I've pulled up blogger for the last few days. And the empty screen sits and stares at me. I write nothing and at the end of the day I 'X" out of it...not a word written.
How do you say I've failed miserably. How does one say that I have allowed myself to slide back further than I ever thought possible. How does one say that this addiction that I struggle with has gripped me and made me forget everything that I have worked for.
I have never totally stopped trying or caring. But caring for 3 days or 4 days or even five days out of the week doesn't cut it. Caring from the time i wake up until 6PM..only to follow up with an evening of food extragavanza doesn't cut it. I have been the same weight for roughly the last 6 months or so. I lose 4-5 pounds...then gain 4-5 pounds. I'm on a teeter-totter.....and I HATE it. I look at myself and feel hatred for allowing myself to regain 50 pounds. Yes, 50 pounds. I want to cry. I want to wail. I want to gnash my teeth. I want to scream. I'm in utter anguish. Yet I try and try and try again and again....just to fail. The lure of food. My addiction in a nutshell.
I know that it's possible to pull myself out of this. To lose the weight again. And I also know that it's possible to keep the weight off. I need to dig deep within myself. Focus on myself. Do this for all the right reasons. And this time, when I say I will never again be in the two hundreds...I will actually take care to make sure that never happens. I will NOT have a repeat of this. It is debilitating.....and I know that physical issues aside...I NEVER want to feel the emotional stress of this again!
So what is my plan? I'm taking it one day at a time. Focusing on eating right for ONE day. Not looking at the big picture of how much I have to lose. Focusing on doing the right thing simply for that one day. Tomorrow is a new day...and I'll worry about eating right when that day comes. I'm going to focus on my old system.....a sticker a day in my calender for each day on target....an extra sticker for each day of exercise. And a sticker at the end of the week for my weekly challenge met. I did this about 3-4 years ago and it was encouraging to see the rows of stickers indicating daily success. It was also sobering and eye opening to see a few days go by with no stickers.
This week is admittedly rough....todd is having all sorts of tests that require fasting....liquid diets...whatnot. So whenever he has a window where he can eat....we go....and of course I eat with him! Not good.
I'm still doing Zumba twice a week. I may actually go for broke tonight (I missed a session last week) and do a make up session before my normal session...so 2 hours of zumba. I can do it! I did 4 hours (or more) back in July....OUTSIDE under the sun and in the heat! I need to do something else though...2 days of workouts is NOT enough each week. I need to push it up a notch.
My weekly goal for this week...exercise THREE times. And no...as much as I want to cheat and count my double workout tonight as two times...NOPE...counting it as ONE.