Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Sparkle

Motivation seems to be a missing element in this journey.  Right now for me it's totally missing.  I get totally disgusted with myself.  I cringe at where I'm at.  I see something that inspires me.  I gather up my desires.  It is all good. I'm gung ho to roll with this.  I start.  I hold it together for a few days, maybe even a week or two.  And then I totally fall apart.  I spiral into a woman that spins wildly out of control.  There isn't one set trigger that causes me to plumment from my healthy choices.  Sometimes it's a weekend off/away.  Sometimes it's just life that keeps me eating crazily.  Sometimes it's my self worth and the fact that food is my friend...my go to when I'm feeling down.  It's like I'm being bombarded on all sides.  Voices are screaming at me to "eat eat eat"  and I cave.  The cake tasted good.  The ice cream tasted good.  Even if something didn't taste good I still chowed it down like a starving child.  It sickens me to think about what I'm doing to myself.  It sickens me to see my lack of motivation.  I lack the motivation to get up off the couch and start running.  I lack the motivation to pull my bike out and ride it.  I lack motivation.  Without this motivation I spin in circles.

I want to end this mad plummet.  I want to be thin and happy.  Just this week I've stumbled across a few blogs and posts and whatnot of people that have reached goal or are at least at a place where they are happy with their weight.  They are trained to run marathons.  They are competing in Triathlons.  They are absolutely awe inspiring because they went from overweight couch potato and have transformed themselves into women that are gorgeous.   Their bodies have responded so well to their activities...they are svelte and thin (yeah, I know they still have their body issues and some parts of their bodies may never be perfect...but seriously!).  They are active and put their exercise first.  And most importantly, when you see pictures of them......you can see the inner peace and happiness emmanating from their eyes.  It's glaringly obvious.  I chose those two to link.  However, there are more out there.  I see a spark of life that is there.  I had that spark when I lost my weight.  I've lost that spark again as I've regained.  I'm not happy......I WANT that sparkle back!!!!!!

My motivator this week is that sparkle!!!!!!!

4 comments:

bbubblyb said...

I really do my best to live in today but it is my past that drags me down into "the hole" at times. I think finding peace with people and my past is what helps to keep me moving forward or at least "hold on" in times of falling a bit back in the hole. It's definitely the inner love that I have to find that will keep me where I want to be and moving towards things I want for myself. It's taken me YEARS to realize I AM NOT MY WEIGHT. No matter what that scale says it doesn't define who I am or make me less of a person. EVERY person has their issues and though they may not wear them in lbs they carry them inside. So don't compare yourself to others you are your own great, terrific, unique YOU but it's you that has to believe how great you are :)You'll find that sparkle again just love the you you are today.

jinxxxygirl said...

MaryFran

I could have wrote this post......I know what your going thru because i feel the same....I lost 80 pounds two years ago and have spent the last two putting it all back on.....and i cannot find my motivation to do it again....and i don't know whats wrong with me......lots of spits and sputters and false starts.....sigh.......So glad to know i'am not alone..........hugs! deb

timothy said...

've sooooo been there darlin, and still fight with it, have you read bitchcakes she's amazing and after losing all that weight becoming a weight watchers success story bein in all the newspapers, blogging for weight watchers now and training competing in qualifying events for TWO years her first nyc marathon got cancelled........

responsibility199 said...

Sparkle check, feeling sparkly this day?