Thursday, February 05, 2009

Helpless

I feel helpless. Helpless to stop this eating cycle. Helpless to stop the weight from coming back on to my body. Just plain helpless.

Intrinsically I know that it is not helpless. I've done this. I've been through the wonderful months and years of losing. I know what needs to be done. I know how to do it! But it's like my brain knowing and my body doing are two different things. Sitting at the dinner table last night, I finished up my dinner and I was already thinking...."woah, I've had a little too much to eat today....this is the end. Nothing more tonight." But even as I was thinking that, different words poured out of my mouth. The words that I actually emitted? "Dessert?" And I proceeded to concoct a little dessert for Todd and I. 5 extra points on top of a less than stellar eating day. It's like there are two different people warring for control within in me.

I've had the months (actually years) of eating healthy and feeling on top of the world....king of the mountain...like nothing could knock me from where I stood. I was strong and I was going to beat this fat at it's own game. And I was doing a fair job of it.

But now...years into this healthy lifestyle and I've hit some kind of wall. The ends are not matching. I want so badly to finish this journey and reach my ultimate goal. (not the goal that I first set for myself......I already reached that...but the 'real' weight goal that the BMI index sets for us). Yet I feel helpless.

I'm not giving up. I just feel helpless. But, even helpless...I've got my plan for the day set up and I'll do my best to adhere to that plan (staying within my allotment of points). In my mind I'm determined to maintain that plan and hold strong. Maybe today will be the day that I'm not helpless to beat that 'naughty eating' side of me!

9 comments:

Losing Waist! said...

I can relate (obviously not with the amount of weight loss, yet) and find myself cycling back through some dips in my motivation... usually signalling me that there is some kind of unresolved issue or something going on in my life that is bothering me or that I might not have even identified.

When I read your post, my first thought was that maybe you needed a break. Not an unhealthy break but maybe an overall break where you work on maintaining your current weight and chill out for a while. You may be on point counting overload and tired of thinking about food.

I don't know. I know that you can get through this. You have triumphed over the biggest hurdle EVER and it is obvious you have the skills in you to get through this. YOU are an inspiration.

JC said...

WOW, I understand but I know that you will not give up and neither will I. There are two selves warring with each other. We all have them. Remember Paul saying in scripture something about what he wants to do he doesn't do and what he should do that he does. Ever wonder if he was talking about weight? Doubt it.

spunkysuzi said...

We definitely all go through this but that doesn't make it any easier for you! I like the first comments suggestion, maybe go for maintaining for a week??? Just a thought and see how you feel at the end of the week??

fatty McButter Pants said...

Ok, just keep looking at that before and after picture. You have done so great. You'll get your mojo back. I am just starting out again, still in the gung ho phase. I am going to enjoy it because sure enough the hopeless thing comes back....fight back baby!

Deborah said...

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I just can't think of any advise for you either. Hang in there and keep trying.

Big Girl said...

I'm not really sure what to say, but hang in there, be stong.

Donna B said...

In my opinion you need to look at yourself and realize where you started and where you are now. Youa re still HERE and understand you need support and the outlet to talk about what you are going through. THIS is the hard part! The easy part would be to give up and I don't see you doing that. Think about YOUR needs and put yourself first. How about doing something special for yourself and take the pressure out of losing a few pounds for a week or so? Email me if you want to talk more! I am always available!

SeaShore said...

My understanding is that there is no end to the journey. Most maintainers say they still struggle from time to time.

You're still trying and that's all you can do.

Did you try going back through your old blog entries, look at old food journals if you have them, or try a meditation to put yourself back to how if felt when you started? Try to recapture the motivation, or feel the reasons why you wanted to lose. Not just list the reasons, but actually feel them from the perspective of heavier-you, if that makes sense.

You may feel helpless, but you are not helpless.

Sabs said...

If I were you I would take it from meal to meal - if you complete one meal without cheating, pat yourself on the back. Every meal you go without overeating or eating something wrong is an achievement in itself. Baby steps... sooner or later the motivation will be back