Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Wasting time

Well, I have managed two runs and no selfies.  AMAZING!  It almost feels as if I didn't run at all those days!   :-)   Ok, I so I just forgot to do it because I had other things on my mind.   Oh well...I'll get there sooner or later.

Monday was rainy but we had a bit of clear skies around 2.  So I carted myself off of my desk chair at work and went for a walk.  It wasn't fast and it wasn't long (25 minutes) but it got me out and gave me a bit of exercise in the middle of the day.  It was HOT!  GRRRR   Anyway.  I walked and moved.  I don't plan on doing it everyday, but if I can do it here and there it would be good.

So no selfie on my walk....but a cool old dilapidated barn counts right???


Monday evening I hit up zumba.   With the extra weight I have added I can feel every step, jump and hop in zumba.  Regaining this weight has shown me how much the weight really affects me.  Life is HARD with the extra pounds!

Tuesday started early with a run outside.  I am doing week 4 and it was day three of my couch to 5k (yeah, remember I skipped ahead to where I thought was a good start since I KNEW that running 60 seconds and walking 3 minutes while sounding fabulous was not where I needed to start!).   I started off and did my 5 minute warm up.  I heard some static come on with my music and since I knew that was where I typically start to run I started running......and that was the last I heard from the couch to 5k program.  Yes, I had a bit of a malfunction (later I realized that I have to have my ringer on for c25k to work properly on my phone).  This was day three of the same run so I knew roughly where I needed to walk and where I needed to run...but remember...my rule is I don't stop until the little voice tells me to....so I ran....and ran....and ran.  It was slow.   Ok....I didn't make it home.  I did half of my run and when I hit the turn around I decided that I couldn't do it...and I intervalled it back...but defaulting to the 'run until I feel like I need a bit of a break'  (and we all know our mind tells us to stop sooner than we need to!)  I'm proud of myself though.   By the turn around I should have been on my third walk segment..and I made that my FIRST walk.     

This morning I headed out....and remembered to turn on my ringer so that the c25K app would work correctly.  Utterly amazing at how well it really did work with that little thing changed.   I decided that since I technically didn't do week 4 day three that I would redo it.   It was a rough run.   There was one time in the last 5 minute run segment that I wanted to stop.  I felt my self falter in my stride as I prepared to stop....but then I told myself .  NO!   Keep going!   I did...and well.....I did it.   Sometimes what my body is capable of amazes me. 

 I've told myself to not worry about my times and my pace while I am doing he c25k program.....but we all know me.....and I have to say that while today's run was rough, I managed to do it and knock roughly a half minute off of each mile..  Not shabby....if I were counting that is.  

My weight is up.  I'm not happy about it.  But I know what the problem is....my eating is off the cuff.  Last night it was a Chinese Buffet with Paula.  Yeah yeah yeah.....another eat out. (and tonight will probably be another one....don't be a hater!)   We had our fun and we had our deep conversations.  We had to laugh because there was a guy dining alone at the table beside us...and he was OBVIOUSLY listening to everything we said.  Hope he enjoyed the conversations about our boyfriends, my ex, our work and running.  

Of course we opened our fortunes and I about fell off my chair because for the first time I got a fortune that really spoke to me.  And lets remember that for a while I would open my fortune cookie and there would either be a blank slip of paper or there wouldn't be any slip of paper....and you wonder why I was praying to die to get out of the situation I was in....even the fortune cookies picked up on my desperation.  ha ha ha   Anyway, I digress.......the fortune cookie that spoke to me.   (because aren't fortunes really more words of wisdom???)



My eyes literally got huge.   Wow...this one is something I need to remember.   For so many reasons!

No, no, no.....I don't pine after my soon to be ex. (very soon if I'm lucky!)  So I am not wasting time  wondering and thinking about him.   BUT, it's hard to not sit and feel crappy because of the FAILURE.  I obsess over the fact that I'm going to be a divorce'.   I grew up in a culture where divorce was really looked down upon and while I know my family and my friends don't give a hoot because they love me.....I still have those memories of 'the bad divorced person'   in my mind.   So this fortune/words of wisdom are good on me.  The divorce is happening.  In my mind it is a done deal...I just have to wait for our government to recognize what I already know with absolute certainty!     So I need to stop wasting my time worrying and thinking about the negative stuff...I need to stop worrying about being the 'big bad divorced lady'  and I need to stop thinking that this is a failure on my part.  (Heck, my ex flat out tells me that he knows that 99% of the marital break up was him......so why do I feel like a failure!)   Well....I think it's time to follow the advice of this fortune.

I have also been mired in a different situation.   I have been dreaming about the 'what if'.  The what if has been there for some time now...but it was a total long shot so it was just a good thought.  But in the last few weeks the what if has become a greater possibility for the future.  It is still a total long shot...but it has caused my mind to spin more wildly.   And this fortune/advice was for me....because I need to stop worrying about the what if's that might have been and might be.  I need to live my life day by day and if the what if's happen then I an be happy.    

How does this pertain to a weight loss blog?   Lots of ways!  .Emotions affect my eating and my life.   I can't let that happen...not for the negative at least.

 I also  obsess about the past.  If only I had not stopped running consistently, then I wouldn't be back redoing the c25k!   If only I had not regained the weight. If only I had not.......  It is self destructive!  I can't change the past.   Today and tomorrow are the days that  I can change.  So lets do it!





8 comments:

Rachel Block Smith said...

Congrats on pushing yourself through the C25K workout! I want to eventually try to make it through, but for now I'm still just walking. I don't know what I'm scared of, though...

Kyra said...

Yep, no sense on dwelling on what you could have done better yesterday unless it makes you do better today. If it doesn't? Forget it! :)

Alissa A Journey to Thin said...

I went through a long period where I lamented about the past and how much I felt like a failure. It took time to accept my current condition and move forward...even though I'm still struggling! You will get there because you are doing great!

Desiree - Finding the Skinny Geek Within said...

Great job with all the exercise lately! And that fortune cookie speaks the truth! :)

Lori said...

I am proud of you for toughing it out on the run. That is as much in the mind as the body. Good for you for taking control of both of them.

I am sorry that this part of your life isn't the way you had planned. The next part will get better. I'm sure of it.
Lori

Darcy Winters said...

You are so much braver than me to go running in the heat. Way to go! Just remember...when one door closes...another one opens. Or...we can always just climb out the window! ;-)

Leslie Thomas said...

I have missed your blog. I have been so bad about not reading and not posting, but yesterday I was thinking about you. I let the past get the best of me as well. Great job on everything :)

MyStalkerIsFat said...

When I got divorced, I struggled with feelings of failure also. I just felt so sure I should have been able to fix it. It took a while to move past it, but I realized that marriage is something two people need to fix, not one, so there was nothing I could do alone.

Great job with your workouts!