Thursday, July 17, 2014

So right.....yet so wrong

I ate a whoopie pie for lunch.  No, not as a dessert.  I ate it FOR lunch.  Yes, that was my lunch.   Not exactly healthy.  Not exactly balanced.   And I wager, in calories it was probably more than 1/3 of my daily 'allowance'.     Ohhh not that bad eh?   Do you want to talk about the rest of the day in food?   French toast for breakfast.  (MMMM, this local diner...Mt. View Diner....has the BEST french toast!) and of course I had to order a side of home fries.   Dinner was a BLT and some cole slaw.    Where is there anything healthy in that?  Other than the tomato and lettuce in my BLT???    And somewhere in there I may have had a small individual bag of pretzels.  Ohhh and I just remembered the slices of cheese.....yeah, quite a few slices of cheese....5 maybe?

What's wrong with me?   I want this.  I really want this.  I want my 100 pounds gone celebration.  I want to wear all my 'thin clothes'.  I WANT THIS.  But I just can't seem to get it together.  Why???

I don't have an easy solution.  I don't think it's going to be a quick snap of my wrist and voila I lose.  However, I do believe that the problem lies in the habits and beliefs that are buried deep inside me.   You see, I want this.  Oh I want it badly.  However, for most of my life I have had a relationship with food in that food is comfort.  Food is my friend. Food is love.  Eating some delectable food item fills me with a sense of well being....a high if you want to call it that.   And I do enjoy the complex flavors and tastes.  It consumes me and warms me.   This has been a lifelong thing (yes, lets call it what it's an addiction) these feelings are what feels right and natural.  

So, Yesterday we were out roaming around (ok ok ok, we were scanning river banks for good stones/rocks for a backyard project!) and I just wanted to visit my 'old friend'.   I wanted something sweet.  I wanted something delectable and tasty on my tongue.  The urge to have that sense of well being.  I wanted to feel the taste burst on my tongue.  I wanted to experience that sense of 'rightness' flow over me.  And I did....I went into our local bakery and when I saw the whoopie pie, I just HAD to have it.  (If I were still living in Western, PA I would probably refer to it as a Gob...ha ha ha).    It was right.  It was tasty.   I won't say it was the wrong decision for me.  I don't plan on living a life where I deny myself the tasty treats in life.  HOWEVER,  it opened my eyes.  It made me realize that I'm slipping up in my eating.  That has to change.  I need to tighten the ropes!     I have a goal.  Small, short term and I'm going to work towards it!

Yesterday evening I got a text from my husband.  "Can you stop by the studio on the way to Zumba"  Of course I can.  I stopped and before I could get into the door he said "Don't be mad, but I just had to do something".

I walked further into the studio and there he sat holding this little creature.  It looked like the size of a mouse.   Apparently one of the cats outside the studio had a kitten.  Like...had a kitten on the doorstep.....and then disappeared, leaving this tiny living being wrapped in the umbilical cord and covered with birth fluids.   My husband carted it inside and then went and picked up the kitten survival kit. (We usually have some of this on hand but he did have to restock because our hot water bottle broke on the last kitten rescue).  The kitten was active as all get out.   I held it and then went to zumba....and while I was at zumba I got another text....uhhhhhhh  I was loading the car to go home and heard another cry...the cat apparently had the second kitten in a pile of wet wood and leaves.  He added this one to the container carrying the fist (after spending some time feeding and warming it up).  Sooooo we are back in kitten nursing stage.  Bottle feeding (or rather eye dropper feeding...although the one really prefers to lick the formula off of our hands...go figure....hey, i'm not complaining, that will make the transition to eating on it's own so much easier).    So here we are....AGAIN.  I can not have any more cats in my house.  Temporary is ok.....kinda.  So I'm praying that if these kittens live (they are in the bathroom off the living room right now and I can hear them 'crying') that we can easily find them homes...I will say...kittens raised by humans from such a young age make THE BEST pets!


Tricia Coniglio said...

The kitten is so cute! I had ice cream for dinner last night. I must say it was rather satisfying! haha

Don't beat yourself up. Just start fresh today :)

Lori said...

Focus on how far you've come with your eating. Eating ONLY a whoopie pie for lunch is probably not the most nutritious choice, but was there a time when it would have been a full meal PLUS the whoopie pie? That is improvement. That is to be celebrated.

It seems reasonable to include a few indulgences here and there t keep from feeling deprived. Only you know what is acceptable and what is opening the door to big trouble. Be honest with yourself and stay true to yourself.

You can do this.

timothy said...

ok think about this you ARE a caregiver and you do whats best for others......soooooooooo do what's best for you. you'd never give that kitten food that would kill it but you do it to you. I'm torn between I wanna give you a BIG hug and tell you it'll be ok or shake you and yell stop! sorry but I worry about my friends. so start doing whats good for you, you deserve health and happiness. and that old friend food is really a frenemy and not lookin out for you!

Kyra said...

Oh poor little kittens! I wonder what's wrong with the mom, doing that?

Debsdailylife said...

I love gobs!!!! Chocolate full of amazing cream. Oh my. My daughter sold some as a fundraiser for her trip to asia. We have plain ones and some with peanut butter cream!!!!