Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Dreams collide with reality

 It was early, right after 6AM (hey, that’s early for me) and I was in my car heading down the road.  I had decided that this morning I was going to run on the canal (C&O canal).  I saw a local family putting their kayaks up on their cars (large family…took two cars apparently).  I saw this family loading their kayaks and I had that momentary thought that “wow that would be the kind of family that I always wanted to have as an adult”.  Now, honestly, part of that was said in sadness that I don’t have the kids and family that I always dreamt of.  But there was some awe that ‘fat MaryFran’ would actually be seriously thinking about such an active lifestyle with longing).  All  of sudden I had an epiphany.  Yeah, sometimes it happens that way….one second you are mindlessly driving and the next minute you have thought of something utterly profound.  Anyway, my thoughts and how they progressed.
It’s no secret that in December I had a really difficult time with facing up to the fact that my life is not what or where I wanted it to be. (sorry, I can’t post links on my phone so you get the web address…really classy eh?http://mfclingan.blogspot.com/2012/12/turning-40.html)  I had dreams all my life and I had to face up to that fact.   I accepted the responsibility that my decisions in life have brought me to this position in life.  I accept my roll.  But it wasn’t until today that I realized what I actually did to bring me to this point.
The problem?   I had so many dreams and hopes for my future.  The problem?  I dreamed the dreams of a thin person. When I dreamed I had myself being active and fit and healthy.  I dreamed about things that would happen but really only if I were thin.  I dreamed the dreams of a thin person.

The problem was reality.   I wanted everything that a thin life can offer a person.  I wanted the large family.   I wanted the family that threw the kayaks on the car (ok ok ok, maybe not kayaks, but the CONCEPT) and went off for the day, skis in the winter.  I wanted that.  I wanted so much.  Reality lead me down the path to where I am today.   When I dated, got engaged and eventually married I gravitated toward a person that had a similar lifestyle to mine.  What lifestyle am I talking about?   We both had relatively sedentary lifestyles.  Oh yeah, we dabbled in active pursuits, he had a bike and I bought one and we rode…but for the most part, we were sedentary.  We both loved our food and therefore made it an integral part of our life.  My decisions in life were based upon the reality that I was a fat girl.
Thin dreams collided with the reality of a fat lifestyle.  I never took the initiative to be the thin person that was IN my dreams and now I don’t like the fallout.   But it’s not too late to change.    Some dreams are pretty much totally dead (sadly enough) but I can still change my life to enable thin dreams to come to fruition. 
I was a self fulfilled prophecy this morning.  I woke up early and actually dragged myself out of bed for my run.  As I walked across the bedroom my legs felt like they were anchors on the bottom of my body.  In fairness, I wake up many days with my body stiff and achy from whatever torture, er exercise that I put it through the day before.  However, In my mind I was thinking, “This is NOT going to be a good run.”   Regardless, I pushed onward.  I planned to do between three and four miles on the canal.  I started off and immediately I felt heavy.  I felt like I was going ‘fast’ but I could tell that my heart rate was way to low for me to be pushing it.  I just didn’t have it today.  I did manage to complete 3.5 miles and I’m considering that the victory today.  I have an average pace of 13:18 (which is about a minute slower than my current overall average), so I was slow.    So my question is this….  Was my body just sluggish today or did I take the random “early morning tightness aches and pains” and make a comment that then turned into a self fulfilled prophecy?  No matter, I ran and that’s what matters!
I’ll kill it on Thursday which is my next scheduled run day.  Up on the exercise docket next?   Zumba tonight
Tomorrow is a riding day.  Not any ride….a road bike ride tomorrow (can’t conquer it if I’m not out there putting the miles on my bike and my body)  and if I can talk Todd into it, a ride on the canal tomorrow also (I’m good with pulling out my Trek….it probably feels unloved!