Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Silence is....

Silence is fattening in my case.  Historically, when I disappear, I am doing poorly in this weight loss game.  This last time was no different.  I feel off the wagon.  It didn't help that we had vacation stuck smack dab in the middle of my silent period.  Yes, vacations can be healthy and have weight loss results.  BUT mine didn't.  OK OK OK, I'd say about 10 pounds (home scales)....well about 10 pounds on the weight watchers scales tooo....even though our scales are WAY off in what they weigh us at.  (hell, I just put new batteries in the home scales the other week and this morning they won't even turn on....I think new scales will be entering our house tomorrow).   I'm not happy about it AT ALL.  But I know what needs to be done.  Track my food.  Just say no when the urge to snack and eat uncontrollably overtakes me.  Will power baby.  That's what it takes.

The problem?  This is a mental game.  Oh yeah, it's 100% mental.  The choices to eat or not eat something is made in my head. The war within me is fought all in a mental fashion.  I can win the mental game. It takes focus.  I've won it before, that's not a problem.  The problem......I've got so much other.....well...crapola in my mind that I can't focus on the weight.  My mind is whirling in a fever that is unprecedented for me.  Honestly, I just want to curl up in a corner and cry myself into oblivion.  It's not over any one thing in my life.  I can't say that I want to cry because of such and such.  It's just EVERYTHING all combined into one hellish feeling.   I know that my weight is part of it.  Yes, very much so.  But the food addiction overtakes.  Yesterday I fed my addiction.  And I'm going to put it out there...

Woke up, cried for about an hour....ate an English muffin while I packed my lunch for work (all while crying).  I made good choices for my lunch.  I got to work at 10.  By 10:30 I was struggling to hold it together emotionally and my thoughts turned to food (naturally, food is my friend).  My lunch seemed BORING and lackluster....so I called in a food order and went out and picked up a turkey and cheese sub.  I ate that with the soda that I bought.  And then I proceeded to eat the food in my lunch box ANYWAY (throughout the course of the afternoon).....applesauce, cherries, corn, jello cup, 100 calorie pack.  And that still wasn't enough, so I dug into the cabinet at work and ate some chips AND two pieces of leftover snack/granola caramel bar thingies.  I went to zumba and that did make me feel a bit better......came home and had not one, not two but THREE turkey hot dogs and some baked beans.   And after dinner.....why I had a root beer float! (hey, it was fat free ice cream...but not a diet root beer!)   I fed my addiction yesterday.  I tried to eat to down my sorrows.   Does it make me feel better?  It is a fleeting feeling of peace....but everything crashes right back upon me.  I know this.  Yet I continue to eat. 

I'm not going to promise greatness today with my eating.  I'm a food addict.  I'm for some reason depressed beyond reason.  that's not a good combination.  But I'm going to try.  I'm NOT ordering lunch, I have my lunch in my lunchbox.  I did have a decent breakfast (waffles and bacon) and I dont' know what I'll have for dinner.  My plan though is to know EXACTLY what I'm eating for dinner before I leave for work.  I don't want anything THINKING about dinner to occur when I'm in the kitchen.  I am not promising that it's going to be under my points target for the day.  But I am going to try to hold it together and not eat indiscriminately today.  THAT is my goal.

I can't fix my world....but maybe, just maybe if I fix my eating and my weight I'll feel a wee bit better about everything else.

6 comments:

Karen@WaistingTime said...

It is a mental game for me too. And vacations... don't get me started. But I'll share that you are not alone and I have been struggling to get back on track since mine last month. So... baby steps for you today.

A Place to be Me said...

Don't be too hard on yourself MF. I turn to food when I'm stressed too. Forgive yourself when you struggle and it will be easier to get back up again.

Christine said...

someone said the other day on my blog...emotional hunger is a hunger that can never be filled. I know when I first started and I would get the urge to eat I would take a walk...even if I had already done my exercise...maybe every single time you want to eat, you could do a situp. If nothing else, you could be so tired you can't bring yourself to go to the fridge. Hang in there.

Darcy said...

Aw, hun....I just want to give you a big hug and let you know you are not alone. There are so many of us that care deeply for you and your well-being. Days like that happen. I think you need to see someone about the depression. It may not be something you can fix on your own and trying could be futile on your part and will end up making you feel even worse. I can say it over and over again...you're awesome, you're valuable, you're loved. Until you believe it, my words don't mean much. Hang in there and remember, you have people that want to listen to you. Your honesty is inspiring. :) Hugs my friend.

bbubblyb said...

Darcy said it all MaryFran, I too think seeing someone would help if for no other reason to throw it all out there at and get it ALL off your chest. I know sometimes there are things we just can't say to anyone in our lives. I know therapy was a huge thing for me and sometimes I still wish I had it on a regular basis.

F. McButter Pants said...

You can do it. Seriously don't be too hard on yourself. It is 100% mental. Such a fight still, every day. I feel for ya!

Keep your chin up