Saturday, February 02, 2013

Binge

I fought.  I really did fight it.   What was I fighting?   A true and absolute binge.  I made it through the month of January and I was heading into February feeling strong.  However, with about two hours to spare at work I started dreaming about food. (cue deep dark music here)  I was hungry.   I got home and somehow refrained from gnawing the doors off the pantry while I made my planned meal.  I was home alone so it was going to be simple.  A peanut butter and jelly sandwich (yes, I ante up the calories for peanut butter all the time...I don't like meat so peanut butter is a no brainer for me) and some various fruits.  While I made the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I decided that I was going to forgo the fruit and instead had some veggie chips instead.  No, not fresh veggies cut up.......think potato chips.  I at them and I thoroughly enjoyed them too!  However, I felt guilty.  Even though I had the calories to accommodate those chips I felt guilty.  As the guilt ripped through my body, I fought with myself.  You see, I wanted to get more chips.  I wanted to add pretzels.  I wanted to add all kinds of food to my plate.  I wanted to keep eating.  I'll admit, a defeatist attitude overtook me and I said to myself, "I've already compromised my day by eating potato veggie chips, I may as well live big and indulge.  Eat eat eat. "   I stepped away from the kitchen.  I managed to avoid the binge, but it was difficult. I did go back and get a handful of dried strawberries....but they were all accounted for also in my tracker.

This morning shows me up on the scale by 1.3 pounds.  I KNOW I didn't eat that much food yesterday.  For goodness sake, I was only 39 calories over my budget. (1339 yesterday).   I also know that on the first day of my ....well....suffice it to say that when I weighed everyday I was able to track my body cycle...and on day one my weight would pop by 1-2 pounds.  SO I'm OK with it...really, I am.  OK, OK, OK...I'm fighting it in my head...simply because I didn't want to see that pop upward on the scale.  But oh well...such is life.  My plan.  Hold steady and firm.  All will rectify within a few days if I don't lost control of myself.

January was smooth sailing for me.  It all seemed to go well.  It was easy.  Like I said, smooth sailing.  I'm still going strong, but yesterday  was just a reminder of exactly how difficult this journey is some days.  I need to remember to gather strength while I'm going full steam ahead.  That strength will carry me through the 'down' moments.

Meanwhile, this weekend is going to be difficult.  Birthday celebrations galore.  My niece turns 10 and my nephew turns 6.      I know it going in.  I'm trying to figure out the best way to proceed.  I'm going to do my best, make the best choices that are available to me and carry onward!    I have already talked to my sister in law to find out what is for dinner tonight (my nieces family birthday meal) and I have my food planned out.  I have an extra 250 calories set aside so that when my niece pulls out her birthday cake I can have a nibble.  Notice I said a NIBBLE!!!!  I've got today planned.  I should be good.  I'm also planning on trying to sneak in a run somewhere between work, picking up my nephews, taking my oldest nephew to his soccer game and the family dinner.  I have this!

Thinking Thin!!!

4 comments:

Eesh said...

The main thing is that you didn't continue binge eating. You always manage to remove yourself from the situation & that's always a good thing.

Have a wonderful weekend dear.

xx

Jillian said...

That urge to binge never completely leaves, but it does get easier. Also, I'm always EXTREMELY relieved when I've really been fighting the cravings and then I start my period. That desire to stuff my face full of junk is just some kind of biological response to your cycle. I think it's important to differentiate the urges between biological and emotional ones. You beat Mother Nature, and that's a pretty big deal.

spunkysuzi said...

I know that just before that time of the month my eating used to go crazy! You stayed strong and did your best that's all you can do.
For me I don't have that time of the month any more all I get is red faced and hot :)

Gwen said...

You conquered TOM (time of month!) Good for you! Hope you stay strong later today, too. If not, it will be yet another learning moment for you. :)