Wednesday, December 03, 2014

And then.....

Lets get the divorce/separation stuff over first since it really does affect my quest for health.   I'm settling in and getting used to living with my parents.  It's going to be an adjustment for everyone.  I am plagued by tears.  I am utterly thankful and grateful for parents that have opened their house to me (and my brother and his wife that also have told me many times that I'm welcome there).   However, part of me misses my husband and the life we did have together.  Yes, it may have been crappy, but we did have good times.  It is also what I've known for the last so many years.  I also still feel like an utter failure. Nothing I've done in life has turned out decently it feels.  And here I am 41 years old and I'm living with my parents again.  (We won't even talk about the fact that I will have to up that to 42 very soon.)  I just feel like a big fat failure.  

Fat....oh yes, now we get to the weight loss stuff.    Why am I even trying to lose weight?   I admittedly lost weight the first time in an effort to make my husband desire/want/love me in the way that I need to be loved.  Yeah yeah yeah, don't be a hater.  I know that was a totally stupid reason.....and that the weight wasn't the issue between us.   But our minds play stupid tricks on us and make us believe all sorts of things.  And just for the record, I may or may not have grasped at other crazy ideas to try to save the relationship.  I will neither confirm nor deny!!!! (ha)   So today I was sitting at work and thinking about this weight loss thing.  I was thinking about the weight and I decided that I could totally accept myself as a fat woman.  What would I do different?  I would start buying clothes in my size versus trying to make do with what I have because I don't want to waste my money on this size.  Basically I would accept myself as exactly what I am....an overweight woman.  No more stressing about eating a piece of cake.  No more thinking about how that straight up butter (my  mother wouldn't be caught dead with anything other than full fledged butter in this house) is so choke full of calories and fat.   No more obsessing and thinking about what I'm eating versus the calories I'm expending.  Just accept it as the way I am, pleasingly plump.

I literally nodded my head when I reached that decision.  I was ok with it.  I'm me no matter what size I am. (Well, I guess I'm me....I don't really know who I am anymore....but maybe I can figure that out sooner or later.)

And then......

Thoughts started floating through my head at warp speed.

Wow, my knees have been hurting a lot lately.  They didn't hurt when I had lost the weight.  If I don't try to lose weight I'm consigning myself to knee pain for evermore.

Its a heck of a lot more fun shopping for clothes. The buyers for fat women's stores and departments are obviously retarded (so sorry that is not politically correct but heck this is MY blog so if I say they are retarded, they are!) and can't buy anything that is even somewhat trendy and fashionable...and seriously, lay off the polyester!  So shopping ... yeah, I'd have to give that up....

Running.  Zumba.  I kinda like these things.  Hmmm.  I guess I could just be a fat girl running and zumba'ing.    I do those things better when I'm at a lower weight though.

Oh heck, I just had more energy when I was thin.

So guess what, I guess I'm not quitting.  I guess I will continue.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get back into the habit of tracking.  It's difficult.....but I need to do it.  I've been off he rails lately.   I'm having some difficulty reigning it in.  It's more difficult than I imagined it would be.

I have gone to zumba three nights this week.  (ok, two nights but I'm heading to night three in just a few hours).  I hope to recommence with running here soon (dang knees) and well....I'm just going to have to focus.....somehow.  (and then I went and ate two oreos.....really???)


7 comments:

timothy said...

I'm glad you decided to keep going because you are NOT a fat woman you're a WOMAN that's carrying her emotions on her body and as you deal with those and let go of them so will you let go of the weight! and remember this YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY!

Desiree - Finding the Skinny Geek Within said...

I'm also glad you aren't giving up. ((HUGS))

Lori said...

Accepting yourself as you are now is a great thing to do. You must love yourself now. That will compel you to be a better you.

Right now with all of the emotional turmoil in your life, loving and accepting yourself are vital.

Keep being kind to yourself mentally and physically. The weight will follow.
Lori

Leslie said...

I am so incredibly proud of you!!! You know the one thing (probably the only thing) I know for certain in regards to my weight loss efforts is that I will never really be able to give it up. I remind myself of that a lot when I think about giving up. I remind myself that I have done that before, and at the end of it all I always come back to wanting it again. I would prefer not to want it again even heavier. For me right now there are other things that I need to focus my energy on (maybe for you too), but I am trying to proactively do things to help me maintain. Plus I have set a date for me to focus again on weight loss. You are doing so incredible. I love reading your blog, and I love your willingness to share. I know what you mean about feeling like a failure. I look at my life at almost 36, and I think what have I accomplished. But then I think what I can accomplish. Life has so many possibilities.

Jean said...

I'm glad you're going to keep going, but don't be too hard on yourself...sometimes we have to shelve our more ambitious plans until we get a better handle on the chaos around us! Hang in there.

DVanHaelst said...

WOW!!! Sooo proud of you!! Wish i could run! I hate excercise so i bought a bike! I figured if i could enjoy a ride i could get around faster and if i had to go to a bathroom i could get there quickly! I've had ulcerative colitis 12 times so i need to know where the bathrooms are at all times. it became an excuse NOT to excercise! So i googled weightloss and found venus and its been a god send!! I now get my butt off the couch and get out and am actually enjoying it! reading about your journey is insiring to us all and i want to thank you for posting about it!! Keep it up! :O) Love yourself first and be your best self! TY Den http://315b8-gftpmlilekkevgmijw5g.hop.clickbank.net/

Cathy said...

I was in a training today at work and heard this quote and thought of you and all that you are going through with your husband and life. (Is it odd that I thought of you, a stranger?)

"It's never too late to be who you might have been." -George Eliot