Monday, March 07, 2011

Ephiphany!

Just had an epiphany!   I realized and remembered (it just came to me out of the blue) that when I first lost the weight that I really didn't have much success until AFTER I basically sat back and said "you know what?  I like myself the way I am"   I wanted to lose weight still, but my losing weight wasn't contingent upon my self worth.     And you know what?  I lost weight. 

Somewhere along the way though, I lost my focus anddrive.  I switched away from the original motivator that started this....and that was to lose weight for MYSELF and instead started to use other motivators.  I made comments to myself that "when I finish losing this weight, this problem will go away or be miraculously fixed...becuase the weight is causing it"   Life would be grand.  However, life wasn't grand.....the problems and difficulties didn't go away.  They were still right there...and since those problems had become the motivator, I gave up....and gained some of the weight back.

So here I sit.....pounds heavier again. I swore I would NEVER again weigh over 200 pounds...yet here I sit.  I am filled with self hatred and self disgust over where I'm at.  I struggle with accepting myself at this weight.  I remember how good 180 felt!   And I have refused to accept me for exactly what I am......ME.  Is it going to be easy to aceppt this current weighted me?  NO!!!!!!  Do I feel at all lovable?  Worthy?   No!!!!!  Not all all.  Circumstances have beat some of that out of me.  But I'm going to have to work on saying to myself "Maryfran, no matter what you weigh......you are an ok person....and I accepted you at 180 pounds, I accept you now  at 200 plus pounds.  I accepted you at 250 pounds....and 275 pounds.  And you know what....I accepted myself at 315 pounds, my highest ever.  No matter what I weigh, I'm the same person inside and losing the weight only makes that same person stronger!"  

Now, I"m not saying that I accept this weight....meaning I'm going to throw out my 'thin' clothes (the ones I hope to wear again) and go out and actually finish buying a wardrobe for my current size (I've bought the bare minimum...lol).  No, I still want to lose.  But I refuse to downtalk and beat myself up anymore.  I'm who I am.  I have an addiction......I did it to myself.  But you know what....that's what makes MaryFran intrinsically me!!!!!

5 comments:

Tanya said...

Well, I love you just the way you are my friend! I know it's hard, but keep doing little things for YOU daily. Keep taking pictures, stroke one of your six cats, polish your nails, sing and dance like no one is watching...just be silly. Laugh. You will conquer this. Gosh, if we only lived closer to one another we could be walking or bike buddies. If it helps, we can have a once a week "date" where we talk on the phone. You pick the day and time and we'll switch off??? I'm here for you to get through this. Many hugs, my friend.

Tanya

Ms. M said...

I completely understand what you're saying. When I first started losing, it was because I wanted to be healthier. But overall, I was happy with "me." It seems the further I go in the journey, the deeper I get into the process, that the number on the scale more directly influences how I feel about "me." Thanks for the reminder of what true self-worth is about. :)

F. McButter Pants said...

You are totally lovable! I think you must be reaading my mind. I was thinking the same thing. I never thought I would be above 200, but here I sit as well.

If we don't give up we will be successful. I believe. Just from reading blogs about people who kept trying thru the hard times and make to the other side! We can do this my Friend!

Shannie (akaSolidice242) said...

Great Post! It's funny because I am at the same point right now in my life.I am accepting me for what I am right now, I am loving myself and some how its making losing weight so much easier! Even when the scales doesn't show the number I want to see I am still happy because I know I am still making progress. You will definitely get where you want to be again. Sometimes it takes some time to get back on track but everything is all just a matter time.

coloradosugar said...

My thoughts exactly! I am who I am..no matter if I lose weight or not, I'm still the same person on the inside that I have always been. I told myself I would never get above 300 and I got up to 350!! My highest ever. But I'm around 295 now and I'm getting there...but I'm worthy no matter what I weigh..I just have to keep telling myself that on a daily basis!!;)