn't thirsty so I didn't drink.  And I ended up laying prone on the edge of the path with my bike laying beside me.  I wasn't drinking...I wasn't thirsty.  And in times of exercise the problem comes in that once you get to that point it's near impossible to 'catch up' on your water consumption while you are still exercising.  I'm very careful now.   But it makes sense and it also really makes sense as to why I'm retaining water/my weight is up on morning when I wake up just totally parched.  It's EVERY time.  (and isn't that crazy that we retain water when we are becoming dehydrated).

Sooo yes, my weight was up this morning.  I did NOTHING that would cause it to be up. I ate within my calories, I exercised (walk in the morning, zumba in the evening...so two hours of exercise).  No reason.  Well, I did eat late (zumba doesn't get over until 7:45).  So I'm not concerned.  I'm drinking my water today....my meals are all planned out.  I've got zumba tonight again for exercise.  And I'm just going to keep on keeping on and ignore that pesky number today!

Monday, January 09, 2012

I'm workin' it!

I did it.  My chanting (typing) whatever you want to call it last night worked.  I did not succumb to the temptation to eat a hole through the pantry door!  Small victories. 

This week starts another week. I'm down on the scales so I'm a happy girl. (I actually didn't weigh  myself today, but I was down significantly yesterday)   I'm rolling with the active lifestyle, getting up off the couch daily and just being active!   Today Zumba restarts for the year.  I'm tickled!  YAY!

Meanwhile, I wrote the other day about the really cold early morning hike we had on Friday......well on Saturday we went out.  Totally different.  We hiked on the canal down at Weaverton and there was ice in the water on the canal, but I was wearing a long sleeved tee shirt and a hooded zip up sweatshirt......half way through the walk, the sweatshirt had to go.  :-)

Warm Day

canal at weaverton

Sunday we woke up and mid morning Todd and I went out walking on the canal closer to home.  It was a bit cool still while we went out, but we walked. 


Todd went to work and a friend came over and we headed up to WIllimasport and walked on the canal up there.

Cushwa Basin

Lock 44

And if THAT wasn't enough, I ended up meeting someone else on the battlefield right before dusk and walking a bit with them! 

Battlefield (south)

I'm starting today out right.  Todd and I got up before dawn, had breakfast and we headed to the battlefield and we walked while the sun came up.  Got another hour of walking in today (plus zumba tonight...I"m on a roll!)

MD Monument

So I'm working toward living a more active lifestyle.    The good thing about walking with Todd in the morning?   He has some major digestive problems.  He is supposed to take a pill 1/2 hour before he eats to help his digestion work properly.  They work sporadically.  But thes last 5 days we've walked in the morning, he's not gotten sick ONCE.   Coincidence?   Time will tell!

Sunday, January 08, 2012

feeding an addiction? or not???

I will not eat because I"m sad.....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm Sad....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad.....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad......that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I"m sad;....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad...that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad...that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad...that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad, that is feeding my addiction.

Well at least it got me out of the kitchen.  Yes, I was putting together a breakfast casserole in the kitchen and I was really struggling.  Really struggling to not eat.  I know I'm a bit sad.....It was a rough day.  And I wanted to tear the pantry doors off their hinges and just start shovelling food into my mouth.  I started chanting in my head, I will not feed my addiction.  And then  it came to me to just write out the litany over and over.     I guess it helped, because I'm not staring into the pantry like a starving wolf staring into a hen house!

Friday, January 06, 2012


I started out slowly.  Right around Christmas I started thinking about it.  I started to try to make more health conscious choices....I moved slowly.  A few days before New Years and I was rolling.  So here I sit. It's the sixth day of the new year and I feel strong.  I feel alive.  I feel empowered.

Why?  Yes, I struggled again last night with the overwhelming loneliness and the utter sadness that just ripped through my soul.  But yet I feel empowered.  Isn't that a weird dichotomy?   I however DO understand where this feeling of empowerment comes from.

I've talked many times about how I KNOW that I have a food addiction.  I struggle with this need to feel that 'high' from the most awesome tasting food.  I want that. It's a really hard addiction to conquer because I can't just remove myself from a situation in which I may be confronted with my vice (IE stay out of bars if I"m an alcoholic)  No, I'm forced to confront my addiction three times a day.  Each and every meal I have to stare my addiction in the face and say "SCRAM....I'm not falling prey to your tempting pull". And sadly enough for the last year I have allowed my food addiction to win quite a few times. 

However, after only 6 or 8 days into being back on track and actually having control, I feel empowered.  I have been battling this addiction and in the last 6-8 days I've won!  I know that I will battle it for the rest of my life....but I'm in awe of the feeling of empowerment that flows through me just knowing that I've stared it in the face and I've won just for these few days.  Yes, it IS a huge victory.  But being in control is the best feeling in the world!   Do I still want to eat bad stuff and lots of it?  Yes...I'm an addict.  But Being in control tastes better than the high that food gives...and you know what?  It lasts longer too!

Control.....Control.....Control.......this is the one area of my life that I CAN control.  And you know what? It feels damn good!

Went out for a walk again this morning.  1 hour down!  :-)  It was cold again, but we just bundled up!

Mile Marker on the C&O Canal on the segment that we walked today.

Mile 78

Bundling up.  Yes, I wear a hat with flaps....it's SOOOOO toasty warm!

Bundling up

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Beating down the addiction

Yesterday started out gorgously for me.  On the way to work I saw the most gorgeous sunrise.  My cell phone didn't do it justice.  There was this shaft of light shooting vertically. It was enough that I pulled to the side of the road to look at it.  My day was starting out grand!!!


Yesterday evening was a rough one for me.  I had planned out my day of eating.  I was right on target all day....all was good with my eating.  And then I went to an appointment.  This appointment typically wipes me out.  Many times I just go home and sleep.   But yesterday I didn't go home and sleep. But all afternoon and evening I just had this lingering feeling of lonliness and just utter sadness.  (Not healthy I know and I'm really trying to figure out the internal happiness stuff at the same time as I'm trying to get my physical side in line).  But why I share this is because I ate my dinner.  It was a tasty dinner and was plentiful (turkey burger , baked sweet potato fries, green beans and applesauce) but all evening I just looked longingly toward the kitchen.  Why in the world?  Why?    There was pretzels out there.  There was fig newtons out there.  There was any number of things that would taste sooo good passing my lips!  But my calorie count was DONE for the day.  I wanted to eat something so bad.  But I just KNEW that the only reason I wanted to eat was to feed my feelings.  You see, I eat and food is my friend. Food gives me that high, that feeling of happiness that I was missing.  I have an addiction to food.  And when things got rough, I wanted to turn to that addiction.   

BUT.......I know that food was not going to take that feeling away.  I KNOW that food would be a temporary salve to my soul.  The balm would only last until the last bite had passed my lips....or rather passed my taste buds.  At that point the salve would turn very bitter and not only would I once again have the feeling of lonliness and sadness....but it would be coupled with regret.  Regret because I ate something that I didn't need.  Regret because I'm trying so hard to eat healthy and I slipped.  Self hatred is a nasty thing.  And you know what?  The return of those feelings coupled with the self hatred is many instances enough to send me back to the kitchen for more food.  It's a vicious cycle!!!

I held firm.  I played the kinect for an hour or so. So not exactly exercise, but at least I was moving.

This morning I got up early and put breakfast together and popped it into the oven (I made a quiche).  While the quiche was baking I popped in Zumba and worked out for abotu 20 minutes.  We ate breakfast and we bundled up and out we went for a walk on the canal.  I'm going to win this war!!!!! 


winter canal


Today is a new day.  I've already been active for an hour and 20 minutes.  I've laid out my eating plan for the day.  I'm on track.  As for the feelings that I fear will attack tonight. I'm laying out some plans to basically keep myself busy.  If I'm busy and active, those feeligns won't have time to surface....and if they don't have time to surface, then I won't be tempted with the draw of my addiction!

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

January 4, 2012

I think that i've started out pretty decently on my quest to get back to being healthy. I'm trying to move more...i'm trying to make healthier food choices...all that. I want to lose the weight (and i want to lose it NOW...I admit) but I don't want to be fanatical. if I'm fanatical, then the weight won't STAY off!!!!

In the past I've purchased all the fat free and low calorie items.  I've eradicated everything possible from my diet that I didn't need.  Pared back.  Elminated.   I"m not saying that that's a bad thing.  Not at all.  And I do plan to do some of that.  Afterall, if there is comparable items to use that saves...heck yes!   BUT I'm not going fanatical.  This time around, I want it to be a forever change.  Fanatical is not a forever change.  (And I wasn't as fanatical about it as some people go).  I want to strike a good balance between living and being healthy.  I don't want to have to spend 4 hours a day exercising to maintain.  But I do want to live a more active life.  I don't want to eat dry lettuce for the rest of my life. But I am willing to eat more fruits and veggies and cut out some of the sweets.  Ok, MOST of the sweets.  It's not a long term solution to cut that stuff totally.  Life without a cookie...or a piece of cake......not a life at all!  Life without pizza would be HORRIBLE!   LOL

That said.........the last time I lost the weight I never really cut back my portions....I just ate so much healthier (tons of fruist and veggies and other low cal things).  Ok, my portions were cut back some.......lol   This time around, I want to work on cutting back my portions.  It means taht in a restaurant I'm gonig to have to ask for a box at the BEGINNING of my meal.  I know me.  I'm a foodie.  I'm a food addict.  If they put the plate in front of me...even if I have plans to only eat half, when I'm done with my half, I'll plow through the other half too.  If it's boxed up....I won't!   So there are tricks to doing it.  Ohhh and the beauty of it?  I"m just as satisfied (if not more so) with only half of a meal most of the time.  Becasue face it...most restaurants give HUGE portions!  :-)  

The scales are starting to show progress....so that's GOOD!

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

January 3, 2012

I'm back to work today.  Part of me is bummed out, I mean...I don't want to have to go to work and be bored.  But then part of me is happy to get back to 'normal living'.  You see, I can settle into a routine and losing weight is MUCH easier with a routine!  

I picked up lots of fruit to start out my year.  I've played zumba on the Kinect two days in a row to get some activity. (I'm not rolling to call it exercise.....that is to 'diety' and I'm not dieting. I'm changing my lifestyle).  Todd and I also played a few other games on the kinect....and boy some of those made me sore!  Using muscles that i'm not used to. In particulare the boxing on Motion sports.  Of course it probably didn't help that Todd and i had a fight a few hours earlier and since nothing was resolved, I still had deeply buried feelings (and not good ones).  Yeah, I knocked him out every time we played.  BEAT DOWN.  He didn't have a chance!  But I put so much force into my punches that the muscles in my back are SORE!   Bring it on! (I highly recommend the game for those having a fight with your spouse!)

So my first two days have gone well.  I feel as if I've made some good choices and started to live healthier and cleaner!   This is MY YEAR!

Sunday, January 01, 2012

A new year!

Happy New Year!!!!!

This is the year that I'm gonna do it!   I'm going to get my life straightened out.  That means weight, love, finances.  EVERYTHING!!! 

I have no resolutions.  I just know that I'm not living.  I've let life overtake me.  I want to live.  I want to suck everything that I can out of life.   It's gonna be hard, I've got some HUGE hurdles to overcome.   So no real resolutions.....just accept and embrace life!