Saturday, April 06, 2013

Failure

Failure.   I feel like I'm failing.  Within the last few weeks (maybe months) I have been so gung ho about my exercise routine.  I've been planning and plotting.  The list of things that I've committed to and planned for include:
* Complete the C25K running training (completed)
* Commit to running through at least August 9th to see how my body progresses....to really give running (jogging) a fair shot . (which includes a 5k run in mid May and a 5k run on August 9th)
*  Continue with Zumba 3 times a week (more if I can make it to the gym)
*  Walk with Sherry 2-3 times a week.
*  Ride in Pedal to Preserve in early June (the 20 mile ride) This requires me to ride in preparation.
*  Ride the full length of the canal in September (184 miles)  Obviously this requires me to build up my endurance for 3 consecutive days of riding an average of 60 miles
* Complete the 30 Day shred...thirty days straight during the month of April
* Get to the gym

I committed.  I've been totally determined to see success and finish these things and knock them off my bucket list and/or feel a huge sense of accomplishment in myself.    The problem is that I work full time.  I do 99.9% of the housework (dishes, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc) around the house.  Logistically it's possible.  Seriously..Yes, I can get up and three mornings a week I can ride my bike.  Three mornings a week I can run.   Three-four nights a week I can go to zumba and the other two nights I can walk with Sherry and I can round out the walking series with our normal Sunday morning walk.  And since I'm getting up early to bike ride and run....I may as well tack on the extra 20 minutes early in the morning for the 30 day shred.  I mean, why as heck not!    My life is pretty well.....crappy...so it could work.  It gives me a purpose.  Does it matter that I'm waking up at 6AM...and not getting home until after 8PM.....and then trying to rush around and do the housewifely things????

Seriously, is this healthy for me?  Will my body even hold up to this?    Is it feasible.  All day Friday Todd and I were out and about in Lancaster, PA and I pondered this.  It was forefront in my mind because my arthritic knees were really bothering me.  I was torn.  I don't want to quit.  I don't want to fail.  I've spent half of my adult life running from things and thereby failing.  I've spent so much time being a failure.  I don't want to be a failure anymore.   I thought about it all day and decided that I would just push through.  Who cares...push myself.  SO my knees hurt...I can do it.  No pain no gain right?

And then.......two things happened that threw me over the edge in the opposite direction (toward failure).

The first thing was a talk with my husband.  He made it clear today that he doesn't want to ride much this summer.  Even though this was the year that we agreed that we were going to bike the whole canal..... Even though he has been talking about how much he wants to ride in Pedal to Preserve.......
he has made it clear that it was the garden or the bike....and he wanted the garden.  I personally think we can do both....but well............I've been overruled so my plans will be shelved.

The second thing was the onset of the garden season.  Spring planting started today.   We normally have our spring plants in by now...but it's been super cold and the ground was super wet.  So we planted everything indoors and just today we spent hours outside working int he garden and getting everything planted into the garden. (OK, not everything...we still have a few things to put in)   Every year when garden and yard work season comes up I am totally blown away by how much time it takes.  (Yes, we have a HUGE HUGE garden....and then it will be canning and preserving the harvest).  Today we worked for about 5 hours outside.  My job today?  I turned the soil to loosen it for the tiller.  We had gotten a load of dried manure (it pays to be friends with farmers) so I shoveled the manure into the wheelbarrow and carted it to the upturned soil.  I then emptied out the compost bins and carted that to the upturned soil. Wheelbarrow after wheelbarrow.  Todd then came through it with the tiller while I worked on the next row.  Hours of shoveling.   When we got  row tilled, raked and set up (we had to put up fencing for what was going in) we planted the seedlings that we started indoors.  I didn't want to pull out the hose yet for this year.....so I filled  5 gallon bucket of water and carted that around...refilling numerous times....so that I could plant the seedlings. 

I didn't get to any kind of formal exercise today.  I failed on the 30 Day Shred.  Yet, I worked my body harder and longer than had I completed the 30 day shred. Most likely tomorrow I'll be out in the yard again....finishing the prepping and planting of the spring garden.....working on prepping and working in the yard.  WORKING HARD.

I'm failing......but realistically I have to say that I can't do it all.    I am going to have to say that I can't do it all....I'm going to fail.  And it bothers me.....it bothers me greatly.   The 30 day shred is going to have to go.   I'm going to attempt it when the winter rolls back around and when I'm stuck indoors.  When I'm not overwhelmed with all the yard and garden  that crops up when you have a huge garden. The bike riding....well, I still want to ride my bike and it is still my plan to get a road bike and ride.  However, like my running, that will be on my own and I will not be training to ride in Pedal to Preserve nor will I be pushing to ride the canal on three consecutive days this year.

I will however, be sticking with my commitment to run 3 times a week.  I've made it this far...if I stop now when I go to restart running I will have to start at the beginning....and I do not want to do that.  I am going to put this desire to rest one way or another.     This is my time to run.

Zumba is not going anywhere.  I need that for the exercise and for the social aspect of it.  It is my outlet...my stress relief. 

My walks with Sherry are not in question.  How many a week, well that has always been a thing of scheduling...but my walks are not in question.  Sherry and I need our girl talk time.

I will fill in my mornings/days where I am not working in the garden with either a workout DVD (I was doing a step aerobic DVD in March and was diggin' it) or a trip to the gym.   

I'm not quiting exercise...I"m quitting the insane schedule and commitment that I had laid out for myself.  I'm not failing........I am evaluating where I'm at and I'm succeeding in recognizing the need that it's not working for me and being willing to face that fear of failure and readjust my plans and goals.

******************************

On to different news.  Yesterday Todd and I were in Lancaster.  I kept samples at the food places to a minimum.  I drank water.  I did great.  We stopped at our favorite chocolate factory (Wilburs in Lititz, PA)  I did NOT buy any candy for myself.  Todd did...but not I.  I splurged and got myself a new hat.  I've been wearing hats when I workout.  (and turns out work in the garden also). My hair comes free with the activity and then drives me NUTS while it flops in my face...a hat keeps it under control and tucked away.  I felt very happy with my decision.  I didn't need the chocolate.  I got a long lasting hat/ 





15 comments:

Betty Taylor said...

Your are not a failure. You are choosing what's best for you. You can not wear yourself down so much that your health is ruined. A person can only do so much in a day. It is important to get the correct amount of rest too. You know what the correct amount of exercise is and how to balance your life. It is not the same for every person, so you have to figure it out.

Gwen said...

I agree that you are not failing. You are being way too hard on yourself, and on your body. Your knees are speaking to you. With all that gardening and everything else you will still be getting plenty of exercise. You have to remember that recovery is as important to your body as is exercise...and that many hours a day of exercise is not giving your body and muscles a chance to fully recover, and they are going to break down on you. I know how badly you want this, but you have to do it in a wise way, and respect your body's need to recover. It's not a sign of weakness to slow down a bit, it's a sign of strength and dedication to your own health!

Shellie Ham said...

How did you fail when you haven't given up? You are too hard on yourself! If I moved my body as much as you I wouldn't have to watch what I eat lol. YOU DID NOT FAIL AT EXERCIZE.

timothy said...

you're NOT failing you adjusting and sometimes we simply MUST. i think mayhaps you should still do the pedal thing, find another buddy if todd doeant want to he can be the cheerleader or get left home. if he sees you doin it without him he may change his tune but either way if it's something important to you do it, as far as housewifely duties, screw em. do what you can the rest will wait.

twogirlsmama76 said...

Go MaryFran!!!

Fran said...

You are definitely not a failure!

But your schedule is too much, no one can do this except a top sports person maybe.

Like you I work fulltime and do everything in our house myself and have a big garden. I workout 5 to 6 times in the early morning and walk with my dog in the evening. This I can manage and if I need an extra rest day I take it.

Make your schedule easier for you and you'll be fine. You are doing this for you and nobody else.

spunkysuzi said...

You are not a failure! Having to rethink the things you are going to do is a smart plan. Definitely don't want to see you hurt your knees.

Shelley said...

I'm going to echo everyone else with the "you are NOT a failure" comment. There are different seasons for exercise, and when winter hits and you have to be indoors, the Shred is perfect. But once you can spend time outside, go with the functional fitness like all of that gardening (heck, it sounds like farming to me)!

And if it were me, I'd still find a way to do the biking you want to do, even if it's without Todd.

Crystal Duncan said...

As everyone else has said, I don't see anything in this post that resembles failure. You have to keep the things that are important and get rid of those that are not.

affectionforfitness said...

It sounds like you're tired. I always feel like a big failure when I'm exhausted. Sometimes, I get a whole bunch done to help all sorts of people and then want to cry and hate my life. Then I go to sleep and the world feels better the next day.

I don't think a person has to exercise every day. I do most of my exercise on the weekend--about 5 hours of exercise at the gym that takes place on Sat. and Sun. That, with some pushups and occasional walks, keeps me fit, and it fits better into my schedule. I used to exercise many more hours, but like you, I couldn't handle the stress of that.

If you're tired and your house gets a little messy, who cares?! Sometimes, being a little messy is worth it. Women can work themselves to death, if we don't stop ourselves.

:-) Marion

Debsdailylife said...

Ditto to what everyone else said!!! Making changes to your plan is not failing!!!
Garden work is hard!! Shoveling, carrying, pushing!!! Sounds like a 5 hour shred to me!! (without Jillians yelling!!)
You had a very full schedule and revamping it is what we need to do sometimes!! You work hard!!!

Scribbles said...

I like how you think MaryFran. You're such a sensible gal lol. We're about to launch into our garden time of the year....but I just don't feel like it. It's usually my project but I want to have a year off. I said that last year, but didn't do it, and I want to still have a year off.

AStrongNewMe said...

You are absolutely not a failure! Having to re-evaluate and adjust to fit into your life is not failure. It's smart. Tossing up your hands and saying "oh well, I tried" and not doing anything would be the easy thing to do, but that is not what you are doing.

Just my two cents, if your husband doesn't help with housework, then don't break your back pulling his load. A SWAT team is not going to invade your home if it's not perfect! I have skipped vacuuming, dusting, laundry, and many other things to take care of myself first.

SANRDJ said...

Chin up Mary Fran, you are not a failure! But I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself and your schedule is crazy busy. You are doing this !!! Keep doing this!

Cathy said...

I agree with everyone above. You are not failing at anything. You are reevaluating what can fit in your life and making priorities. And that is never failure.