I did so good with my eating this weekend. I exercised. I drank my water. So why am I up on the scales? 2.2 pounds in one day to be exact. (yep, I know that there is NO WAY on this earth that I ate 2.2 pounds worth of food yesterday) BUT...I'm not going to worry about it. I'm happy with my eating. I didn't splurge, I didn't break. I ate healthy. I ate wisely. I did good.
I just finished reading a book entitled "Conversations with a Fat Girl" By Liza Palmer. A friend passed it on to me (thanks Lynn). It is a novel. But ohh did this story resonate within me. This girl grew up big and as she got older she have a very active fantasy/dream world...as her escape from her chubby life. Her weight ruled the decisions she made. Her weight ruled the relationships that she had...and didn't have (because of her weight). Throughout the book she learns the most important lesson...that what is inside is the most important thing...and that she can't let her fears, fears that are grounded in her obesity, rule her life.
It made me think. I didn't date much before I met my husband. The dates that I did have were not satisfying. I was uncomfortable and they rarely went further than a first or second date. I had one guy actually tell me (after a few dates) that i would be 'hot if I lost weight'. I actually saw him once more after that (in a dating situation). He is the one that stopped calling me. I did not stand up for myself and was actually sad when he stopped calling. I guess that's all I felt as if I deserved. I've let my weight play a role in my professional life. I've really let my weight dictate so much. In the past few years, I have stood up and started allowing the MaryFran that is inside to shine. But I admit that I still struggle with feelings of inferiority.......not because I think I'm stupid or anything like that. I sometimes feel inferior because of my weight. AND I'm not that big anymore. But the feelings are still there...buried...waiting to come out. For example, last summer when we were at Hershey park. I was at my lowest weight ever. I worried constantly about fitting onto the rides (on a previous visit I could barely fit on the rides...and at one point had to be moved to a special 'larger seat'). That worry translated into thinking people were staring at me...the fat chick waiting in line to ride such and such ride! As the day progressed and I fit onto more and more rides I started to feel better about myself....but each time I went through a turnstile, I felt that moment of panic. I was ruled by something that I KNEW was erroneous, yet powerless to change.
I think part of changing this thought process, these feelings; is to push myself out of my comfort zone. Do things that make me feel uncomfortable and realize that nothing bad is going to happen. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and went to the spin class. I liked it. :-) A first step toward pushing these self doubts and feelings out of my head!
I was planning on going to an express 30 minute spin class tonight. Sounds good eh? I'm still hoping to be able to go. HOWEVER, Todd called me from the house and told me that the house was cold this morning. For some reason our heat pump (less than a year old) is not keeping the place warm. NOT cool. It's in the 20's...but we've had colder days and have had no problem keeping it warm. Todd flipped the breaker to turn it off...and then he's turned it back on. He had to go to work...so I don't' know what I'll find when I get home. A cold house? A warm house??? Who knows. SOOOO I may be staying at home tonight and waiting for the guy to come and look and see what's happening. ARRGGHHH this is frustrating!