Friday, February 15, 2013

The Inner workings

Up and about this morning.   I'm struggling.  I know I need to do something active....yet I just don't have the gumption to do it.  I'm sitting here on my computer instead.  GRRRR

I've been doing some thinking the last few days.   It's the same thoughts that I've been pondering so greatly the last few months.   Where am I in this grand scheme of life.  Where am I going in this life journey.  Where do I want to go.  What can I be doing to get there.    Eventually the thoughts evolved into, How can I live with what I have and maintain happy existence.  Life sucks sometimes.  And too often I've let life beat me down.  I cower in a corner and cry.  I run away from problems and ignore them.  I throw up my hands and give up.  It's human nature.  It's easier that way.  Less combative, less confrontational and I used to think less painful.    However, ignoring some of these issues in my life, or rather pushing them under the carpet (some by my own decision...others by the decisions of those around me) only brought me heartache.  I lost myself in the process.  My personality slowly crawled further and further inside me.  I feared for a while that it had died.  Each day was literally a chore as I put one foot in front of the other.  I didn't know what was out there worth living for. 
A month or two ago I was wallowing in the despair of turning 40.  Yes, 40 hit me hard. It's not so much the number, it was the realization that I had reached another milestone and my life was nowhere near what I wanted it to be.  Financially, maritally, health wise.  My life seemed like it was in the pits and I was literally despondent.  I sat back and decided that the only thing I COULD change was my weight.  I started there.  Slowly thinking about it....making changes....starting.  Taking control of my food addiction gave me the courage to look into other areas of strife within my life.   I don't have control over the other situations....but I DO have control over how I react to them.  And my reactions are what will make them slowly get better (hopefully....in theory at least) or degenerate further.  I had the courage to face one dead on.  It was rough...it still is rough...but hopefully at least one thing will be squared away within a short amount of time.

The side effect of facing these issues head on?   I find myself smiling more.  I find myself happier throughout the day.  (yeah, I still have my down moments because stress and strife is still stress and strife).  I am rediscovering who MaryFran really is...and you know what????   I kinda like her!

You see, this healthy journey is not just about muscles and fat.....it's about working out the inner demons that battle within us!   Will I eradicate these demons totally?  Probably not (although one can hope and dream).   Will I never have problems?  Of course not....that is life.   But will I make choices that allow me to work through problems instead of allowing these problems to fester within me and thereby steal who I am and my inner joy?? Absolutely....I don't want to be lost anymore!  My choices will in the future benefit me!

You know, maybe writing this instead of getting on my exercise bike was a good thing.  Maybe I needed this just as much if not more than the exercise.   (no, i'm not saying that I don't need the exercise)

3 comments:

timothy said...

oh darlin i am so with you, i THOUGHT i'd dealt with all my childhood trauma decades ago but movin to de and losin my best friend in the process (betrayal/abandonment) brought all this crap back up and i didnt even realize. i started havin all these depressing dreams of childhood and i was the now me but stuck in my old school and failing miserable. it took me months to figure out what was happening and deal with it, belive you me the sonner you reclaim you the better off you'll be! and i turn 45 in may YIKES! lol OMG arceeke was my word!

spunkysuzi said...

I've always thought that losing weight starts in the head. The mind is very powerful and yes we need to deal with that first before we can successfully work on other things.

Gwen said...

I agree with suzi; in fact, I think 90% of losing weight is mental/emotional.

You are doing good!