I vowed a long time ago to be open and honest on this blog. A few months back I recommitted and said "I'm no longer hiding aspects of my life'. So yes, I'm heartbroken today.
Yesterday the bubble that I had created around myself...that happy bubble was pierced. It was pierced in a sharp and painful way. It knocked me back a few feet and I'm not sure that my heart can heal from it this time. I'm not sure what I'm doing or even what end is up right now.
I got home last night and the last thing I wanted to do was eat. The thought of food turned my stomach. I had my food planned out though, so eat I did. I knew that I needed to fuel my body even if my mind said not eat. It was a light dinner so it wasn't a big concern. I choked down my planned dinner and then curled up in bed with a book. What better way to forget the world than with a good read.
This morning arrived and I laid in bed. I had a run scheduled. I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay in my bed and just vegetate. Fridays are technically my day of rest so it wouldn't have been difficult for me to skip the run. However, I took off Monday this week so really I've already utilized my rest day. Finally at about 8AM I decided. I knew that if I didn't run, that I would kick myself because I've been doing so good and..... well.....exercise has been my happy place lately.
I rolled out of bed, threw on my clothes and headed out. The first mile was ok....I was so focused on my own internal thoughts that I forgot about what I was doing. I ran up the hill that I normally walk up and I was just powering through. (with a decent pace...for me). But the second mile hit me hard. I just lost my steam. I dropped down to a walk for a few paces, to let my HR settle and tried to run again. It just wasn't happening. I thought about taking a shortcut back to my car, but I didn't. I walked the rest of my mileage. So there was a victory...I WENT out and exercised. There was a failure....I gave up and walked. But that led to a victory...I still completed my mileage, just at a walk.
So why did I run out of steam? Well couple reasons. One, my mind is totally preoccupied and lost in everything else...so my mental game wasn't there. Two, it's hard to run and cry at the same time (well, it is if you typically run at your max HR). and Three (and I suspect three is the biggest reason). Remember I didn't want to eat last night? Yeah, I didn't want to eat this morning either....so I went out on a totally empty stomach. Literally I ran out of steam......