Wednesday Evening January 11, 2012
I had too much time to think at work today. My job is mind numbingly boring. I feel like I'm going insane there from the utter inactivity and lack of mental challenges. But with everything happening in my life, sometimes it gives me too much time to think about everything and that is not good at times. This day was one of those days.
It was a pouring rain as I drove home. I had made a grave error, I had not planned my eating correctly and I was ravenous! AND I had to do some baking for my co-workers birthday. Those things coupled with the sadness that pressed inward upon me was just weighing heavily upon me. It was a short ride but my mind was in a whirl thinking about all the foods that I could eat when I got home. I didn't want to cave and eat, but I KNEW that I was going to binge. I mentally tried to talk myself out of it. I didn't want to binge but I was buried with a feeling of utter hopelessness, becuase I KNEW that there was no hope of me NOT binging. And I started crying. I don't want to have an addiction. I don't want to turn to food for comfort, for that feeling. It is the most helpless feeling. It is not anything that I want nor like.
I pulled into the driveway and just sat there for a few minutes as this hopeless spirit washed over me. I started to think about my addiction. I didn't have a horrible childhood that made me turn to food. I come from a family of foodies. (maybe they have/had an addiction, that's not for me to know or judge). My family likes food. We like it for that tastes, the textures the flavors. My addiction came from the love of those flavors. The high that I get when I taste excelllent foods. BUT, My family feeds people out of love. And that is when I had my AHA moment. Food is equal to love. So what started as a simple love of food turned into an addiction and it is just natural that when I don't feel loved that I turn to food becauase food equals love. So it's a one two punch.
SOOO I finally wiped my eyes and walked into the house. I was still convinced that I was going to binge but my mind was in a whirl as to what I could do to my food budget plan to accomodate a little snacking and maybe even a few bits of cookie dough. I knew I was ravenous. So to ease the impulse to eat, I jumped right to my evening snack. I knew I had planned about 100 calories....so I grabbed a box of the Special K Chips. I ate about 15 chips (if that...which later turned out to be a half of serving) to curb that "I'm going to gnaw on the pantry doors i'm so hungry" feeling. I thought about what I could ditch out of my planned dinner to gain some extra calories for the baking. Then I prepared and ate the main part of my meal...I ditched all the little extras. And then had a few bites of cookie dough while I was baking. Right now I'm tempted to go eat the rest of that serving of chips...but I'm holding tight. and I just put my food into my calorie counter.....I'm only 89 calories over for the day! Did I binge? Some may say yes. But somehow, somewhere, I found the courage to hold it at bay.
This stuff is SOOO difficult!!!