Yesterday started out gorgously for me. On the way to work I saw the most gorgeous sunrise. My cell phone didn't do it justice. There was this shaft of light shooting vertically. It was enough that I pulled to the side of the road to look at it. My day was starting out grand!!!
Yesterday evening was a rough one for me. I had planned out my day of eating. I was right on target all day....all was good with my eating. And then I went to an appointment. This appointment typically wipes me out. Many times I just go home and sleep. But yesterday I didn't go home and sleep. But all afternoon and evening I just had this lingering feeling of lonliness and just utter sadness. (Not healthy I know and I'm really trying to figure out the internal happiness stuff at the same time as I'm trying to get my physical side in line). But why I share this is because I ate my dinner. It was a tasty dinner and was plentiful (turkey burger , baked sweet potato fries, green beans and applesauce) but all evening I just looked longingly toward the kitchen. Why in the world? Why? There was pretzels out there. There was fig newtons out there. There was any number of things that would taste sooo good passing my lips! But my calorie count was DONE for the day. I wanted to eat something so bad. But I just KNEW that the only reason I wanted to eat was to feed my feelings. You see, I eat and food is my friend. Food gives me that high, that feeling of happiness that I was missing. I have an addiction to food. And when things got rough, I wanted to turn to that addiction.
BUT.......I know that food was not going to take that feeling away. I KNOW that food would be a temporary salve to my soul. The balm would only last until the last bite had passed my lips....or rather passed my taste buds. At that point the salve would turn very bitter and not only would I once again have the feeling of lonliness and sadness....but it would be coupled with regret. Regret because I ate something that I didn't need. Regret because I'm trying so hard to eat healthy and I slipped. Self hatred is a nasty thing. And you know what? The return of those feelings coupled with the self hatred is many instances enough to send me back to the kitchen for more food. It's a vicious cycle!!!
I held firm. I played the kinect for an hour or so. So not exactly exercise, but at least I was moving.
This morning I got up early and put breakfast together and popped it into the oven (I made a quiche). While the quiche was baking I popped in Zumba and worked out for abotu 20 minutes. We ate breakfast and we bundled up and out we went for a walk on the canal. I'm going to win this war!!!!!
Today is a new day. I've already been active for an hour and 20 minutes. I've laid out my eating plan for the day. I'm on track. As for the feelings that I fear will attack tonight. I'm laying out some plans to basically keep myself busy. If I'm busy and active, those feeligns won't have time to surface....and if they don't have time to surface, then I won't be tempted with the draw of my addiction!