Tuesday, January 31, 2012

It's time to come out and admit what is obvious

You know...reading between the lines someone that has been reading my blog for a while can tell.  But I've never come out and said it.  I don't know why.  I guess maybe I just didn't want to admit it.  To admit it...admits that I'm not perfect.  I know I'm not perfect...but this is a major flaw....and embarrassing.  I like to be in control, and this is so not in control.

You see....I battle depression.  I've never been diagnosed as clinically depressed.  I know that my depression is situational.  It happens when backed in a corner where I feel there is no easy way out....that's when it rears it's ugly head.  It's almost like I can't figure out a way to dispel the gloom that wells up inside me.   It starts small and just progressively gets worse until I'm ready to explode.

This scares me for two very clear reasons.  Both happened years ago.  I didn't really recognize what was happening to me. Both times  I knew I was sad.  I knew I was stressed.  I knew I felt horrible.

The first time I was really oblivious to how bad I was....I was in college...and luckily I had some GREAT friends. These friends really recognized where I was at and knowing it was a situational problem, they gathered around me.  I was rarely alone.  I had a private room....but when my alarm would go off, within minutes one of them would appear in my room to coax me into getting up and facing the day.  Someone was by my side almost constantly. I will forever be thankful to these gals ....who stood by me and gave me the courage to face each and every day until the situation righted itself.  I hadn't realized how badly I had sunk, until years later when during a conversation with one of those friends  she told me how utterly scared they were for me.

The second time was the scariest for me.  I was in a horrible situation.  I was living in Laurel, MD and teaching in PG county. If you are local to the DC area, that should tell you everything you want to know....but if you are not..I wrote about it some back, the good the bad and the ugly.  It wasn't a pretty scene.  Every day pushed me further into the state of being an emotional wreck.  As I wrote, I was in the ER, with breathing problems.... I cried constantly...and the feeling of not wanting to face the day was back.  I had Todd who wasn't at my side (he was still in Western Maryland) and my parents and my friend Julie..who was the only one that lived nearby. (God love em all).  But I was still alone.  And I kept sinking further.  I still didn't realize how bad it could get.  Until one day when I was riding down the road and saw a large dump truck and a thought flitted through my head.  It's a thought that should never flit through anybodies mind.  And if that's not bad enough....I started to act upon that thought.  YOu see, that thought was that 'if I pull in front of that truck I wouldn't have to live with this pain any longer".   Yes, I steered my car in that direction....and thankfully I came to my senses before any decision was irrevocable as it was only a quick jerk of the steering wheel.  I would never have thought that I was suicidal...and still don't say so. ...it's not a valid way to face a problem.  I can't do it to my friends and family.  Not an option.  But for that split second it seemed so clear.  As a side note...I walked away from teaching....the very next day.  It was luckily a situational issue that I was able to extract myself from easily.  Yes of course walking had it's own ramifications...but I was able to walk away....ALIVE.
I have some many issues where I feel powerless and it bubbles inside me...and fills me with this gloom that I can't dispel.  It's not easy to change some of these things.  I guess a way to sum it up...right now...I feel like my life is meaningless.....in so many aspects of my life.  So yes, the depression is there....it threatens to bubble over some days.  I keep a close eye on my emotions......and sometimes just check out of life to 'decompress' ....to cry....to rejuvenate.  I NEVER want that thought to flit through my head again.

I have no clue why I'm writing this today.....it's just what was on my heart today (and yes, I took a 'mental health' day from work...so I guess that's why I'm writing it).   I don't know how to go about fixing any of the issues in my life.  I don't know how to go about finding meaning in my life.....making my life have a purpose.

Mental health does play into the weight loss.......


That said, January is just about over......I will weigh tomorrow to see where I'm at....but as of Sunday I can claim a 7 pound loss for this month.  I'll take it....because I struggled !!!!